Parenthood (NBC) – Season finale. My lifelong distrust of Dax Shepherd aside, the episodes of this show that I’ve caught have all been really good. Tonight’s finale, titled “My Brother’s Wedding.” looks like it’s going to grab your heartstrings and try to rip them right out of your chest.
Justified (FX) – WHAT’S THE DEAL WITH THE DUDE IN THE BEDROOM? SERIOUSLY. I AM GOING TO GODDAMN SCREAM IF I DON’T FIND OUT SOON. GEEZ.
American Idol (FOX) – A two-hour episode. Look, if you want to watch a bunch of showoffs sing pop songs for two hours tonight, just go to a karaoke bar. At least then you can get all dumptrucked and blow the roof off the place with a rousing rendition of the greatest karaoke song ever, “Suspicious Minds” by Elvis Presley.
Cougar Town (ABC) – If you’re a Nielsen viewer, please watch this show. Or just leave ABC on when you go out to do that karaoke thing we just talked about. You have a duty to your country. For every one good comedy we lose, we’re adding two weapons-grade goon parades. It’s not right.
White Collar (USA) – Season finale. I like how the one guy in the fancy hat knows everything about everything and is also good at everything. Here ends my official review of “White Collar.”
The Amish: American Experience (PBS) – One nice thing about making a TV show about the Amish is that you can say whatever the hell you want about them. It’s not like they’ll ever see it. [points to head] I’m a thinker, folks.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Someone from “Dancing with the Stars” on Kimmel (please be Urkel); Nathan Lane and Pauly Perette on Letterman; Mehmet Oz and Carrie Keagan on Ferguson; Betty White, Ken Marino, and Young Jeezy on Conan; Khloe Kardashian and Rob Schneider on Leno; and Don Cheadle and Jennifer Westfeldt on FalHOLY CRAP DID THAT SAY KHLOE KARDASHIAN AND ROB SCHNEIDER ON LENO? Good Lord, that sounds like a revolting hour of television.