Rules of Engagement (CBS, 8:30 p.m.) — Season premiere. Whereas you can’t wait for Community to come back later this week, your burnout friend from high school who still lives back home is eagerly anticipating the SEASON SEVEN PREMIERE of Rules of Engagement. David Spade truly is the sad crack addict’s Joel McHale.
Adventure Time (Cartoon Network, 7:30 p.m.) — “Finn’s hat comes to life while he and Jake are swimming.” Justified should do the same story, just replace Finn and Jake with Raylan and Tim.
How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8 p.m.) — Wait, How I Met Your Mother is on CBS? I HAD NO IDEA. Anyway, if you’ve given up on How I Met, it might be worth checking back in tonight, for Robin Sparkles, Vol. IV with special guests Every Single Famous Person from Canada ever. Except Barenaked Ladies.
Bunheads (ABC Family, 9 p.m.) — “Sasha holds a housewarming party.” The actress who plays Sasha, Julia Goldani Telles, is kind of like IRL Cosette, in that she was born in Rio de Janeiro, grew up speaking Portuguese, moved to the U.S. when she was young, then learned English. Meaning: she’s hella talented.
The Following (Fox, 9 p.m.) — “Hardy and the FBI try to predict the actions of a new follower named Rick,” played by Michael Drayer, who portrayed the titular character in the great Louie episode,” Bully,” or the one where Louie followed a kid to Staten Island after getting mocked during a date. F*ck that kid.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Chris Christie and Joe Flacco on Letterman; Hugh Jackman, Jessica Chastain, and Michael Bolton on Leno; Melissa McCarthy and Mark Duplass on Kimmel; Zooey Deschanel on Ferguson; Russell Brand, Katharine McPhee, and Jim James on Fallon; Michelle Rhee on Stewart; and Sonia Sotomayor on Colbert.