American Horror Story: Asylum (FX) – Season premiere. Listen. This is America, so if you want to watch this show (which has all new characters and a new setting for season two), you are certainly welcome to do that. I, however, will not be watching for two main reasons: 1) It looks scary. 2) Adam Levine is in it, and he is at least partially responsible for that Samsung tablet commercial with the annoying whistling from “Moves Like Jagger” — a song that I had successfully avoided since its release, for the most part — that plays A MILLION TIMES every weekend during football games. You’re on my list now, Levine.
Nashville (ABC) – Is this show good? Wait, I’m the one who is supposed to tell you if shows are good or not. This show is … uh … good? Fine? Bad? Stop me when I’m getting warm.
Modern Family/Suburgatory (ABC) – Season premiere for Suburgatory. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m having a hard time processing the information that Luke from Modern Family is a genius. Like, it’s making it hard to focus on the show. I just keep thinking about him wearing safety goggles and a tiny lab coat and pouring brightly colored liquids from one test tube to another, then nodding very seriously. I am, for the record, not a genius.
South Park/Key & Peele (Comedy Central) – Kenny and Butters go to Hawaii. In. (Also, Key & Peele is funny. See below.)
Barbecue Paradise 2: Another Rack (Travel Channel) – There is a 100% chance I watch this show, and an 80% chance I then eat everything in my kitchen.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Most shows are in repeats tonight, but Kimmel has Joel McHale, and Stewart has FiveThirtyEight’s Nate Silver, both of whom are great for completely different reasons.