The Mindy Project (Fox) – Series premiere. This show, created by and starring The Office alum Mindy Kaling, is getting pretty good reviews. I like Mindy Kaling, and the premiere briefly features Ed Helms and Bill Hader, who I also like. I vote we all watch it. (You don’t get a vote. I am a dictator. BRING ME THE HEADS OF ALL WHO DISSENT AND ALSO MAYBE A DOG TO PLAY WITH.)
New Girl/Ben & Kate (Fox) – Season and series premiere, respectively. Two episodes of New Girl tonight. Here is my prediction: No matter how good or bad Ben & Kate turns out to be, all of Fox’s Tuesday night promos will be shots of Mindy Kaling and Zooey Deschanel wearing cute dresses and walking in slow-motion down a hallway like the network up and became USA or something.
Private Practice (ABC) – Season premiere. I have never watched a single second of this show. Will the streak stay alive? Stay tuned to find out. (Spoiler alert: The streak stays alive.)
NCIS: Los Angeles/Vegas (CBS) – Season and series premiere, respectively. According to my research, Vegas is a show set in the ’60s about a rancher (Dennis Quaid) who becomes sheriff and takes on a mob boss (Michael Chiklis). If I didn’t think CBS was going CBS the hell out of this show — BRIGHT COLORS. COMICALLY EVIL ANTAGONISTS. AND SO ON. — I would be pretty excited about that sentence.
Tosh.0/Brickleberry (Comedy Central) – Tune in to Daniel Tosh night on Comedy Central, featuring the season premiere of his clip show and the series premiere of his new animated thingy, if that is the sort of thing you enjoy. Which I increasingly do not. So I won’t.
Go On/The New Normal/Parenthood (NBC) – Could Go On BE any more something something remember when that one guy played Chandler boom jokes nailed it.
Sons of Anarchy (FX) – Holy hell, there are one thousand new shows on tonight and I almost forgot Sons of Anarchy existed. This is less a comment on the quality of the show and more a very short story about a man who loves Space Jam and has crippling ADD.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Melanie Griffith, Kerry Washington, and Alanis Morissette are on an episode of Kimmel that appears to have mostly been shot in 1995; Kaley Cuoco is on Letterman; Tom Selleck and June Diane Raphael are on Ferguson; Ann Romney and Seth MacFarlane are on Leno; Jerry Seinfeld and Anthony Anderson are on Fallon; Nathan Fillion and Bill Burr are on Conan.