Dallas (TNT, 9 p.m.) — Season premiere. The plot synopsis reads, “Christopher and John Ross clash; Christopher tries to gain the upper hand in his divorce; John Ross takes revenge on Christopher.” Is everyone on this show named Christopher? Don’t answer that. Anyway, and most importantly, Larry Hagman’s J.R. will disappear sometime next month, so the ‘brows are safe for now.
The Bachelor (ABC, 8 p.m.) — A partial list of women who are trying to woo Bachelor Sean: Kacie, Taryn, Daniella, and AshLee. AshLee. Come on, America, we’re better than that. (No, we’re not.)
The Carrie Diaries (The CW, 8 p.m.) — If you haven’t already, please watch The Sopranos Diaries. And don’t watch The Carrie Diaries, unless you like that same Simple Minds song between ad nauseum, because 1980s.
The Following (Fox, 9 p.m.) — I await the day when Shannon from Lost and Winona from Justified square off in The Battle of Whose Devoted Fanbase Cares About Them Less. Juliet and Ava are the judges. They laugh a lot.
Bunheads (ABC Family, 9 p.m.) — Sutton Foster’s real-life brother, Hunter, guest stars as Michelle’s on-show brother, Scotty. Hopefully it turns out he’s a prostitute, like when Justin Bateman was on Arrested Development. (Half of the sentences I say every day involve the words “prostitute” and “Arrested Development.”)
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Melissa McCarthy, David Morrissey, and David Byrne and St. Vincent on Fallon; Catherine Zeta-Jones on Leno; Jude Law and J.B. Smoove on Kimmel; Kathy Griffin and Michael Weatherly on Ferguson; Brian Williams and Max Greenfield on Fallon; Emmy Rossum and Dave Franco on Conan; Bob Costas on Stewart; and Michael Shellenberger on Colbert.