American Ninja Warrior (NBC, 8:00 p.m.) – Houston contestants face obstacle courses like Swinging Spikes and the Tilting Slider, and the most badass gymnast of them all returns to continue her fight against NBC’s prejudice when it comes to vertically challenged athletes. That’s right, Kacy Catanzaro is back, and there’s a reason to care about this show again.
TURN: Washington’s Spies (AMC, 10:00 p.m.) – In the Season 2 finale, Abe’s finally ready to kill Major Hewlett, Ben fights at the Battle of Monmouth, and Benedict Arnold still has a hard-on for Peggy.
So You Think You Can Dance (Fox, 8:00 p.m.) – Last week, we learned that nerds can in fact dance. This week, we learn… oh, who cares, Paula Abdul is back judging something. That’s good enough for me.
The Bachelorette (ABC, 8:00 p.m.) – Kaitlyn and the guys visit New York City where they rap battle, audition for a musical, and basically do everything but try to win the affections of the bachelorette. Also, a bombshell is dropped when Nick Viall (Andi Dorfman’s former potential suitor) shows up, hoping to begin their sext-filled relationship again.
The First 48: Extreme Kills (A&E, 8:00/9:00 p.m.) – The series premiere has a Louisville detective continuing the hunt for whoever murdered a teenager and injured two young boys by shooting a machine gun at them while they were asleep, and a look at the investigation of a young mother viciously killed and left in an abandoned house in Cleveland. People are assholes.
WWE Monday Night Raw (USA, 8:00 p.m.) – Sorry, guys. Dean Ambrose and Seth Rollins still aren’t friends.
Major Crimes (TNT, 9:00 p.m.) – The Season 4 premiere begins with the squad investigating a double homicide linked to home invasions in the Hollywood Hills, while Sanchez tries to rejoin the team after his suspension.
Texas Rising (HIST, 9:00 p.m.) – General Houston and his men stage a surprise attack on the Mexican Army at San Jacinto, and we have yet another opportunity to count how many facts the network completely ignores in its latest historical retelling.
The Real Housewives of Orange County (Bravo, 9:00 p.m.) – They’re back, and they’re still a bunch of snobby bitches. Enjoy.
Murder in the First (TNT, 10:00 p.m.) – The Season 2 premiere has Terry and Hildy trying to figure out why two students opened fire on a school bus. (Man, is it just me, or has Monday night TV taken a really dark turn?)
The Island (NBC, 10:00 p.m.) – The 12 remaining men get hungry and take it out on each other, while a few question why they decided it would be a good idea to let NBC ship them off to a deserted island with no food, water or immediate medical care all for the sake of reality TV. Good job, guys. Those questions only came about three episodes too late.
The Whispers (ABC, 10:00 p.m.) – Claire continues her quest to identify John Doe while communicating with Wes behind Lena’s back.
Making of Jurassic World (HBO, 10:15 p.m.) – Okay, I usually don’t give a sh*t about these HBO Making Of specials, but this is Chris Pratt and dinosaurs we’re talking about, so exceptions must be made.
LATE NIGHT LISTINGS: Larry David, Jason Alexander and Alabama Shakes on Fallon; Edie Falco and Fall Out Boy on Meyers; Nick Offerman and Ellie Kemper on Corden; and Tim Robbins on Conan. Kimmel is a repeat.
