House (FOX) – Series finale. There’s an hour-long retrospective with cast interviews and such at 8 p.m., and then the final episode of the long-running medical drama airs at 9. If the people in charge of this show have any kind of sense of humor at all, the whole hour will just be House diagnosing patients with lupus over and over until the credits roll. (Here’s an oral history of the show, if that’s something you’re interested in.)
Dancing With the Stars (ABC) – Part 1 of the two-part season finale. According to my research, the finalists include two people named William Levy and Katherine Jenkins, as well as Green Bay Packers wide receiver Donald Driver. I am a great TV blogger.
The Bachelorette (ABC) – I prefer “The Bachelor” to “The Bachelorette” because the female contestants are typically much more fun (read: nutso), but there’s a “watching animals at the zoo” quality to the male contestants that is also pretty enjoyable. One day two bros are literally going to smash their heads together like rams to try to score points with the girl on the show. I guarantee it.
Clash of the Commercials: USA vs. The World (CBS) – Just to be clear: this is a show full of commercials, with even more commercials during the breaks. It is a full hour of non-stop, unadulterated advertising. Somewhere in fictional TV heaven, Don Draper and Roger Sterling are drinking brown liquor, looking down, and smiling.
American Ninja Warrior (NBC) – The most disappointing part of this show for me is the fact that we made it through all of the ’80s and ’90s without using this title for some crappy Dolph Lundren or Jean-Claude Van Damme movie. A real wasted opportunity.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Kathy Griffin and the new Bachelorette (Emily Maynard) on Kimmel; Lea Michelle and Barry Sonnefeld on Letterman; Jeffrey Dean Morgan on Ferguson; Kevin Costner and Bailee Madison are on Leno, with a performance by Lisa Marie Presley; John Lithgow and Miranda Cosgrove are on Fallon; and Elizabeth Banks, Timothy Olyphant, and John Mulaney are on a repeat of Conan.