Whitney (NBC) – Second season premiere. You know what? I don’t really hate Whitney. The show — and, by definition, its titular star — kind of became shorthand for “EVERYTHING THAT IS WRONG WITH TELEVISION” back when NBC was screwing around with “THE SHOWS WE ALL LIKE,” and it definitely isn’t my particular cup of bourbon tea, but it’s probably not as bad as people make it out to be when they demonize it for all of NBC’s sins. I dunno. Maybe I’m wrong. It’s not like I watch it or anything.
Modern Family/Nashville (ABC) – Matthew Broderick guest stars on Modern Family tonight. There should be more movies about people taking days off. Dominic Toretto’s Day Off, Brian O’Conner’s Day Off, Letty Whatsherface’s Day Off, The Characters Ludacris And Tyrese Plays’s Day Off, etc. All the greats.
Eddie Murphy: One Night Only (Spike) – A two-hour tribute to Eddie Murphy. I don’t know why this is on Spike.
American Horror Story: Asylum (FX) – Sister Jude hires a Nazi hunter tonight. TV PITCH: A show called Nazi Hunter starring David Caruso. That’s all I got so far. Ratings gold.
Moonshiners (Discovery) – From TV Guide: “The arrival of a new lawman makes the moonshiners nervous in the second-season premiere.” You know what they say about nervous moonshiners, don’t you? Yeah, me neither. Something folksy and Southern, probably.
The Soup (E!) – I lost track of this show for a while when E! moved it to Wednesdays, but it remains appointment television as long as it continues to alert us about the existence of shows like Untold Stories of the ER, as Burnsy reminded me recently.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: Martin Short and Suraj Sharma on Kimmel; Alec Baldwin on Letterman; Billy Crystal on Ferguson; Helen Hunt, Pauly D, and Kylie Minogue on Leno; Chris Tucker and Kellen Lutz on Fallon; and Kristen Stewart and Glenn Howerton on Conan.