Dancing with the Stars (ABC, 8 p.m.) — Winnie Cooper, D.J. Tanner, Billy Dee Williams, and a bunch of people who you didn’t have a crush on as a teenager and/or aren’t Lando dance for our amusement.
How I Met Your Mother (CBS, 8 p.m.) — Taran Killam (I wonder how they got him?) returns as GNB employee Gary Blauman. Maybe he’s the mother?
Archer (FX, 10 p.m.) — Archer, Ray and Cyril raft down a crocodile-filled river, while Lana and Pam plan a spa day for Malory, just like all bachelor and bachelorette parties.
Bates Motel (A&E, 10 p.m.) — Norma’s brother Caleb arrives at the motel. I bet he’s a poor tripper. People named Caleb are known to be stingy.
Rick and Morty (Adult Swim, 10:30 p.m.) — Rick rigs a cable box to show TV from multiple realities, hopefully including one reality with the Rick and Morty channel. WUBBA LUBBA DUB DUB.
LATE NIGHT GUESTS: James Spader and Kermit the Frog on Fallon; Uma Thurman on Kimmel; Jane Lynch and Salman Rushdie on Ferguson; and Anderson Cooper and Iggy Azalea on Meyers.