For an episode that some viewers complained was a bit of a slow start, the Game of Thrones season six premiere sure did pile up the bodies. Last week, we witnessed the overthrow and death of those at the top of Dorne’s House Martell. Adding in all the Boltons killed by Briene, a total of 10 people died.
Episode two of the season may not have reached the same impressive body count, but it came close and saw two more major houses lose their patriarchs to treachery. How many more people are going to get stabbed in the back by family members? There’s never been a better time to have a Ser Robert Strong kicking around to protect you from that kind of thing. Or a Wun Wun. Either works.
Let’s take a look at this week’s carnage.
R.I.P. Trigger Happy Night’s Watchmen
When Ser Allister put forward the command to fight the Wildling horde Dolorous Edd brought back to Castle Black, only two poor suckers actually followed through and attacked. The first got cut open by Tormund, while the second had his head dashed against a wall by Wun Wun with terrifying ease. Everyone else seemed to understand this was a power struggle between the guys that killed Jon Snow and Jon Snow’s pissed off friends, and decided to stay out of it. Wise move.
R.I.P. Peasant Who Showed Cersei His Penis
There’s a lot of nudity in Game of Thrones, but we must point out that things rarely turn out well for characters with visible penises. We saw Theon Greyjoy’s penis, and now he no longer has it. Then there was the wine merchant who tried to poison Dany — he was dragged naked behind a horse to his death. Meereen’s champion was killed by Daario after whipping his bits out for a piss.
And now we have the random peasant who jangled his filthy privates at Cersei during her walk of shame. It seems like her new Master of Whispers Qyburn is keeping tabs on those who make the mistake of bringing that moment up. So who smashed a head against the wall best, Ser Robert Strong or Wun Wun?
R.I.P. Roose Bolton
Roose always suspected that any son he had wouldn’t be safe from Ramsay, but somehow he didn’t follow the logic that said any man willing to murder his baby brother is undoubtedly capable of killing his father as well. With Ramsay legitimized by the crown, he no longer needed Roose. In fact, the longer he kept Roose around, the more chance there was that Roose might decide to kill Ramsay instead first. So while this death certainly caught us unprepared, in retrospect it’s kinda surprising Roose lasted as long as he did after Ramsay became a Bolton.
R.I.P. Walda Bolton and Lil Roose Jr.
Poor sweet Walda. From the moment we were introduced to her on the show, we knew she was going to end up being killed by Ramsay. And of course Roose’s baby had to go too. Being legitimized may give Ramsay the technical ability to rule House Bolton, but compared to a trueborn sibling he’d always have the taint of bastardry on him. As gut-wrenching as this scene ended up being, we have to give thanks to whoever on the Game of Thrones staff decided we didn’t have to watch Walda and her baby get ripped to pieces by Ramsay’s hounds. It totally makes up for that Melisandre scene in the season premiere.
R.I.P. Balon Greyjoy
King Balon has been rattling around the Iron Islands for a couple of seasons now doing very little. Sure, he may be the sole king left alive from the War of the Five Kings, but that’s only because no one cared enough about the Greyjoys to bother killing him. Maybe bringing that stat up was a jinx, though. Next thing he knew, his brother Euron was tossing him off a rope bridge to his death.
This week’s final tally…
Major Characters Killed: 3
Minor Characters Killed: 4
Total Deaths In This Episode: 7
Total Deaths This Season: 17
Do we need to subtract a death due to Jon Snow’s resurrection? These death counts get somewhat complicated when the dead don’t stay dead. Come back next week for what we all assume is going to be yet another bloodbath of an episode of Game of Thrones.
