Thanks to the mild success of Girl Meets World, there’s probably not a successful sitcom title from the late 80s or 90s that hasn’t been at least mumbled in a studio executive’s office during a conversation about milking dead cows. Yesterday’s news about a full-blown Full House reunion is all the proof that we’ll ever need of that theory, because Warner Bros. TV is currently working with John “Time to Pay Uncle Jesse” Stamos in bringing the Tanners and their extended family back to the small screen for the sake of answering the question that Jimmy Fallon basically already answered – Hey, what would it look like if the cast of Full House got together today?
Of course, as excited as people were about this reunion news, the deal is far from done. For starters, and perhaps most importantly, we don’t really have a clue as to which actors from the original cast would be signing on to reprise their roles. Will Bob Saget be returning as the Tanner family’s goofy and harmless patriarch? Will Uncle Joey be stuffing his hand up a beaver’s butt once more? Will Uncle Jesse be calling up the Rippers for another reunion show within a reunion show? Wait, no. The answer to that last question is yes, because Stamos is about to open his own Ft. Knox with this deal.
So what about the rest of the Tanners and their friends? Fortunately, I am a licensed odds maker (does Guam count?) and I have used my very scientific process to determine just how likely the returns of the show’s most important actors will be, and I even threw in some of the lesser characters, because if Steve Urkel doesn’t get a comeback out of this dumb idea, then we riot.
Off the board: John Stamos
The original report already included the fact that John Stamos basically owns the Full House franchise, so this is a huge money and power move on his part, because that yogurt commercial money just isn’t getting the job done. Stamos isn’t going to become an entertainment industry big-timer without the hundreds of millions of dollars that real TV A-listers bank off of nostalgic goons who can’t stop wondering what the hell happened to that dude with the mullet from the late 80s. Even if this show was just about Uncle Jesse playing terrible cover songs, it would be called Full House, because Stamos is trying to get paid, y’all. But if Stamos is going to do this right, he better at least deliver on more Cousin Stavros, because that was some Emmy Lifetime Achievement Award sh*t right there.
Candace Cameron Bure, Jodie Sweetin, Andrea Barber – 2:5
DJ and Stephanie Tanner, as well as the obnoxious Kimmy Gibbler, are already “on board,” so it would either take a change of mind or a miracle from the network gods to stop them from making a comeback. Although, instead of Barber returning as Kimmy, they should have Rhonda Shear play Adult Kimmy like she did back in 1990’s “Those Better Not Be the Days.” Sure, the former Miss USA and host of the USA Network’s super-softcore platform Up All Night is 60 now, but Kimmy would have probably been addicted to hardcore drugs and alcohol by the time she hit her late 20s, so she could have realistically aged terribly.
Dave Coulier – 2:1
What if Coulier turned this project down and instead chose to pursue a passionate independent film project and really try to give dramatic acting a go so he can turn the heads of Hollywood casting directors and resurrect his career as one of the most dynamic leading men in movie history? Haha, CUT. IT. OUT. The day the guy who spent half the series with a puppet on his hand shuns a paycheck in favor of integrity is the day that a network says no to nostalgic fluff. Sure, the report claims that Coulier is involved “in some way,” but I’m pretty sure that way is holding out his hands and saying, “Money, please!”
Lori Laughlin – 3:1
I want so badly to believe that my beloved girlfriend in another life would wash her hands of Full House and continue to work on projects that allow her to grow as an actress. Realistically, though, you can’t have Uncle Jesse without Aunt Becky, because then you’d have to explain why they got divorced and who got custody of the twins, and by that point do you really want a series about a single 50-something bro hitting on his nieces’ friends and saying, “Have mercy!” as his proctologist’s assistant squirts lube on her gloved finger? Full House needs Aunt Becky now more than ever.
Bob Saget – 5:1
Like Coulier, Saget is “involved in some way,” and I’d like to believe that means that Danny Tanner actually died at some point after the series ended, and he’s only returning as a ghost. How did he die? Well, it’s Saget, and he’s one of the filthiest comics on the planet, so let’s all hope that it ends with, “The Aristocrats!”
The Beach Boys – 6:1
If this truly is a Stamos vanity project, it’s going to be as much a musical adventure as it is a Rated G comedy, so we can expect to see Jesse and the Rippers back in action with a number of bands and artists, including the Beach Boys, who shared a stage with the Tanners in Hawaii for one of the lamest sitcom moments ever imagined. I don’t know if the Beach Boys have it in them – or even if they’re all still alive – but if Stamos is willing to take his mad cash grab this far, then you can bet he’ll want us all to ask, “What about that time Stephanie Tanner stood in front of a mic and shouted, ‘BA BA BA BA BA BA’ on repeat?”