Entertainment Weekly has an exclusive preview of Ryan Lochte’s new E! reality show, What Would Ryan Lochte Do?, and I can not stress strongly enough to you that YOU NEED TO GO THERE AND WATCH THAT SH-T IMMEDIATELY. It might be the dumbest 270 seconds I’ve ever seen, thanks in no small part to the 23 full seconds he spends explaining how to pronounce his catchphrase “JEAH.” Twenty-three seconds. I counted.
But anyway, is Ryan Lochte a player, you ask? “Describe player,” says Ryan Lochte, with the self-satisfied look of a man who just scribbled “Yes, please” next to the word “Sex” on a standardized test, moments before a barrage of clips where he whistles and yells at bars and picks up women with smooth come-ons like “Duuuuhhhhhhhhhhhmmmm… what’re you doin’ tomorrow night?” (NOTE: Actual quote.) BUT HE’S JUST LOOKING FOR LOVE, HATERZ. It’s just that it’s hard to settle down when you have to travel all the time and do shots and people are jealous because you lead this great life full of business and WHOOPS Ryan Lochte boinked someone else. Oh, well. JEAH!
It’s like someone took Derek Zoolander and Nick Kroll’s Bobby Bottleservice character and whirred them up in a blender with enough vodka and Red Bull to drown a cat. Nailed it again, 30 Rock.