The Young Pope Popedown is a list of the five craziest and/or most notable things that happened in each episode of HBO’s The Young Pope, ranked from least to most crazy and/or notable. Like a countdown, but with popes.
5. The Pope is on the move
Let’s clear up some business first, because I am livid, and we need to get some things out of the way before I lose my mind.
The Pope is sad about Andrew’s death and his general failure at, uh, Pope things, so he takes a trip to Africa to visit Sister Antonia. Some fun facts about Sister Antonia: She has been running villages for the poor for 30 years, she has bad breath, and whooooops she’s been working with tyrannical warlords to control the water supply. (We learned this last thing from a local priest, who slipped the Pope a note in the confessional after the Pope went on and on about how the sex chat with his favorite author made him horny as heck, which was great because we found out when he was done that the priest doesn’t even speak English. Show’s out here doing full-on comedy bits now.) This was a fun turn of events because the Pope more or less became Columbo for a bit to investigate it all. Here’s a screencap of him snooping on her using the reflection of the chalice. I love it.
More of Sister Antonia and the Great Water Cartel later. Elsewhere:
– There are protestors galore in the wake of the new hardline, anti-gay, anti-abortion policies, and some of the protestors — assuming it wasn’t a vision, which we absolutely can not assume, because we’ve seen a giant pyramid of babies on multiple occasions — are showing up in the gardens at night, topless, with the word “bastard” spelled out letter-by-letter on their nude torsos. This is probably bad as it relates to security, as naked people with no fancy spy equipment should not be able to get that close to the pope, but it’s also fun because it means they had to orchestrate it carefully to make sure it worked. Like I wanted them to stand up and have it spell “BATSARD” and devolve into bickering. Maybe next time.
– For a guy who doesn’t want to be seen by the public, my man sure picks some loud outfits
– The whole Africa trip, with its water theft and corrupt nuns and war-torn villages littered with the bodies of children, led to a big speech about peace that was given over a loudspeaker like the great and powerful Oz and set to a more holy rendition of “Halo” by Beyoncé, and in which he revealed that he first saw peace along the banks of a river in Colorado. Guess what he meant by that. GUESS. Did you guess “watched his naked hippie mom frolic on some rocks”? Congrats if you did.
– Voiello and Sister Mary Relationship Status: Reluctant
4. Jennifer has a question
See, the thing about The Young Pope is that it jumps from serious to relentlessly crazy at will, so you never know exactly where you’re headed. This why, when intrepid reporter Jennifer kept shouting “I have an important question for the Pope!,” my first thought was that it was going to be something silly. It was the way she phrased it, and the face she made while repeating herself. I was on the edge of my seat, like “Oooo here’s comes the goof train.” I was so excited.
But nope. It was, like, a real question, about whether Kurtwell was blackmailing him, and whether he was trying to bury the investigation by sending a drunken Vatican hermit to New York to look into it. Which is fair, I guess, and probably something that will come up later, as it seems important. (Although we’ve now gone two episodes without a single mention of the stigmata guy, even after the suspicious detective showed up and questioned Voiello about the disappearance, so who the hell knows?) Still. I kind of wanted her to ask, like, “Does the Holy Father think Air Bud is a good dog?” I have expectations now. That’s all.
3. The Pope is a bad co-pilot
“Stop playing with the buttons, Holy Father.”
2. On my knees in the night saying prayers in the truck light
Oh, so here’s something. The Pope stopped his convoy at a gas station and prayed in the parking lot and I…
Did he…
Did the Pope murder Sister Antonia with a gas station prayer? Because either that’s what happened, or he poisoned her secret water stash.
I…
I don’t…
Is he one of the X-Men now?
1. An unspeakable tragedy in the Vatican
WHO KILLED THE POPE’S KANGAROO?
WHO DID IT?
I WANT NAMES.
WAS IT YOU, TOPLESS GARDEN PROTESTORS?
DID YOU KILL THE POPE’S KANGAROO?
WHAT DID THE KANGAROO EVER DO TO YOU?
ANSWER ME.
ANSWER ME, YOU MONSTERS.
YOU DON’T KILL A MAN’S KANGAROO.
I DON’T CARE IF YOU HAVE FUNDAMENTAL DIFFERENCES WITH HIM.
YOU DON’T KILL A MAN’S KANGAROO.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS?
WHY WOULD YOU KILL THE KANGAROO?
I DEMAND AN INVESTIGATION.
I DEMAND VENGEANCE.
IF I EVER BECOME POPE AND SOMEONE KILLS MY KANGAROO (A LONG SHOT, ADMITTEDLY, ON A FEW FRONTS), WE WOULD HAVE A JOHN WICK SITUATION ON OUR HANDS.
I SWEAR TO GOD.
HEADS WOULD ROLL.
I SWEAR TO GOD.
