If there’s one thing I’ve learned about having a kid in my two months as a father, it’s that there are a lot – a lot – of articles by “experts” about how to raise your child. Talk to them this way, hold them this way, don’t drop them on their head too often, don’t let them meet minorities, let them out of their cage at least once per day, blah blah blah.
One of the biggest sources of parenting news is strangely enough The Huffington Post, who last week posted an article titled “9 Signs Your Child Had A Past Life“, which even for them is really, really stupid. Luckily for us, Stephen Colbert addressed the article in last night’s episode of The Colbert Report. Take a look:
Am I the only person wondering who is giving Adolf Hitler material to a six-year old? That will never happen in my house, I leave my copy of Mein Kampf right next to my handgun in the cookie jar, where my son will never find it.
Here are the signs HuffPo says means your child had a past life:
- Adult-Like Behavior
- Specific Past-Life Memories
- Traumatic Memories
- Uncanny Knowledge of Other Languages
- Night Terrors
- Advanced Skills
- Morbid Drawings of Their Death
- Memories of the Period ‘Between Lives’
- Talk About The Earlier Mother
Of course, instead of being reincarnated, it could just mean that your kid is watching way too many episodes of Adventure Time after eating a lot of sugar.
Oh, and do they include creepy gifs under each sign? You bet your ass they do. Here’s a few:
Jesus, that is intense stuff right there. I’m beginning to think that all I need to do for my child is keep him away from The Huffington Post.