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Are Justin Bieber And Paris Hilton Doing It? A Serious Investigation

By / 05.20.14
"The Rover" Premiere - The 67th Annual Cannes Film Festival

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Justin Bieber and Paris Hilton are both in Cannes right now like the useless clingers-on they are — oh no wait, I’m sorry, we can’t discredit either of their illustrious film careers between The Hottie and the Nottie and Justin Bieber’s “Justin Bieber documentaries.” At any rate, both Hilton and “shirtless” Bieber (natch) were spotted partying earlier this week at Busta Rhymes’ birthday party, and according to E! Online, the two seemed pretty friendly before leaving the club together. Which means: DOING IT.

Hilton didn’t let their age difference (she’s 33, he’s 20) get in the way of some playful coziness with a shirtless Bieber—she hopped into his lap while he was sitting on a throne. We wonder what Hilton’s most recent boyfriend, 22-year-old model River Viiperi will think about that.

Aw. Just like Joffrey and Margaery Tyrell. Don’t get too excited, though, Justin Bieber and Paris Hilton ‘shippers, because TMZ has a conflicting report that this was NOT the case.

Paris and Justin partied in Cannes Sunday night at Gotha Nightclub.  There are reports that the 2 got cozy … with the 33-year-old climbing into Justin’s 20-year-old lap … then leaving for his house.

But here’s the deal.  We’re told 50 people went back to Justin’s house — Paris was never alone with him.  And something else we were told … she said the party was lame and couldn’t stand the fact that Justin was playing his own songs … so she left after half an hour.

I can tell you to almost a certainty what happened here. Paris Hilton sitting on Bieber’s lap, coming back to his house? All 100% true. Paris Hilton’s famewhorey star has been faded for awhile now and this is exactly the kind of exposure she needs to claw her way back into the spotlight.

Justin Bieber playing his own music at his own party? Also 100% true. All you need is to look at evidence such as this, this and this to irrefutably back up that claim. So where does the discrepancy come in? Based on my scientific and mathematical findings: Paris Hilton’s celebrity peaked back in 2006. When Justin Bieber was twelve. Paris Hilton likely came on to Bieber at his party, was promptly rebuffed, and then quickly leaked her version of events to the gossip rags.

Which means that she probably went and sacrificed that goat to win Justin Bieber’s heart for nothing. What a waste of a perfectly good goat.

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