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Let’s Guess The Menu At GWAR’s Restaurant, GWARbar

By 05.28.14
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“Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name and they’re always glad you came HOT FIRE FROM YOUR MAGGOT-RIDDEN PENIS STRAIGHT INTO SATAN’S VAGINA.” I’m no Don Draper or Peggy Olson, but I think Gwar would be doing their skull-covered wallets a disservice if they didn’t hire me to write the theme song for GWARbar, a band-owned restaurant opening in their hometown of Richmond, Virginia, this summer. From a press release, via Consequence of Sound:

GWARbar will not merely be a place to gorge on delectable food-stuffs whilst hoisting endless flagons of liquid glee…it will not be just a shrine and showcase to the undeniable visual impact of the world’s most infamous metal band…the opening of the GWARbar will be the singularly most important culinary event to occur since the invention of the spoon! Because the GWARbar marks the first time in the history of humans eating stuff that they shall do so by ordering off a menu designed by a chef NOT OF THIS EARTH…that’s right, BalSac, the Jaws of Death, GWAR’s guitar player and also designer of the notoriously tasty “GWAR-B-Q Sauce”, is bringing his supreme knowledge of intergalactic cuisine to the GWARbar, and has designed a bill of fare that is sure to make man or aliens swoon with epicurean delight. Let the plates of mankind be filled with the food of the God’s…at a workingman’s price! “My mother taught me the endless secrets of intergalactic cooking,” said the hulking form of Balsac as he sat down to a heaping platter of GWAR-B-Q. “And then I ate her.” (Via)

Perks on GWARbar’s Indiegogo page include “a certificate for a free entree as soon as we open,” “come into the GWARbar kitchen and learn how to prepare one of our culinary creations under the weighty tutelage of BalSac the Jaws ‘o Death,” and “BalSac will create a cocktail for the GWARbar and name it after you.” That’s tempting, but I’d rather suggest dishes, including:

-Ham and Eggs on the Bone
-Scumhotdogs of the Universe
-Salami Sandwich a Go-Go
-Gonna Kill Udon
-Meat Sandwich (don’t even need to change that one)

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