When I think of sexy, I don’t exactly think of oodles and oodles of children just spilling out of a sad vagina the size of the Grand Canyon. But I guess when it comes down to it, the babies had to be made with traditional penis-vagina intercourse before they could come spilling out — so who better than Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar to give you tips on how to keep the “spark” alive?
The stars of TLC’s 19 Kids and Counting gave an exclusive to Today Moms with these “Seven Tips For Keeping Your Marriage Sexy,” when plugging away at the same boring old mate year after year after year:
1. Say yes to sex, even when you’re tired. Michelle says a friend gave her advice to live by before she and Jim Bob married in 1984: “She said, ‘In your marriage there will be times you’re going to be very exhausted. Your hubby comes home after a hard day’s work, you get the baby to bed, and he is going to be looking forward to that time with you.'” — she’s talking about sex, just so everyone’s clear — “‘Be available. Anyone can fix him lunch, but only one person can meet that physical need of love that he has, and you always need to be available when he calls.'”
If you spoke to some professional ladies of the night, I’d think they’d probably have some contrasting opinions on just how many people can fill that “physical need of love.” But more importantly, WHO IS THIS WHORE MAKING HIS LUNCH?
2. But give it a rest sometimes. It’s not all sexytime at the Duggars. They abstain when Michelle has her period, and also after childbirth: 80 days before sex if it’s a girl, 40 days after a boy. (The timeline for abstinence after childbirth is loosely based on Old Testament traditions, but is more about what works for their marriage than about observing religious law, the Duggars say.) A bit of abstinence, they’ve found, does make the heart grow fonder.
No period sex? Pffft. Amateurs. Just when I thought these people might be freaky. I’m guessing they’re not interested in seeing what “brown” can do for them, either.
3. Treat your wife like a queen. Lest you think Duggar romance is all about the baby-making, they note that emotional intimacy is important, too. Even in the whirlwind of raising 19 kids, they do little things like sending each other “I love you” texts, calling each other “Sweetie,” and kissing in the kitchen. Jim Bob seems to put Michelle on a pedestal; and to be fair, she does the same to him.
If I sent my husband a random text that just said “I love you” he’d probably just spend the rest of the day trying to figure out how I f*cked up the car this time.
4. The strong, silent type is overrated. “He shares his heart with me, his struggles, his fears and his dreams,” Michelle tells TODAY Moms. “Many men would not do that, but God’s word says that before honor comes humility. When he learns to humble himself before God and me, it builds him up so much in my eyes.”
Translation: Jim Bob totally cries whenever that Google Chrome commercial comes on.
5. Perfectionism kills romance. While many of us are trained to be detail-oriented and strive for perfection at work, Jim Bob says bringing that attitude home can be a relationship-killer. Withholding praise makes your loved ones lose that loving feeling. “Expectations ruin relationships,” Jim Bob warns.
What this says to me is that Jim Bob probably never helps Michelle out with the dishes. Bastard.
6. Make time for date night. Michelle and Jim Bob go out, just the two of them, every Saturday night. Sure, they often end up talking about the kids, but it’s still an important time for them to reconnect. They usually go to Michelle’s favorite ice cream shop. “It’s a really special time,” Jim Bob says.
OK seriously? Going to a frigging ice cream shop constitutes a “really special time?” Clearly those of us who came to this article looking for buttplugs and S&M tips are going to be severely disappointed.
7. Never stop learning. After 30 years of marriage and 19 kids, Jim Bob and Michelle are still interested in discovering others’ advice for a happy partnership. They recently met an Amish couple who’d celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary and asked them their secret. Their answer? The phrases, “I was wrong” and “Will you forgive me?”
Who the hell asks Amish people for marriage secrets? These are people that don’t believe in deodorant or internet porn, and are not to be trusted at all whatsoever. Also, how are you supposed to get the upper hand in a marriage by admitting you’re wrong all the time? Worst advice ever. Admitting you’re wrong is a show of weakness, and — much like in war — in marriage you can never let your guard down.
So anyway, Happy Valentine’s Day! Just make sure you use protection, because: