CBS’ juggernaut, Survivor, has just announced the newest cast for its 28th season (!!) Survivor: Cagayan, or as it’s becoming known, Survivor: Brains, Brawn and Beauty. I won’t lie, I am a huge fan of Survivor and love when they do these cheesy theme seasons. It tickles the part of me that likes “Hang In There” posters and argyle socks. Let’s take a look at the newest cast members and for good measure make a guess on where they’ll finish.
Feel free to chime in on where you think they’ll finish. If you get the final 3 correct you will earn an acknowledging head-nod and smirk from me.
Cliff Robinson (!!)
Holy crap! Uncle Cliffy! A veteran of 18 NBA seasons, Cliff is definitely the highest profile player this season. At 6’10” he’s also the one who will get asked the most to get coconuts for the girls. Just try telling me he’s not Kevin Durant’s father. Go ahead.
He’s likeable and he’ll be a physical threat, but he’s such a threat that he won’t make the finals.
Predicted Finish: 8th place
Yes, that’s right, pro Poker Player (ugh) Garrett Adelstein is on Team Brains, I guess because he concentrates hard when he waxes his chest? Guys like Garrett always last a bit longer than they should until they’re betrayed in spectacular fashion before the merge.
Predicted Finish: 11th place
Miss Teen Kentucky Jefra Bland (how apropos) is the assumed token ditzy blonde. She’ll be adorable, she’ll look good in a bikini and she will probably say something terribly, terribly unintelligent/racist at some point.
Predicted Finish: 9th place
Team: Beauty (really?)
Professional Horse Trainer LJ McKanas comes from Boston, Massachusetts, because obviously when you think horses you think of the lush Quincy countryside. I have no idea if he’ll be the “SAWX RULE” type of Masshole, or the “WE WILL HAVE ORDAH!” type. Time will tell.
Predicted Finish: Are there horses on Survivor? No? Ok then. 15th Place
David Samson is the President of the Miami Marlins. Yes, the Miami Marlins who are the laughingstock of Major League Baseball. If David got to choose the sides in the first episode there’d be one big team at the beginning, everyone would get a million dollars just for showing up and no one would do any challenges, just bitch to ESPN reporters as Jeff Probst wonders what is happening.
Predicted Finish: Cmon. 18th Place
I know what you’re thinking – yes, that is a sweet tattoo – but J’Tia Taylor is a Nuclear Engineer. So there. Not only is she smarter than you would think, but she’ll probably be pregnant with Cliff Robinson’s child before Episode 4.
Predicted Finish: 5th Place
LaTasha, or as CBS helpfully nicknames, “Tasha” (thanks for that) is an Accountant from the Lou. Now, if I think that her and J’Tia will actually be great friends and form some sort of “sisterhood,” does that make me terribly racist, or…well, I guess if I have to ask then the answer’s yes.
Predicted Finish: 4th place
OK, so the tattoos and white-person dreds are an instant knock against her chances, but keep in mind she’s a hairdresser you guys. They have lots of skills.
Predicted Finish: 13th place
21 year old student Alexis Maxwell has already won the Camel Toe immunity idol. So she has that going for her. I 100% guarantee she will be the cast member to start a romance that leads to her downfall, a Survivor staple if ever there was one.
Predicted Finish: 12th place