2012 KSK NFL Prekkake: Philadelphia Eagles

08.28.12 5 years ago 40 Comments

The 2011 season arrived in Philadelphia with great fanfare and expectation, as well as one well-circulated boisterous quote from their backup quarterback. Everything quickly imploded in hilarious fashion. Vick got hurt. The defense played too much zone coverage despite having a trio of cover corners. The linebackers were dreadful. There were “Fire Andy!” chants. But with some minor changes, the Eagles are right back on the path to dynasty status, provided Michael Vick can stay healthy longer than six snaps.

Five Fast Facts About the Eagles:

– Jeremy Maclin flies kites at night. So unwholesome.

– The Eagles have a partnership with Angry Birds to show game-related graphics on the video board this season during games. Yes, because we always want to encourage children to visit the Linc.

– Brian Westbrook is scheduled to retire as an Eagle on Wednesday. His status for the event remains questionable.

– Eagles to hold solemn Week 1 ceremony in which fans throw batteries at half strength for Garrett Reid.

– Howard Mudd will spin you a good yarn about the Hoovervilles that used to line the Mall, but you’d got to buy him a pack of dip first.

Notable acquisitions: DeMeco Ryans, Demetrius Bell, Fletcher Cox, Mat McBriar, Oshiomogho Atogwe

Notable departures: Asante Samuel, Vince Young, Juqua Parker, Ronnie Brown, Owen Schmitt

Vegas win total over/under: 10 wins

KSK verdict: PUSH

Fantasy player you’ll want to dig at with rusty hooks: DeSean Jackson

Even though DeSean swears he’s no longer half-assing it to protect his body and is actually ready to try again this season, he’s bound to do a stupid thing that will cost him playtime. Moreover, his value is inextricably linked to the suspect health of Michael Vick, more so even than most top-flight receivers. While Vick remains a severe risky venture, but at least you go in knowing your own player is the thing you have to worry about. With DeSean, he and stay healthy and halfway focused and still have his fantasy value halved.

Fan forecast, by UPROXX colleague and occasional KSK contributor, Danger Guerrero:

As a lifelong Eagles fan, and a noted expert on the Andy Reid Era, here are some things that I guarantee will happen during the team’s 2012 season:

– They will have four games where they look like an unstoppable offensive juggernaut.

– They will have four games where they look like they couldn’t score a touchdown even if the other team got zapped at halftime with some sort of space laser that turned them all into puddles of goo and the referees were all “Welp I don’t see anything in the rule book about calling off a game on account of space lasers turning one team into puddles of goo, so I guess we’ll keep playing.”

– They will have eight games that fall somewhere between those two extremes, and in each of those eight games Andy Reid will line the offense up in the shotgun at the 1-yard-line and call that goddamn shovel pass that everyone knows is coming and it will get blown up for a loss and I will scream until my lungs bleed.

– Michael Vick will break a very important bone while taking a completely unnecessary risk, and the city will fall hopelessly in love with whatever white shitbird they put in to replace him.

– DeSean Jackson will do something so stupid that I won’t even be able to get mad at him about it.

– Andy Reid will waste a number of challenges on calls he has zero chance of getting overturned.

– On no fewer than three occasions, the clock will run out on them in the red zone at the end of a half because they decided to throw a slant even though they were out of timeouts (aka The McNabb Special.)

– Trent Cole will accumulate 17 sacks despite getting double-teamed on every play, but ESPN will instead choose to devote multiple segments to Jared Allen hunting for moose or whatever.

– Their season will end in heartbreaking fashion and another irreplaceable part of me will die and wither away to nothing, leaving only emptiness where hope once thrived.

I can’t wait for football season, you guys.

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