A Connecticut Man Allegedly Raped A Pit Bull Because ISIS Told Him To

When you look at someone’s head, it’s hard to realize the collection of roads and weird idea swamps that exist within that structure. Which is to say, sometimes somebody’s weird sh*t makes you stand up and go, “Whoa, what the f*ck was that?” This is one of those moments.

A naked man is accused of raping a pit bull in his neighbor’s yard.

Alice Woodruff told WTNH-TV that she confronted her neighbor at gunpoint while he was performing sex acts on her rescue pit bull that is kept on an 800-pound tow chain in her backyard.

“I thought my dog had killed somebody because I saw a man underneath her,” Woodruff explained to WTNH. “I started to scream. I had a citronella candle and I threw it at him, screaming ‘get off my dog, you have to get out of here.’ He said, ‘No, today is the day we are going to spend the rest of our lives together.’”

Woodruff said the man appeared mentally ill as he was telling her that the terror group ISIS sent him.

I have two observations and a confession.

My confession is that I know more about the ISIS on Archer than I do the about the real world threat. So for all I know, sending naked men into people’s yards to defile their dogs is ISIS’ way of trying to upset our society. Also, I bet my use of the word “confession” up there made you feel weird for a moment.

My observations are that this guy is very lucky that Alice Woodruff threw a citronella candle and not one of those big jar candles. You shouldn’t do it, but someone could do some serious damage to a person if they hit them in the head with a Holiday Bayberry Yankee Candle. Any other brand or scent would inflict the same amount of damage if hurled with extreme velocity, but I like the Holiday Bayberry one so I referenced it.

Also, a pit bull? I don’t want to contribute to the negative stereotype about pit bulls being extremely aggressive, but while I would obviously never sex up a dog, I really wouldn’t try something with a pit bull. Because it’s a pit bull and that 800-pound chain should have been a red flag. That’s the kind of chain you use to keep a Rancor monster tethered. That’s the test that is recommended for dragons. Would you molest a Rancor monster or a dragon? No, you would not.

Again, this guy is lucky that he’s still alive.

The Waterbury Police Department is investigating the incident. Authorities plan to charge him with cruelty to an animal, sexual assault and breach of peace.

The man is currently hospitalized.

“Lucky” is a relative term, of course.

Source: CBS Connecticut via WTNH

×