All the Bored Office Drones and Mainstream Media Will Look Up and Shout ‘Post Something!’ … And I’ll Look Down and Whisper ‘No.’

03.12.09 9 years ago 61 Comments

SCENE: An alternate 2009. Thanks to the widespread success of fantasy football, a distracted populace has elected George Bush to a third term as President.  However, tension is mounting between the NFL and its players’ union, and if the two sides can’t come to an agreement soon, the 2009 season will be lost.  Aaron Schatz and his team of Football Outsiders have placed the NFL Doomsday Clock at five minutes ’til midnight…

VOICEOVER: “Beneath me, this awful comments section, it screams like an abattoir full of retarded children. The Internet.

“On Friday night, an All-Pro died.  Jared Allen. The Comedian.

“A dangerous drunk.  Unpredictable.  But one of the best.  His head disappeared inside his body when he hit the pavement.

“Someone’s killing All-Pros. Have to find out why. Have to find out WHO.  Have to warn the others.  Will go to the Nite Cardinal first.”

[Nite Cardinal’s Apartment]

Nite Cardinal: Our Father, Who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name…

[door flies open]

LaRorschach!  What are you doing here?

LaRorschach: Comedian’s dead.  Someone threw him out a window.  Think killer may be after All-Pros.

Nite Cardinal: Lord help us!  I’ll pray for guidance!

LaRorschach: Christ.

Nite Cardinal: Oh, come on now.  Am I the only one who honors the Third Commandment any more?

LaRorschach: [walking out] Yes.

[under breath] Possible homosexual. Must investigate further.

[The Offices of Bradymandias, the So-Called Handsomest Man in the World]

Bradymandias: …the Comedian DEAD?  But why?

LaRorschach: You’re the one who’s turned a couple lucky wins into worldwide fame and a supermodel wife.  You tell me.

Bradymandias: Are you sure it wasn’t a fatal hunting accident?  A deadly DUI?  Those seem much more probable deaths for him.

LaRorschach: Nope. Splattered on pavement.

Bradymadias: Hm.  Well, it’s possible that —

[elevator doors fly open]

Will McDonough: Watch out!  It’s Bridget Moynihan!  And she’s got a court order to pay child support!

LaRorschach: Outta the way!

Bradymandias: Um, I was ready to jam a cyanide pill in her mouth, but… thanks.  How’d you do that?

LaRorschach: She plays fantasy football.  Drafted me in the first round.  Got what was comin’ to her.

[Rockefeller DVOA Center, Home of Dr. Manninghattan]

LaRorschach: Good evening, Dr. Manninghattan.  Came to warn you about —

Dr. Manninghattan: — an All-Pro killer.  Yes.  I am aware.

LaRorschach: Take it you’re not too concerned about Allen’s death?  The future of the NFL could be at stake.

Dr. Manninghattan: The Lombardi Trophy and this stack of cash from Sprint contain the same number of particles.  Structurally, there’s no discernible difference.  Why should I be concerned?

LaRorschach: Ennk.

Silk Steeler: [mumbling]

LaRorschach: What’d he say?

Dr. Manninghattan: You seem to be upsetting Troy.  I think you ought to go.

LaRorschach: With respect, Dr. Manninghattan, I’m not leaving ’til I’ve —

[LaRorschach gets teleported outside]

Dr. Manninghattan: So, want me to replicate myself and double-team you now?

Silk Steeler: [mumbling]

Dr. Manninghattan: Sweet!  [high-fives clone]


[Bradymandias’s Elaborate Mansion in Southern California]

LaRorschach: So it was you all along!

Bradymandias: Well, not so much me as Belichick.  He’s more the idea guy.  I just had the capital and influence to make it happen.

Nite Cardinal: But WHY?

Bradymandias: Simple.  I missed all of last season with an injury.  Another lost season would hamper my endorsement deals as well as my legacy, which will help determine future endorsement deals.  I need the NFL to go on, no matter what the cost.  Wouldn’t you agree, Dr. Manninghattan?

Dr. Manninghattan: I cannot help but agree.  Troy’s Coca-Cola advertisement helped me see the beauty of commercialism tied to the NFL.

LaRorschach: No! Not even in the face of a work stoppage. Never compromise.

Bradymandias: Oh, it’s far too late to stop me.  I’ve already launched the nuclear warheads at Pittsburgh.  And as the nation reels from the loss of its premier NFL franchise, the two sides of the labor dispute will have no choice but to come to terms and give us a 2009 season.  Why, if the Steelers ever play again, it will be in Los Angeles.  Ha ha ha!

[long pause]

LaRorschach: That’s it?  Nuke Pittsburgh?

Bradymandias: Well… yeah.  Doesn’t anyone want to try to stop me?

LaRorschach: Nah.

Nite Cardinal: No.

Dr. Manninghattan: Not especially.

Silk Steeler: [mumbles]

Bradymandias: Cool! I’ll have Will bring in some champagne.  Hey, who wants to see my eugenically enhanced sex kitten?  I call her Boobasstits.

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