You know how you can gripe about your relatives all day, but as soon as someone else insults one of them you’re ready to flip a table and start a multi-generational, Hatfields versus McCoys feud set to a background chant of “JERRY, JERRY, JERRY”? Twitter has applied the same “I can talk sh*t but you better not” principle to home town and home state pride.
The tweets all follow this similar format:
Me in Alabama: fuck bama
Me anywhere else: Alabama, land of the sweetest tea and brisket crafted by Saban's angels. Such a breathtaking countryside view, you can hear "roll tide" be whispered by the gods & banjos coming from up above.Sweet home, Alabama. Sweet home(sheds tear) https://t.co/pxErVuw5Lq
— adriana (@adrianaalewis) November 25, 2017
Every state got a rousing defense from someone who would badmouth their birthplace while home for Thanksgiving but swell up with home town pride while far from home.
Massachusetts, for example, runs on Dunkin’:
Me in Massachusetts: Mass is so boring
Me anywhere else: Mass is the most glorious historical commonwealth in the union. Clam chowder runs through my veins. I have never pronounced an R. Paul Revere is my baby daddy. I once swam across the harbor wearing colonial garb.— Maddie Yardley (@maddieyardley) November 25, 2017
Me in Massachusetts: Mass sucks
Me anywhere else: Massachusetts is where the revolution started we basically started the country. My first word was wicked and my mother breastfed me iced Dunkin’ coffee. I had road rage before I could walk. https://t.co/4H6NFjAb8U
— Kyle Manley (@tsmoochiewall) November 25, 2017
And some states are the go-to if you want a pet alligator or a lobster beloved:
me in louisiana: this place is a hellhole
me anywhere else: I once ate ten pounds of crawfish in one sitting. yes, I put tony chachere's on everything including cereal. laissez les bon temps rouler! *wipe me down plays in the background* I miss my pet alligator https://t.co/c7pJP000iU
— amanda (@mandamarieidk) November 24, 2017
Me in Maine: Maine is boring lol
Me anywhere else: Maine is the most beautiful state in the country. L.L. Bean has truly perfected the art of boot-craft. I once rode a moose to the top of Mt. Katahdin. I got legally married to a lobster at a lighthouse. I bleed pine sap. https://t.co/6lotwVcDxO
— hayd (@haydrodrigue) November 24, 2017
Colorado sounds fun:
Me in CO: Colorado is average
Me anywhere else: Colorado is the best. We have mountains in our backyards. The centennial state? I know you’ve heard that phrase. My blood type is craft beer. My middle name is weed. I don’t even have to look at the sunset because it’ll be on Snap https://t.co/Wop6JVWVt2
— Bob Ross fan account (@jellyfish_guy) November 27, 2017
Some states call for a sacrifice to prove your love:
me in NH: new hampshire is ok
me outside NH: i was baptized in lake winnipesaukee. adam sandler is my third cousin. sales tax? don’t know her. apple cider courses through my veins. i’ll shove a keen state pumpkin out my ass if i have to. mt. washington is where i’ll get married
— olivia (@oliveiafink) November 29, 2017
me in ct: connecticut is boring
me anywhere else: connecticut is the best state. my middle name is chris murphy and I was born in the yale bookstore. i actually invented uconn basketball, i will shove an entire pepe’s pizza up my ass https://t.co/FAi8bFCnsc
— christmas tea ?☕️ (@Olviiaaa) November 26, 2017
Other states are just happy to be noticed:
Me in Alaska : i hate it here
Me everywhere else : Alaska is the biggest state and the most appreciative towards native Americans. My first word was northern lights. My bestfriend is literally a ptarmigan. I live on a glacier with my family of 100 moose. I bleed forget me nots. https://t.co/hQRNZ9f0Av
— ?Mistlehoe Em? (@EmelyR1) November 26, 2017
Me in New Jersey: God its's so fucking overcrowded
Me anywhere else: I was baptized in a jughandle the first words I uttered were "20 cash regular" You've never even SEEN an actual a bagel, my gallbladder is pure pork roll, Bruce Springsteen is literally my dad https://t.co/Xellf4ea0e
— Pepper Brooks (@JoeyDFB) November 27, 2017
Me in Ohio: ohio sucks its just corn fields and potholes
Me anywhere else: scarlet and gray are the only two colors i see. i was born in a buckeye tree. the pumpkin show runs through my veins. cedar point is the only amusement park. im getting married in a kroger. https://t.co/Gy5THontOq
— seth (@sthrvs) November 26, 2017
Me in Florida: this state is so fucking hot I hate this tourist attracting, mosquito ridden swamp land I’m melting
Me anywhere else: I live where you vacation! I drink orange juice every morning and eat Pub Subs every meal. My mother is an alligator, my father is Mickey Mouse https://t.co/XqKfmzbdEC
— S t e p h (@snreifschneider) November 26, 2017
me in MN: ew u cold bitch
me anywhere else: Minnesota Nice is tattooed on my ass. I bleed lake water & bathe in Caribou coffee. I can withstand -30°F temps wearing just a flannel. My father is Paul Bunyan & my first word was “uffda.” I married a walleye at Prince’s Paisley Park. https://t.co/joJWfSHZJI
— the artist formerly known as rinsk (@0leski) November 26, 2017
Me in Iowa: Iowa winters suck I need to move somewhere warm
Me anywhere else: Iowa is the backbone of this country. Our farmers are essential to this economy. My mom is a corn stalk and my dad is a can of Busch Light. I eat a side of ranch with every meal https://t.co/OAN6M1cZdk
— Clarice LeBlanc (@clariceleblanc) November 26, 2017
me in South Dakota: I hate this homogenous tundra
me anywhere else: Have you seen a jackrabbit run? The badlands is the most underrated national park. Tom Brokaw. Could you drive at 14? Because I could. https://t.co/RDpWUmaUYa
— K. Hansen (@kiesehansen) November 27, 2017
Me in Kentucky: I haven’t breathed clearly in 5 years theres too much pollen I hate the ohio valley
Me anywhere else: Finger lickin’ good. I could play college basketball before I could walk. My father was a bottle of burbon & my mother was a racehorse. I’ve never touched a shoe. https://t.co/bUneQ1GBMq— nicole (@NicoleMartin__) November 27, 2017
Me in Delaware: Can't wait to leave Murdertown, USA!
Me anywhere else: Imagine yourself running into Joe Biden while tax-free shopping at the Christiana Mall. With lush wildlife & pristine beaches on either end of the state, stop by Wilmington for arts, dining & entertainment. https://t.co/CpVP3o3HSN
— meesh (@meezyreezyy) November 24, 2017
Me in Oregon: I hate this place.
Me anywhere else: Oregon has the most gorgeous scenery and should be on the cover of every National Geographic Magazine. I grew up in Birkenstocks and Patagonia sweatshirts. My first sippy cup was a hydro flask & I was breast fed Dutch bros. https://t.co/QSsqOwEvnz
— Karrington Troyer (@Karri_Troyer) November 28, 2017
Me in Washington: get me out of this hellhole
Me anywhere else: Washington is incredible I’m married to bigfoot. I was literally born on a snowboard going down Mt. Rainier. I bleed black coffee. You’re not vegan? What a shame I’m actually half apple. https://t.co/cPgqbVRybb
— riley (@ryy_taylor) November 29, 2017
me in tennessee: tennessee is boring lol
me anywhere else: tennessee is God’s gift to the south and the greatest state in the union. i learned how to brew sweet tea before i could walk. my mother is dolly parton and my father is a moon pie.
— Everything TN (@Everything_TN) November 27, 2017
Me in Texas: I hate this country ass hell hole can't wait to get OUT
Me anywhere else: The Texas flag? ICONIC. I bleed sweet tea & ride longhorns to school. I eat queso with every meal. Ever heard Deep in the Heart of TX? BANGER. We invented high school football. https://t.co/uLcM4wPNUW
— SIETE☀️ (@SieteWhite) November 27, 2017
me in Maryland: this place is the armpit of America
me anywhere else: l put Old Bay seasoning on EVERYthing. l learned how to pick crabs before l could walk. Our flag is so beautiful. l love the Chesapeake Bay. l have had sex with a blue crab.
— holly jolly jordank (@jordank1230) November 19, 2017
Me in North Carolina: NC is so boring
Me anywhere else: We have the beach AND the mountains. Asheville is the San Francisco of the East coast. Sweet tea runs through my veins. Michael Jordan is my father. It’s pronounced Appa-LATCH-un you uncultured swine. https://t.co/XBthTy6mh4
— ♡ kristen ♡ (@mamakristenn) November 27, 2017
Me in Pennsylvania: Pa sucks
Me anywhere else: Pennsylvania is Home to the one and only liberty bell. I was born on the field of Gettysburg where my father Benjamin Franklin invented Hershey’s chocolate on a cheesesteak. https://t.co/vb6F37vXIJ
— Brighid (@jakeefswag) November 26, 2017
In some cases, part of a state was singled out for praise:
Me in NOVA: nova sucks it’s so boring
Me anywhere else: we make up a THIRD of VA, we should just become our own state. I had an internship in DC before I could walk. I’m in a committed relationship with traffic. I fought on Manasas battlefield in the civil war. https://t.co/mjvyCkVoXU
— Jeremy Smith (@jeremygsmith1) November 21, 2017
While some people took their home state love down to the city level:
Me in Chicago: fuq this it’s cold
Me anywhere else: Chicago is the 3rd largest city in America, and is much cleaner than LA and NY. The violence is greatly exaggerated. My father is a deep dish pizza. I could play hockey before I could crawl. https://t.co/lEDA1WsQhG
— ??K? (@kndagreat) November 25, 2017
Me in NOVA: nova sucks it’s so boring
Me anywhere else: we make up a THIRD of VA, we should just become our own state. I had an internship in DC before I could walk. I’m in a committed relationship with traffic. I fought on Manasas battlefield in the civil war. https://t.co/mjvyCkVoXU
— Jeremy Smith (@jeremygsmith1) November 21, 2017
And Canada (America’s 51st state) even got a shout out:
Me in Canada: why is winter 9 months long?
Me anywhere else: I bleed maple syrup. I rode the Maid of the Mist before I could crawl. I knew Drake before he was famous. The beaver is a beautiful and majestic creature. https://t.co/7w0C2H7H5R
— Lauren (@Lauren_deOlive) November 25, 2017
It’s true. The beaver is a beautiful and majestic creature. Whereas some places weren’t singled out to be described as beautiful or majestic.
me in utah: Utah is trash
me anywhere else: yeah I'm still right every where else is better https://t.co/tUSkiM1uqq
— Aejia Nalenee (@souljaAej) November 26, 2017
Womp womp. Better luck next meme, Utah.