In Which Peter King Learns Of This Thing Called A “Keg Stand”

01.03.11 7 years ago 86 Comments

When we last left newly minted longtime Celtic fan (diehard since December 2010!) Peter King, he was searching frantically for his precious eggnog to put into his double eggnog latte with extra eggnog, getting owned by Chris Kluwe, and suffering through four terrorizing minutes of sideways snowfall. You weren’t there, man! MIKE FLORIO THOUGHT PETER MIGHT DIE! Maybe. Kinda. Possibly.

So what about this week? Whose moxie shall set off Peter’s fabled moxie detector? Does the NFL still not understand that a New Jersey Super Bowl could KILL THOUSANDS IF NO ONE WEARS SCARVES?! Think, people! Imagine! This column can be anything if you set your mind to it. READ ON.

Watching the early games Sunday at NBC,

At NBC! Where I work! The NBC! The one you see on the TV! I work there! That’s me! And Rodney Harrison is there, too! AT NBC! US! ME!

…on a day that could be the last full schedule of pro football for a very long time, FOX on one screen was showing Brett Favre looking very old on the sideline of the Detroit-Minnesota game…

I subjected myself to that DET/MIN game yesterday, and let me just say that the people responsible for producing it should be sent to a Hanoi swamp prison. They cut to Favre on the fucking sideline all game. Every available second. Then I had to hear Ron Pitts and John Lynch babble on and on and on about fucking Favre when HE ISN’T EVEN FUCKING PLAYING. And Favre is at the game specifically so that the TV cameras will be on him and so he can be the Sad Baron in the press conference afterwards. GAHHHHHH I HATE YOU!

It’s really over (for Favre) this time, I’m told.

Next week’s column:

“That BP oil spill from last year have harmed certain portions of the Gulf Coast ecosystems, I’m told.”

“John Travolta is gay, I’m told.”

“Jay Leno may not be long for the 10PM slot, I’m told.”

Minnesota coach Leslie Frazier told me before the Vikings left Detroit that there won’t be any more comebacks for Brett Favre. “We won’t see him don another uniform, ever. Anywhere,” he said. “No doubt in my mind whatsoever.”

Promise me, Frazier. PROMISE ME.

Kicker Ryan Longwell, Favre’s best friend on the Vikings, told me the same thing. Longwell also said he was sure that Favre would have come back this year, even if he knew the personal and professional messes that would have ensued. “I’m 100 percent sure that’s the case,” said Longwell.

Then you’re an idiot.

“Outsiders who don’t know him will look at this year and say he wouldn’t have come back, but the life lessons he’s learned this year, on and off the field, are about so much more than football…


…The direction he’s going in now in his life, I know he’s looking forward to being a full-time husband and dad. He’s been at peace all week. He’s looking forward to the rest of his life.”


I expect (Mike) Holmgren to strongly consider Eagles offensive coordinator Marty Mornhinweg as the next (Browns) coach.


/deep breath


Oh, God. Oh, God. I think I might have a stroke. Holy shit, that is too cruel.

The Niners hired (Jim Tomsula) for Mike Nolan’s staff in 2007. “I’m a football coach,” he said last week. “I’m Jim Nobody from Nowhere. I keep my spoon in my soup. I don’t eat anybody else’s soup. I just do my job.”

That’s me. I’m Jim Nobody. Jim Everyman. Jim the Plumber. I keep my spoon in my soup. I tickle myself with feathers like everyone else. I run with both Twinkies tied to my ankles. That’s how I roll.

There’s something to admire about Morgan Cox.

Low hanging fruit, or LOWEST hanging fruit?

Interesting nugget on the Sal Paolantonio/Ron Jaworski/Merrill Hoge NFL Matchup show Sunday morning


Vick, and the Eagles, had better get better at recognizing and evading the outside secondary blitzers. “If they can’t handle it, they’ll be one and done,” Hoge said. Excellent, prescient analysis.

HOGE: If the Eagles get beaten next week the same way they got beaten last week, they will get beaten.

KING: You, sir, are a prophet.


5. Peyton Manning, QB, Indianapolis.

Not one of his best years, but he did pilot a beat-up team to a 4-0 record and 30 points a game in the last month.

They played the Titans twice. Shawn Bradley could hang 30 on the Titans.

But if you wanted to put Matt Cassel or someone else here, I’d understand.

“Here’s my pick. If you think it’s wrong, I understand. Mainly because it’s wrong.”

Thanks to the swell generosity of my employers at NBC, I took nephews Vince and Luke Ranalli to the Winter Classic on Saturday night. We had seats about halfway up on one of the blue lines. They are college students in the Pittsburgh area and they, in turn, took me to their friends’ tailgate, where I learned several things I didn’t know about tailgating…

1. Did you know you can’t go and just take corn from other vehicles? Ross Tucker does this all the time.
g. You tailgate OUTSIDE! In the cold! This is insane. Someone might DIE out here. I hope this proves that a 2014 Super Bowl in Jersey is a rotten idea
IV. Oooh! Utz chips!

By the way, I swear I did not write the following sentence.

There is this strange custom called a “Keg Stand” that all kids evidently do now.

No way! Keg… stands? WHAAA? That sounds kooky. I bet those kids do it with Ugg boots on. More stuff Peter learned with his two boys from Chugalug House:

A. These college kids belong to things called “frats,” which have strange letters hanging outside. Might be Russian.
B. Did you know they sometimes put alcohol in Jello shots? And I here I thought they were just a nice pick-me-up when you had the flu.

You stand next to the keg, put both hands on the side of the keg, have two others lift your legs so that you’re upside down, and, at that point, a third person takes the beer nozzle from the keg and puts it in your mouth while you drink it. A fourth person pumps the keg. And everyone counts the seconds you can last. (Dumb me, I didn’t even know what this thing was, and it’s apparently the most common of drinking games.) I didn’t do it, thankfully.

Oh, come on, Peter! Don’t pussy out on the keg stand! BE A REAL MAN-NUGGET.

But congrats to Brittany, the biggest Sidney Crosby fan there is (who must be all of 102 pounds), who was able to last 24 seconds. Drinking upside-down. What a country.


Ed Werder finally gets his life back.

Oh, so he’s back living in Jason Witten’s closet again?

The ESPN reporter and good friend of mine covered 11 Vikings games because of the Favre factor, and deferred coverage of the rest of the National Football League because he was one of the very few (the only?) reporters Favre communicates with regularly.

ED: Brett, you sent me your penis again.

FAVRE: Dangit! That was supposed to be a picture of mah new tractor!

Think there’s a chemistry between Drew Brees and Reggie Bush?

I don’t know. For you see, chemistry is a mystery, not unlike the strange college ritual known as “boat racing,” which I’m told features no boats of any kind.

Great miking of Tim Tebow on Showtime’s Inside the NFL the other day, from Tebow’s touchdown run against Houston. “There’s only one person that carries the ball right here!” he said to the sidelines.

Mary Magdelene?

k. The maddening Chargers.

l. The interesting Raiders

The fighting Ravens!

The dildoing Vikings!

The toe-blasting Jets!

Not even sure what the 158-yard performance by rookie Joe McKnight means for the Jets, but congrats, kid.

It means I shouldn’t ever hear some fuckface pipe up about how the Jets shouldn’t have cut Danny Woodhead in favor of McKnight ever again. “Think the Jets regret cutting this guy?” NO. Now piss off.

Jeanette Pohlen, how does it feel to have played the best game of your life in the biggest game of your life? Stanford’s Pohlen scored 31 to key the Cardinal’s 71-59 upset of UConn’s record-breaking women’s team.

I like this idea, wherein Peter plays sideline reporter for a game that took place days ago that has no relation to football at all. “Cody Ross, how’s it feel to never have to buy a Clown Shoes in Frisco again?”

A bummer for all Nutmeggers — like me


Good luck in the new marriage, Jim Nantz. You deserve it.


Coffeenerdness: Said it before and I’ll say it again: The dark-roast coffee at Pittsburgh convenience store Sheetz is worth passing by Starbucks for. Almost.


I did have one beer on a very wimpy New Year’s Eve in Pittsburgh — a highly recommended Arrogant Bastard, from California.

How appropriate.

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