Jon Gruden’s Advice For Terrelle Pryor

07.11.11 7 years ago 26 Comments

Jon Gruden: Terrelle Pryor! You kiddin’ me? This guy! This guy’s a football player! No way no how! Get out of here! I’m tellin’ ya!

Terrelle Pryor: Thank you for having me. That’ll be $85.

Jon Gruden: You know something, Terrelle? You know what it’s like to be disrespected? You think people hate you in Columbus? You kidding me? You know who’s hated? I’ll tell you who’s hated.

Terrelle Pryor: Who?

Jon Gruden: Dudley Moore.

Terrelle Pryor: Dudley Moore? What team does he play for?

Jon Gruden: Dudley Moore doesn’t play for a team. He’s one of America’s finest actors. He’s been exploited all his life, and nobody appreciated what he did for cinema. Doesn’t that bother you, Terrelle?

Terrelle Pryor: Should I say yes here?

Jon Gruden: Look at this guy in Arthur. Look at the panache. The savoir-faire. Do you know what savoir-faire is, Troy? It’s when you can do gay shit without looking gay. Prince has it. Elton John has it, and Dudley cotton-pickin’ Moore has it. Look at that guy. Don’t you want to just spread his asscheeks and give ‘im all he can handle?

Terrelle Pryor: Uh…

Jon Gruden: You know who tried to disrepect him the most? Russell Brand. It’s not enough for that guy to nail Katy Perry every night and moonlight as a minotaur, is it? Russell Brand had to go and vandalize Mister Moore’s signature film. How do you disrespect Dudley like that?

Terrelle Pryor: How is this supposed to help me get drafted?

Jon Gruden: Lemme tell you something, Terrelle. THIS GUY is a living legend. I’m not even that upset that he doesn’t return my calls. Legends have earned that right. If you want to be a legend, I suggest you find your own way to stardom, instead of just copying what everyone else has done. Find your own way, Terrelle. And stardom will find you.

Now get up to the board and draw me a seahorse.

Terrelle Pryor: You mean like this?

Jon Gruden: Attababy.

TONY DUNGY: Rodney, I don’t know about you, but it’s nice to see the Jon Gruden character back in action this week. Nothing’s funnier than a former NFL head coach with ridiculous views on issues not pertaining to football.

RODNEY HARRISON: Tony, you’re outta your gotdamned mind. Gruden himself ALREADY IS a walking caricature. The guy just utters the same seven phrases over and over again and never makes any damn sense. He’s like the Gus Johnson Soundboard for white people. And besides, wasn’t this meeting like two or three weeks ago? Why wait on it, and why do anything with it now?

TONY DUNGY: Maybe we could have seen a post on the intricacies of the NFL lockout.

RODNEY HARRISON: Shut the fuck up, Tony.

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