Time and again, Kenny Powers (Danny McBride) proved he was not a complicated man, although, over four seasons on Eastbound and Down (available to stream anytime on HBO Now), he has proven himself to be a number of things. He’s a pitcher, a former wunderkind of Major League Baseball, a substitute teacher, a Jet Ski enthusiast, and above all, he’s a man who loves to win. He freely admits at one point that he hates losing more than he hates cancer. As expected, with a cocksure attitude and the impossibly high expectations he sets for himself, one thing Kenny Powers is definitely not is humble.
In Kenny’s world, there is only Kenny, and there is only Kenny being awesome. Should you find yourself in a position where you question your awesomeness, simply refer to these awesome Kenny Powers quotes to remind you that there’s not always a time or a place to be humble.
“I’m not trying to sound cocky or full of myself, but Kenny Powers has a sneaking suspicion that no matter what comes his way he will always be great. Because that’s just the way sh*t works sometimes.”
Starting off, we not only have a great self-aggrandizing declaration, but it’s a fantastic example of how everything that gets said before the word ‘but’ becomes irrelevant. The fact that he’s listening to himself read his own autobiography, in which he refers to himself in the third person, makes it all the better. When you can be this comfortable with yourself and your own ego, who has time to be humble?
Related: Who Is The Real Kenny Powers?
“Kenny Powers is a man. Kenny Powers is an athlete. Kenny Powers is a lover. But the most he is, I mean, the thing that Kenny Powers is the most, is a goddamn champion.”
For Kenny, being awesome isn’t just about knowing yourself, it’s about making sure that everyone else knows about you, too. After taking a gig teaching PE, he lets the school know exactly how awesome he is via intercom — complete with a bullet-point breakdown of his personality, and what exactly it means to be a winner. If you’re fortunate enough to be born awesome, why not share it with those around you?
“The humongous part about being a celebrity is cashing in on it — making sh*tloads of money, having expensive, luxurious things. That way, in case one day you’re not famous, you can still be rich as hell and better than everyone around you.”
A lot of Kenny Powers seems to be nothing but a bunch of impulsive, childish rants delivered by an egomaniac. And while all of that is true, he did have a little bit of foresight about his future when writing his autobiography. Kenny always seemed aware that his fame would someday start to deteriorate, and he talked like he’d planned for the worst. Of course, he didn’t, but this could be where you actually do one better than Kenny and plan for the future while you still can, especially if it involves buying up luxurious things.
“Fundamentals are a crutch for the talentless.”
When you’re blessed with natural ability (and a fine-assed head of hair), you can leave the practice field for everyone else. For a little while, at least.
“No offense, but… You got a sh*tty job, you’re not quite as tall as me, nobody really respects you. Now, me on the other hand, I got the glory.”
As Kenny prepares for what he thinks is going to be his triumphant return to the majors, he takes time to reflect over his brief time as a substitute gym teacher. He even concedes victory to Cutler (Andrew Daly), realizing that despite everything he’s had in life, he still didn’t have April (Katy Mixon), the woman he loved. It’s the closest Kenny might ever get to being humble, although it’s more like him admitting that being humble is a human condition that exists. Also, don’t ever be afraid to use your height to your advantage.
“Just like in life, all of my successes depend on me. I’m the man who has the ball. I’m the man who can throw it faster than f*ck. So, that is why I’m better than everyone in the world. Kiss my ass and suck my d*ck, everyone.”
Perhaps the quote that best sums up Kenny’s philosophy on life, having both the ball and the ability to throw it “faster than f*ck” gave him both a career and celebrity status. Kenny simply wasn’t satisfied with the fame and notoriety that being a major league star pitcher afforded him, though. Instead, he took all of those things, put them together, and parlayed it into a lifestyle. That lifestyle, quite simply, didn’t have room for being humble. In fact, it only had room for one thing, and that is Kenny F*cking Powers.
“You want me to make some noise? Then noise you shall see.”
If you’re ever given an opportunity to showcase just how awesome you are, preferably in front of a large crowd, look no further than Kenny Powers when it comes to making a big entrance. Just remember, the balloons, the fireworks, and the music, they’re all there to highlight you, because you’re just too awesome to be humble right now.