KSK 2009 NFL Prekkake: NFC East

08.28.09 8 years ago 68 Comments

It’s that time of year again, when we’re so devoid of content that, rather than spending time covering Cutler’s attempt to make nice, we run through our predictably inaccurate prognostications for the upcoming year, division by division. Up next, it’s the NFC East, where every fan expects to go to the Super Bowl every year.

Dallas Cowboys

Five Fast Facts About Dem Cowboys:

• You haven’t seen Debbie Does Dallas until you’ve seen the remastered Blu-Ray on a $40 million television.
• The Cowboys currently have five players on their roster who attended directional Illinois colleges, yet there’s not a Saluki in the bunch. They have two from Northern Illinois, one from Western Illinois, and one from Eastern Illinois (the Harvard of directional Illinois colleges). Of course that list doesn’t even include Alan Ball who attended Neutral Illinois aka “Illinois Classic”.
• Wade Phillips is being forced to work for free this year after eating $1.5 million in pizza since the new stadium opened.
• Martellus Bennett isn’t from Jupiter, he’s from Lovetron.

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 9 wins

Verdict: UNDER

The Cowboys have gone 9-7 in three of the last four years, so betting the push might not be the worst idea. But screw it, this is the year of the great Cowboy collapse and I’m getting in on the ground floor. Jason Witten is going to be blanketed by opposing defenses, especially if Roy Williams is out for an extended period.

New York Giants

Five Fast Facts About the G-Men:

• Steve Smith is probably the best wide receiver on the team coming into the season, and that is hilarious. He isn’t as talented as his namesake in Carolina, but he is almost as short.
• Osi Umenyiora wants to take a dump on opposing quarterbacks. Figuratively.
• Growing up in Alabama Justin Tuck was a fan of the San Francisco 49ers and the Dallas Cowboys. [throws book at Justin Tuck]
• Eli Manning isn’t the same quarterback when he doesn’t get his mid-morning nap.
• Jeff Feagles has never had a punt blocked. Jeff Feagles has never had a punt blocked. Jeff Feagles has never had a punt blocked. Jeff Feagles has never had a punt blocked. Okay, now that we got that out of the way how about shutting the fuck up every time he drags his old ass onto the field?

Vegas Over/Under for 2009:10 wins

Verdict: UNDER. Both the offensive and defensive lines are great, although the latter has been a bit banged up through training camp. The real problem for them will be the lack of playmakers surrounding Eli Manning. The secondary is able to play an aggressive style thanks to a dominant pass rush, however they’re young and largely unproven. Oh, and Aaron Ross is a big bag of suck.

Three of them are men.

Washington Redskins

Five Fast Facts About the Skins:

• 25% of all Redskins fans at FedEx Field believe that Chief Zee is a real Indian chief.
• The same percentage also thinks that Colt Brennan can be an effective NFL quarterback.
• With Colt struggling a bit this preseason some fans have shifted their allegiance to 5’8″ undrafted free agent Chase Daniel. Because they’re idiots, you see.
• Vinny Cerrato owns seven cats, and zero sharks.
• When I have a kid I want him to grow up to be Ethan Albright. Not because I want a tall goofy ginger for a son, but because the guy has been in the NFL for 15 years all on the strength of his ability to snap a ball a few times a game.

Vegas Over/Under for 2009: 8 wins

Verdict: OVER. 8 wins? Choke on my balls, Vegas. One of the best defenses in the league returns just about everybody and they added Albert Haynesworth and Brian Orakpo. Have you seen Orakpo? He’s like Predator in a jersey. Fuck. I totally forgot that Chris Horton already goes by Predator. I fail.


Well I guess that explains the fourth quarter vomiting.

Philadelphia Eagles

Five Fast Facts About the Iggles:

• King Dunlap will eventually retire to begin his second career as a tire salesman.
• Ellis Hobbs is really an inanimate stuffed tiger unless Kevin Curtis is talking to him*.
• If you call LeSean McCoy “The Real” then you probably suck.
• Sav Rocca is going to put some serious dents in Jerry’s big TV.
• I’ve had a rough night, and I hate the fucking Eagles, man.

*H/T to Ape

Vegas Over/Under for 2009:9.5 wins

Verdict: OVER The defense lost their architect in Jim Johnson, their leader in Brian Dawkins, and their anchor in Stewart Bradley. Pssh, defense is overrated and this offense can carry any team to the playoffs. That being said, Andy Reid will find a way to fuck this up. Hell, he already started last night. Listen, Mike Vick is a backup quarterback. So stop fucking around and making Donovan McNabb share the field with him. Let Mike Vick get to the point where he can run the second team offense comfortably, then start fucking around with your oh so clever gimmick plays. Otherwise you’re just taking meaningful reps away from the first team offense that you’re going to lean on all year to outscore opponents.

God damn, I’m glad I don’t like this team.

Eagles image via Flickr.

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