KSK 2012 NFL Prekkake: San Diego Chargers

08.30.12 5 years ago 36 Comments

Whereas the typical Chargers M.O. under Norv Turner has been to stumble out of the gates only to rally late for a playoff spot set aside for them because they’ve been the only halfway decent team in their division for some time now, in 2011 San Diego started 4-1, only to lose six straight. Their Week 17 victory over the Raiders also enabled the Broncos to win the division when everyone knows that winning the AFC West at 8-8 then getting a first-round playoff victory is totally San Diego’s thing.

Five Fast Facts About The Chargers:

– Antonio Gates claims he feels healthy at last after losing five whole pounds over the off-season. UPDATE: Oop. He had a big lunch. He’s back at 260 now.

– Nate Kaeding is the league’s first albino placekicking mule.

– Roscoe Parrish was cut by the Chargers on Tuesday and signed by the Raiders hours later. When he returns multiple punts for touchdowns this season against San Diego, A.J. Smith will be sure to have explanatory Art of War quotes at the ready.

– Charlie Whitehurst regrets that he left the Chargers to be useless elsewhere. It’s much more pleasant to be useless in San Diego.

– San Diego had advanced Starbucks vending machine technology at their training camp. Peter King says that’s worth at least two wins, unless it isn’t.

Notable acquisitions Robert Meachem, Eddie Royal, Melvin Ingram, Jarret Johnson, Ronnie Brown, Atari Bigby, Charlie Whitehurst, Le’Ron McClain

Notable departures: Vincent Jackson, Mike Tolbert, Marcus McNeill, Luis Castillo, Billy Volek

Vegas win total over/under: 9 wins

KSK verdict: UNDER

Fantasy player you’ll want to dig at with rusty hooks: Ryan Mathews

Despite fumbling issues and the fact he never really looked all that impressive during his first two seasons, fans got assurances that Mathews would be getting workhorse back number of touches in the 2012 season. The odds of him surviving the increased workload don’t look great given Mathews barely got into the preseason before he broke his clavicle and will likely either miss the first two games or see so little action that you’re better off not trying to start him. Meanwhile, Mathews’ handcuff is Ronnie Brown, who knows a thing or two about durability issues himself.

Fan forecast, by high commander of the super soldiers, King Laserface:

I had a foolproof plan.

The perfect way to finally rid myself of Scroteface Norval, The Puttydick Human Sinkhole. I fake a shoulder injury, I play like ass for a while, we tank and miss the playoffs for the second season in a row. The team has no choice but to send Norv packing back to The Island Of Misshapen People, or wherever football nightmare he’s from. I don’t give a shit.

There was one thing I neglected to take into account: I thought the Chargers could actually choose to do right. Stupid don’t choose to do things. Stupid is just propelled by whatever forces happen to be playing on it that day. Maybe the team was actually gonna fire him, but Norval showed up with dick-stroking gloves on and all of a sudden he’s coach for another 20 years.

Rest assured, I’m gonna play like my usual greatest of all-time self again this year. No reason to deny the world my talents. That would be wrong. Like stealing God’s miracles or bringing Democrat babies to term. Put me down for 6,000 yards and 60 touchdowns, in case any of fantasy fags wanna get up on my virtual stat peen. You’ll be condemned to hell for idolatry, but you’ll win some pointless shit and it’s important for sinners to feel like winners before spending an eternity in the hellfire.

Don’t worry, though. For all my magnificence, the Chargers as a whole are doomed because of take your pick of the following: our traditional spread-assed defense, fumble slut Ryan Buttchews or NORV. NORV NORV NORV. HE WILL NEVER ALLOW US TO BE GOOD. I COMMIT MYSELF TO THE LORD’S SERVICE AND HE DOES THIS? SINCE WHEN DOES THE LORD TEST PEOPLE?

So I have to look forward to another season of my beautiful arcing majestic floats being wasted in losing “efforts”. I’m used to it by now. What burns my ass right now is that I threw my titanic supply of political capital behind Child Molester Vest Santorum and he still managed to screw it up. So now God’s Country is fucked, too. Norv must double as his campaign manager. Come November, we might elect a Mormon to the presidency. I ain’t never asked him, but I’m sure Kate No-ding, our dipshit kicker, is a Mormon. He sure looks like one.

So Mitt Romney will basically be the Nate Kaeding of presidents. Y’alls. Are. Dicked. In. The. Mouth. Not me, I got a little autonomous abstinence retreat I can fall back on whether the black Muslim or the Mormon haircut wins. I’m all set, folks.

Except for in football, where I’m doomed to suffer for all times or until I can force a trade.


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