KSK 2012 NFL Prekkake: Tennessee Titans

09.04.12 5 years ago 12 Comments

The Titans showed initial promise under Mike Munchak’s campaign of dressing nice and not giving sassback to your elders. Tennessee got off to a 3-1 start last season before settling right around the .500 mark for the rest of the season. Even though Tennessee had taken Jake Locker in the draft a year before, the team courted Peyton Manning aggressively in free agency, even going as far as to offer him a “contract for life“. Clay Travis reported that Peyton to the Titans was a done deal, so of course he signed with the Broncos soon after. Anyway, Jake Locker’s their starter now.

Five Fast Facts About the Titans:

– Jared Cook is an inveterate pen thief. And he acts like it’s nothing. Seriously, some people like the pens they have. Dick.

– Bud Adams has a standing offer of $25 million per year to any of Eli’s or Peyton’s children to start at any age.

– Mike Munchak doesn’t care what your record is so long as you can tie a half-Windsor knot.

– Alterraun Verner is named for that planet that got asploded.

– Chris Johnson has never actually fled the cops, but he has run like hell to catch some food trucks.

Notable acquisitions: Kendall Wright, Steve Hutchinson, Kamerion Wimbley

Notable departures: Cortland Finnegan, Chris Hope, Jake Scott, Jason Jones

Vegas win total over/under: 7 wins

KSK verdict: PUSH

Fantasy player you’ll want to dig at with rusty hooks: Kenny Britt

Kenny Britt is one of the most infuriating players in fantasy football. He’s not dependable enough, either from a production or character standpoint, for you to want to start every week. That means he WILL have one or two weeks where he goes for 200 yards and a score while on your bench. He might string together a few strong performances in a row. Just when you think about having confidence in him, he gets busted for a DUI or gets hurt. Oh, and he’s already suspended for Week 1. Kenny Britt is the worst.

Fan forecast, by stadiumjourney.com correspondent, Josh Adams:

It’s time for another exciting season of Titans football!

Jesus, what a bland team that plays in a bland stadium in a bland city in a bland state. Let’s start with a little history about the Oilers/Titans franchise: The owner, “Chief” Bud Adams held the city of Houston hostage to spruce up the Astrodome with fancy, nancy AstroTurf and some club boxes. After getting the demands, he promised Houston 10 more years of exciting Oilers football. But I guess Houston got a little too cosmopolitan for Bud. Panera Breads scared him, as he has ate every sandwich on Texas toast for his entire life.

Then Bud hatched a plan. What little city could he manipulate to get a sweet little deal for his perennially mediocre franchise? Where could he move where his bolo ties would still be fashionably accepted? Nashville! After contacting the mayor and after a secret meeting at the Grand Ole Opry where Bud negotiated his deal to include a handy from Minnie Pearl, he bid so long fancy Houston (after only eight years after the stadium improvements) and with that Goodbye Astrodome, Hello Gypsy Tennessee Oilers!

Fast forward the first few years during the Oilers gypsy movement around the state of Tennessee, a “blue ribbon” panel changing the franchise name to the Titans and putting an upside down klan hood on their football helmets. A few glory years happened. No Super Bowl, but steady winning. Now the most popular player in that Titans era history is dead, shot by his batshit crazy waitress side piece. Bud’s personal draft pick, Vince Young played coy about suicide, but his attempt at a self inflicted gunshot was hampered by his unorthodox way he holds a gun. Which brings us to the Titans newest QB savior, Jake Locker.

One thing you cannot question about Jake Locker is his decision making skills. Take the decision to stay at Washington for his senior year. Locker was a projected top 3 pick after his junior campaign. He rejected the NFL to play for the 5-7 Huskies in his senior league. Fuck him for that. Millions of dollars thrown away just so you could play Washington St in the Apple Cup Jake? Of course his stats went down the shithole his senior year, and a really average Nebraska team held him to 2 for 20 and 5 for 16 in passing in the two games they played. Clue to all Titans opponents this year, sign an all 2011 Nebraska secondary for that week. The Titans do have solid receivers with Kenny Brittle (Injured, arrested and suspended, the trifecta offseason!) and Nate Washington. Who could forget Chris Johnson, who wouldn’t draft himself on his own fantasy team (Fun Fact: His fantasy team’s name? Nashville Pussyriot) in the backfield. The Titans defense is as generic and anonymous as a few Hydrox cookies that just sit there next to the coffee in the waiting room at Jiffy Lube.

Prediction: 8-8 because it’s boring, as boring as the Titans. Time for new uniforms, a new owner and a name change. The Titans, like most franchises located in SEC states will never be as huge as the state college team. That’s sure as shit not going to change anytime soon when you have the most vanilla ice milk team in the NFL. Get kidnapped or something, Titans! Be more interesting!

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