KSK Mock Draft: Teen Stars You Would Sponsor In Hunger Games

03.23.12 6 years ago 114 Comments

We are drafting current or former teen stars (film/television/music) that you would like to nominate for Celebrity Hunger Games. The goal is to give yourself the best chance at fielding the competition’s lone survivor. We will go two rounds, during which each participant must draft a male and female to take part. Please feel free to do the same in the comments.

The draft order is as follows.

1. Flubby
2. Unsilent Majority
3. Captain Caveman
4. Christmas Ape
5. Big Daddy Drew

1. Flubby – Matt Dillon


Dally Winston would kick your fruity little tournament’s ass.

2. UM – River Phoenix


Young Indy seems like he could handle himself, and he probably wouldn’t have a problem going to some pretty dark places.

3. CC – Christian Bale

He grew up to be Batman!

4. Ape – Chloe Moretz


I imagine Hit Girl would do all right.

5. BDD – Tom Cruise


First round recap: Flubby comes strong out of the gate with a no-brainer. Matt Dillon was a mean kid. CC immediately rips my pick of Phoenix, arguing that my pick failed to survive his youth without people trying to kill him. As long as there is not heroin in Hunger Games I should have a chance. Matt then takes Christian Bale, leaving Ape free to take Matt’s secret underage girlfriend. Drew wraps up the round with Tom Cruise, based on his role in Taps I assume.

6. BDD – Mia Sara


“I want to kill the unicorn.”

7. Ape – Jaden Smith


He has, like, a few weeks of kung fu training. Plus his dad will totally rig it so he wins.

8. CC – Lindsay Lohan.

As we’ve seen, she cannot be killed.

9. UM – Brooke Shields

She will distract everyone with her constant teenage nudity. Then POW!

10. Flubby – Chiaki Kuriyama

Second round recap: Drew starts off the second round with his first round pick’s co-star from Legend. Synergy! Ape gets Jaden, who should excel in hand-to-hand combat, if it comes to that, while CC goes in an unexpected direction with the star of Mean Girls. She may not be able to kill anyone, but she can definitely make them feel bad about themselves. I took Shields because…I don’t really know. But hey, she used to get naked a lot, and that’s something. Flubby wraps things up with the draft’s best pick. Not only was Kuriyama a badass in Kill Bill, she was one of the contestants in Battle Royale, which these people can tell you all about.

I am left with little choice but to declare Flubby the winner of this exercise. Between that and Louisville’s win over Michigan State, he’s having a pretty good run.

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