KSK Sex & Fantasy Mailbag: House Parties and Being Arty, Replacement Ufford Edition

12.28.13 4 years ago 21 Comments

Full discretion: Matt is off this week, so you’re stuck with rookie KSK Kontributor Trevor Risk. That may create some groans and skepticism from some of you noble followers (what do you call yourselves? The Matt Pack?), but hopefully you have enough mulled wine left over from your holiday that you’re too numb to really get that riled up about it. On to the questions!

Hey Matt,

See above. Not Matt. But, yeah “hey” to you.

Fantasy season’s over, but I did win my league’s championship, for the first time in recent memory. Question, though: Should one ever feel sheepish about winning?

I thought winning was the general idea.

In the semifinals, I had a lower score than the loser of the other matchup, and I won the final 69-67 (ESPN standard scoring),

Meh. In my consolation round I set the league’s scoring record because: Jamaal Charles. It didn’t mean I won anything.

only because my running back situation was such shit that I just rolled out a Joique Bell/Reggie Bush tandem and got extremely fortunate with Bell scoring 21. My inclination is no — I didn’t get lucky in making the playoffs, I led the league in scoring — but I had incredibly shitty weeks once I got there. And either way, I won a decent chunk of money.

You had a good year, you won the championship and a buttload of money, but you have winner’s guilt. As long as the other members of the league can PayPal or Dogecoin or whatever the winnings to you and you don’t have to knock on their door and look them in the eye, and take their money physically from them while their 4 year old son asks why there’s no money for Christmas this year, I’d say you should be doing some sort of butt wiggling dance to your favorite song every single morning for a week.

Sex-wise. I’m 22, and in my first year of graduate school and working full-time. At a house party recently, I hooked up with a 19-year-old college sophomore.

AT the house party? Kidding aside, unless it was some depraved “on the pool table in front of other people”, then good work.

I’d never hooked up with anyone younger than me before (and I was considerably drunker, so I don’t feel like I took advantage of anyone), but part of me feels like it was too easy. Now, it’s obviously not that easy, I’m not going to parties on a regular basis and hooking up with 19-year-olds, but as I was working the situation, I felt a significant edge in the power dynamic, which I’d never had before. This is normal, right — I mean, I assume there’s a reason the guy is almost always older in a relationship, if there’s an age difference? The trouble is — and again, I hate to sound like I’m talking from a notch-on-the-bedpost perspective — I don’t feel nearly as proud of myself as I ordinarily would when my friends pat me on the back after the fact. Now that I have six or seven months of experience as something closer to a “real person,” I’d much, much rather find someone who’s also out of undergrad, even if it’s only a one-time thing.


You remember in high school when if you dated a grade below yourself that you felt mildly ashamed, as if you were so desperate you couldn’t find someone in your EXACT age bracket? The early stages of one’s twenties are also like that, and it’s ridiculous to feel that way once you become and adult. And yes, I get that most college students don’t act or feel like adults, but most of you have the skill set and the responsibilities of them. If she’s not below your state’s statutory line, you shouldn’t feel bad about a three year age gap. Hell, if I were to hook up with someone just three years my junior, I’d probably get a pat on the back for not being sleazy. The age difference means less as you get older, so right now it’s mostly in your head.

As for having the edge in power, someone always does in a relationship, even if it’s only a one-time hookup. I’m sure you’ve been in situations where the other person has you by the scrotum (metaphorically?), and maybe you even like that, but no relationship is ever equal in the power department.

Something you have to consider though is how to treat this girl from now on. I’m assuming you may see her around, or people at the party knew what was going on, and as a college student, you need to recognize that every hookup is part of your future and potential sexual life. Think about the way we speak about casual sex in society. Soupy Sales or some old timey comedian used to say, “Men don’t have sex. Women have sex and men have to get it from them.” Men “get some” or “got laid” but we describe women as “putting out” or “giving it up”, and that’s an unfair stigma. This 19 year old right now is most likely feeling like she gave something up, and has a small amount of shame and you need to make sure you are still cool with her. Not just because of her feelings, but because if she feels enough shame, she will run your name through the mud. If it was just a one time boning, you should still let her know how fun it was, and if you see her across a room, don’t avoid her. Women talk about these things A LOT, and if your reputation is one of the cool guy who is fun in bed, your sex life will eventually blossom like you wouldn’t believe.

How does one responsibly talk themselves out of drafting a player from their favorite team? In four leagues this season, I drafted RG3 three times as well as drafting Alfred Morris and Santana Moss, (operating under the assumption that RG3 and Alfred Morris would enjoy continued success and that Santana would flourish in the slot) and I think even Roy Helu, and I just caught myself thinking “You know, Jordan Reed might be a good option for TE next year.” Suffice it to say, I finished last in three out of my four leagues.


This might not be a popular opinion, but I say go ahead and draft your favorites from your rooting interest. It makes it so much more satisfying when you win. This year when Jamaal Charles and the Chiefs defense were winning me lots of games, I was thrilled for the real life win, and the spire on the building was beating some guy at fantasy. It’s sort of similar as to why I don’t bet on individual games. If I thought the Broncos were going to win, I’d bet on them, and then I’d have to root for them, and I don’t want to. I want them to lose every game by 56 points, and for horrific injuries to happen on every play.

Good afternoon,

Football: Last week you mentioned it was a bit early to discuss keepers, so I apologize but my questions pertain to them. First, do you have an offseason schedule for Keepers? When will you be starting up again if not?

Well, that’s a Matt question, and I’m not Matt. I was thinking of becoming Matt for a while, but then there’d be too many Matts.

I also have to pick a keeper for next year. Our league sacrifices a pick for the drafted round and under no circumstances can someone be kept in consecutive years. I’ve narrowed it down to Jimmy Graham in the 3rd. Or Zac Stacy off waivers (last round sacrifice). I’m leaning towards Zac but I was burned on Trent Richardson last year in his sophomore slump and Jimmy is the clear #1 TE. Your input would be greatly appreciated.

Ugh. Here’s a story of one of my fantasy leagues this year: I joined up with this group of guys, one of whom I work with from across the continent, but have never met in real life. Some other guy quit the league halfway through last year and I was asked to run his team so that team’s opponents didn’t receive an unfair bye week. I managed it with a certain amount of care, and thought that was it. In the offseason he asked if I wanted to keep going, and because this guy became a friend and I liked our working relationship, I agreed. I did not know it was a keeper league though. So here I am, stuck with a team that was so bad that another man left it to die, and everyone is keeping all their best players. It was rough. But it was made far rougher when I decided it would be a good idea to keep Danny Amendola and not Jimmy Graham. I thought Graham would have a hammock year, and his injuries would get to him. This is a wrong way to think. Jimmy Graham is a man amongst boys out there. Stacy is a running back, and those guys don’t last more than a year sometimes. Graham is looking to set the TE TD record this weekend. Think about that.

Relationship: I got married recently and have had a great rapport with her family for the three years we dated but it’s been a stressful year (engagement, new dog, new house, wedding, new job) and I may have made a mistake. Her parents stayed with us for a full week, and then 2 weeks later her mother and grandmother came for the weekend, and the 2 weeks after that her parents came for a weekend again.

I’m going to guess than none of these were your ideas.

In the off weekends, we were taking care of all the chores that had been neglected, so given my 7-7 job, cooking every night, up at 6 with the animals, I had really no downtime for a month and a half.

That last weekend they were there I was admittedly a bit stand offish on Saturday morning (reading at my computer with coffee) and they perceived it as me not wanting them there so they left at noon instead of staying through Sunday as planned. While half true (I wanted some relaxing time with my wife after recently being married) it had nothing to do with them and I just wanted a bit of a reprieve.

Now little things are happening. She mentioned that her mother believes I think they spend too much time on the phone together. This is not true; I think their strong relationship is fantastic. She also decided instead of spending Friday-Sunday with them for a little post Christmas celebration that she just wants to go up Sat AM and come back Sat PM, among other little things. I never meant for my actions to cause a divide, I do enjoy her parents company but despite my best efforts to explain how I feel, she doesn’t seem to believe me.

While I truly appreciate her trying to accommodate my feelings, I can’t stress how important I think it is for her to maintain her strong relationship with her family. Any suggestions on how I can explain to her that I was truly just stressed out after that month and a half and all I wanted was to spend some quality time with her?

Unnecessary Details Galore

People need time alone. I’d go so far as to say that if a person can’t spend time alone, that they need to do some serious work on their psyche and social life. I believe that there are three sides to every story (not unlike the album by popular band Extreme); that there is one side, the other side, and the truth in the middle somewhere. But because your wife didn’t write in, I’m going to take your story as the truth and try to offer some insight.
If you are housing an extended family, and enough animals that your clothes are probably made of lint brush material, I think it’s ridiculous for any of these people to act put out by you just sitting and drinking coffee while reading the contemporary equivalent of the newspaper. I remember a time when my old man would do that on Saturday mornings, and we all let him relax. In fact, I would brave the cold in the winter to go get him that damn paper, because he deserved it. Don’t fall into this culture of being a beta male. It’s bad for morale.

P.S. When people found out I was engaged, for every “OH, THE OLD BALL AND CHAIN” joke, I had 10 people tell me it was the best decision they ever made. That was unexpected, and pleasant.

Clichéd jokes deserve smacks in the face. I recently decided that my tombstone was going to read “Trevor Risk: Hated clichés. Also, marched to the beat of his own drum”, which I thought was the cleverest until my friend Kevin posted his on Twitter.

Ahoyhoy, Captain:

I COULD be a captain. You don’t know. Whatever. I’ll take it.

First-year Fantasy player here. I’m in the Championship Game and am unsure whether to start Stafford @MIN or Smith @SD. Earlier this year, this would have been an embarrassment of riches, but now Stafford’s just an embarrassment. Yes, the Lions are out but they’re indoors at the even-more hapless Vikings. The Chiefs are sitting Charles, and have clinched, so I don’t know how effective Smith will need to be.

As I came out of the closet earlier in this mailbag as a Chiefs fancier, I feel obliged to tell you to stay away from Smith. Chiefs have clinched, so Smith might not even really be in the whole game, and considering his numbers aren’t usually that great, one half of Smith will probably score you about 5 points. Take the plunge and start Stafford.

I’m in one of those ESPN two-week playoff games, and was screwed by Forte and Jeffery last week (TRESTMAN!!!), so every point counts.

Ufford hates on crazy point systems, and congruently I can’t stand two week rounds. Aggregate? Anything soccer related can eat a bag of dead crickets. Gross.

Thanks, and I miss Keepers already,

I haven’t seen this “Keepers” thing you’re all asking about. Is it any good?


If I had to rate my depth of football knowledge on a scale of one to ten it would be “Taco”

Well put me down for a gross of pee bibs in that case.

but I want to impress a girl. I like a girl that’s in an all girls fantasy league.

With sexy results?

As far as I can tell they’re all terrible at it and have their boyfriends do everything.

Well this is a reductive assumption, and one that most women feel men are thinking. Way to put it into public words!

Without knowing any of the actual details about her team, what are some just general things I can casually suggest she do, or even just say about fantasy football so that she thinks “Oh this masculine man is an expert on this masculine pastime. Clearly he will be able to protect any offspring I might bare.”

I’m partial to “don’t tinker”. It suggests that you’ve had experience in fantasy football, but also that you’re mildly superstitious without being some crystal-gripping zodiac fiend. Ask her if it’s a point-per-reception league, and if it is then suggest she move away from drafting running backs in a high round, as they usually do backfield by committee at this point in the NFL. These are all remedial concepts, but if she thinks you’re just some artistic guy who watches too much Kids In The Hall, then the watermark is low for your football knowledge and this should impress her a little bit.

Or, should I ditch this approach altogether and just be myself and talk about Batman a lot?

Oh yeah, do that actually. If she likes you already, she probably likes you for your current personality. Batman is great. Just don’t be one of those people who interrupt conversations with non-sequiturs about Batman. These people exist, and sometimes their friends don’t want to hang out with them because of it.


Did it ever occur to you that you had readers with limited interest in football that just like advice columns and pictures of millionaires in spandex with funny captions?

I’ve had friends who do nothing but play in bands and watch UCB-style comedy, who have no interest or knowledge of football, tell me that they read the site in its entirety. I vaguely remember some of the writers for 30 Rock saying they were fans, but that was before my time.

Thanks for your help!

– A Giant Seven-Year-Old

I immediately picture you as this:

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