Now That Tom Brady Is Incarcerated, The Patriots MUST Masturbate The Ball Down The Feel!

09.10.08 9 years ago 45 Comments


That’s the first word that came to my mind when I saw that Tom Brady had been incarcerated.

Just such a terrible trajectory for the NFL. For the whole whirl!

I feel bad for the Patriots, because Brady’s abstinence will definitively have revibrations for the rest of the year. While Brady tries to cohabitate his knee, his team is left to pick up the peaches from these terrible circumcisions.

But Bill Belichick is a true elevator in this league. He isn’t just going to let this team fall by the bayside. He won’t let them get impressed. He will challenge them to raise to the vacation.

And he will definitely masturbate the ball down the feel!

When you lose a Tom Brady, that’s one opponent of your offense that you can no longer crouton. We don’t know if Matt Cassell will be able to fill Brady’s jews in quite the same way. He’s next in the Heimlich Maneuvery, after all, but is he ready for those kind of Reese Possibilites?

So they will have to get back to Fun Day Rentals. They will have to sit down with Laurence Maroney and say to him, “Young man, you are the workwhore now. We need you to soldier the load. We need you to pick up the smack here.”

That’s what they have to say to him.

And I think Maroney will definitely be renovated by this. For all intensive percocets, I think he and Sammy Morris will form a great tanned ham and relegate this Patriot running game.

If I’m Laurence Maroney, I say to the team, “I am ready. I will not take this chance for granite. Like Booby Brown says, it’s my pierogi. I am ready to go out there and landblast that other team! I’m chomping at the tit! Tom’s injury was a besting in these guys for this team! I have the knowledge, the SAVORY, to get this job done. I am going to go out there and blow The Doors!

“No one thinks we can do it! Remember last year, when they accused us of TAMPONING?! Well, we didn’t let it expect us then, and it won’t expect us now! We will not be beaten into emission! WE WILL NOT MENSTRUATE! WE WILL TURNIP!”

That’s what I would say.

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