Oregon Police Had To Rescue A Naked, Drunk Masturbator Who Fell Into A River

News & Culture Writer
08.05.14 5 Comments

Oregon City Police Department

31-year-old Ernest Michael Kirk, ladies and gentlemen! Oregon City Police Department received complaints of a naked man who was apparently masturbating in public near a cliff bank of the Willamette River and arrived to find this charmer, who was conveniently also wanted for a parole violation.

Police officers saw Kirk naked and sitting on the edge of the cliff bank about 75 feet below. He was just a few feet from the water, and police said he appeared to be under the influence of some type of controlled substance. Kirk continued to masturbate in front of police officers on scene for several minutes, while they requested assistance from the Clackamas County Sheriff’s Office Marine Unit.

As OCPD and CCSO officials used a sheriff’s boat to contact Kirk, he fell into the river and was rescued by the officers and deputies on scene. Kirk was pulled onto the boat and taken to a Portland area hospital for medical evaluation. When he was released from the hospital, Aug. 4 at about 12:12 p.m., Kirk was arrested.

That’s all some pretty embarrassing stuff. But what might be the most embarrassing of all, is that here’s his full mugshot and the poor guy bears more than a passing resemblance to Jason Biggs — if Jason Biggs had really bad face tattoos, anyway.


Oregon City Police Department


(Via The Portland Tribune)

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