Peter King Is Amazed By His Barista

01.16.12 6 years ago 108 Comments

When we last left professional cricket sideline reporter Peter King, he was reporting on things that Adam Schefter had reported on, marveling over naked homeless women breastfeeding on the subway, and paying tribute to the drafting prowess of Josh McDaniels. Oh, people of Denver: This wonderful man gave you what will be three wasted years trying to develop an option QB, AND he drafted Knowshon Moreno. STILL HATE HIM, YOU BITTER BOULDERITES?

So what about this week? Where is the grass slipperier today? Did Peter finally see Moneyball? And will Seattle finally get around to fixing the barista problem in New York? Don’t know how you fix this, Seattle, mostly because you are just a collection of people and you have nothing to do with the employee training at coffee franchises in an entirely different city. READ ON. You’re either gonna love this Fun with Peter King, or you’re gonna nap through it!

Here are two questions for you to start your Championship Week:

1. Which sports commissioner was “seeing red” when he was told that a certain SI reporter was watching him drink beers with DeMaurice Smith at the Radisson hotel bar?

2. Didn’t see “The Office” last week. Any good?

It takes a big story to throw the 49ers off the front page of Monday Morning Quarterback today…

But it’s not every day that you go on the kind of fishing trip that Jack Bowers and I went on. Let me show you some slides of the cabin we stayed in. They say that our place at Deep Creek was once used to house slaves during the Civil War. COMPELLING.

FOX counted eight Green Bay drops; I counted six.

I never thought I’d trust FOX as a source of information more than another entity, but here we are. Eight it is.

Non-playoff team bonus noteworthy event: Jeff Fisher didn’t choose against Miami as much as he chose St. Louis.

It’s a little early for our Peter King Butchered Sentence Of the Week, but how do you top that? It has everything: a colon, reverse logic, the idea that the second part of that sentence is somehow “noteworthy”… You’re telling me that Jeff Fisher picked the Rams because he picked the Rams? CRAZY.

If you sat open-mouthed when Alex Smith made that touchdown run, read this… he play I’ll never forget is that weird Alex Smith bootleg called by offensive coordinator Greg Roman.

SO WEIRD. Thank God I read that. I remember watching that play and being like, “HOLY SHIT! WHAT A FUCKING AWESOME PLAY! I HOPE PETER CALLS IT WEIRD TWO DAYS FROM NOW!”

Now for some full disclosure.

I gots the herps.

Weird harmonic convergence of sorts in the last couple of weeks.

Even weirder than a naked bootleg! In fact, you can use “weird” in virtually any circumstance and it works! It’s so WEIRD how good this salad is! You’re here on time, Jim! WEIRD! We’re all out of WEIRD pudding!

Let me explain.

My agent for television negotiations is a lawyer from California named Marvin Demoff, who has represented many high-profile players and coaches over the years. His son, Kevin Demoff, is the executive vice president of football operations and chief operations officer of the St. Louis Rams. I’ve known Kevin, through Marvin, since he was in college.

Instead of a proper graduation gift, I mentioned him in my column! Good gift. LOFTY GIFT.

Marvin Demoff is also the agent for Jeff Fisher, who is in the process of agreeing to terms on a contract to coach the Rams. Last week, Fisher was torn between the Rams and the Dolphins when making a final decision about where he wanted to coach in 2011 and beyond, and he chose the Rams, and I’m sure many people in the football business, and fans smart enough to see what was going on, thought: Of course Fisher went to St. Louis. Marvin Demoff is taking care of his son.

Now, full disclosure: Jeff Fisher and I share an agent. Now, allow me to explain to you why I’m the best person to explain how there couldn’t possibly be a conflict of interest here.


If you feel I’m incapable of being straight down the middle in covering the Fisher story, I understand.

If you feel like I’m completely full of shit, I understand. NOW HERE’S A BIG LOAD OF SHIT.

I wouldn’t try to convince you otherwise.

Except in the next eight paragraphs.

The larger story, though, seems to me to be the inference I’ve heard in some circles that the fix was in with Fisher and the two Demoffs. I spoke to Fisher last night about it. I’m not asking you to believe that this would be reported the same way if it were the Washington Post investigating whether this was an inside job.

I’m not asking you to pretend that this is JOURNALISM. That would be cray cray!

My interpretation, which I stated higher in this column, is that the fact that the Dolphins wanted to keep their GM-with-the-roster-power structure in place was a factor in Fisher choosing the Rams.

This is what you stated higher in the column:

Jeff Fisher didn’t choose against Miami as much as he chose St. Louis

Everyone! Please note Jeff Fisher didn’t choose against Miami so much as he chose against a GM-with-the-roster-power structure in Miami, which led him to St. Louis. I think.

Not the major factor, but a factor…


The Tim Tebow story was fun while it lasted.

No it wasn’t. It was worse than puppy AIDS.

But now what?


I don’t subscribe to the school of thought that Tebow can’t succeed as a full-time NFL quarterback. We don’t know that for sure.

All we know is that he’s woefully inaccurate, struggles with quickly reading through his progression, and is prone to fumbling the ball. Could he become the next Drew Brees? Could he sprout wings and fly above the lands, sprinkling all of us with delicious chocolate jimmies? WHO KNOWS? I LACK THE ABILITY TO MAKE LOGICAL CONCLUSIONS.

1. (tie) New York Giants (11-7). Memories of 2007 are so valid they’re scary.

“Oh my God, Tim! This is a valid driver’s license you have! TERRIFYING IN ITS VALIDITY.”

9. Detroit (10-7). Looking at my rankings last week, I had the Lions lower than Denver and Atlanta. What was I thinking? Or smoking?

Man, my rankings sure are unreliable! In fact, they’re so useless, I failed to even grasp that I probably put Denver ahead of Detroit last week due to their differing results in the Wild Card round! I think I put Denver ahead because Marvin Demoff told me to.

11. Denver (9-9). Tebow’s losses (Detroit, New England, New England) can feel like the end of the world…


/watches as winged daemon flies out of nearby canyon, sets fire to the sky

…because Tebow’s inaccuracies make it difficult to sustain an offensive attack. But missing guard Chris Kuper hurt a lot.


(Alex) Smith will never have to buy another Anchor Steam for the rest of his life.

Why would he, when there’s delicious Shock Top on tap? You don’t see that beer in many places!

(wait — do guys who went to Utah drink beer?)

O ho ho! Are the waves of grain in Iowa REALLY amber? I’m not sure.


What’s the one thing the Texans, playing with a third-string quarterback and playing at a team that was perfect at home this year, couldn’t give Baltimore?

A set of stabbin’ knives?

A gift.


Busy week for NFL referee Gene Steratore, who traveled a long way to go 21 miles between Tuesday and Saturday evenings.

Get out your iCals, everyone! It’s time for “Peter is impressed by the travel schedule of another person”!

On Tuesday, he reffed the Louisville-Providence Big East men’s basketball game in downtown Providence.

His train was going 100 miles an hour. Now, another train containing Bob Papa is going 80 miles an hour. What time will they meet in Wichita?

Steratore had to take a 2,978-mile detour to spend two working nights in eastern New England.


Busy Beaver, that Steratore.

/eyes low hanging fruit

/leaves it just for you, dear commenters

There is a Renaissance Hotel built into the Gillette Stadium complex.

Not a Conrad? HARUMPH!

A media friend of mine stayed there while on assignment for the Broncos-Patriots game over the weekend. On Friday night, his stadium-view room cost $299 plus tax. On Saturday, game day, the room went for $709.

No fucking way. Are you telling me that hotels charge more during usage times? EXTORTION.

Total bill for staying in a regular Marriott Hotel room for one evening: $791.95.

And no free coffee!

I can only hope his accounting department at work understands when he files an expense report for two nights at a Renaissance Hotel, and the bill for the room tops $1,100.

I know! Poor guy, who didn’t have to pay for his expensive hotel room and needed to only fill out a simple form to be reimbursed his $1,100! BUY THAT MAN A HOEGAARDEN.

“Here’s the crazy thing,” my buddy told me. “The place was sold out.”

GTFO! Are you telling me the hotel was sold out on game day? During the playoffs? That’s crazy talk. Next thing you’re going to tell me is that hotels charge more for larger rooms… OMG THEY DO!!!

Tweet of the Week II

“Ravens, Niners & Giants: the 3 teams that run & defend the best, all still alive. PATS will their hands full with any of them.”

“That said … I’ll take my chances with Brady, Belichick & #75 any day! #GOPATS”

— @DonnieWahlberg, actor and lover of all teams Boston, with a double-Tweet.

Shut the fuck up, Donnie.

Steratore’s a really good ref.

But he’s an even BETTER beaver.

I think this is what I didn’t like about the divisional playoffs:

a. The phrase “divisional playoffs.” Stupid title for the weekend.

Whatever happened to my idea of calling it Divisionville?

e. Michael Crabdrop.

f. Jermichael Findrop.

g. And don’t get me started on Jacoby Jonemuff!

And James Starks: You’ve got to pick up the rushing linebacker better than that, son.

Nothing pedantic about a middle aged white reporter calling a young black football player “son”!


Bill Leavy. I must be the only guy in America who didn’t think his non-reversal on the Greg Jennings fumble or non-fumble was horrible.

You sure are, because that call was HORRIBLE.

I think I reserved the right to say I told you so when I picked Justin Smith as my 2011 NFL defensive player of the year, and so I’ll say it: I told you so.

I think I reserved the right to be a snotty asshole when I’m right about something. Just like when I told you to draft Tim Hightower in your fantasy draft! BUBBLY: POPPED.

I think the strangest call of the weekend came before the game started in Foxboro.

Or was it the WEIRDEST?!

Why on earth, Denver, would you defer when winning the coin toss?

So you get the ball to start the second half?

I think that was a very meaty story by the Kansas City Star’s Kent Babb about what he described to be the paranoia and insecurity he reports to be rampant in the offices of the Kansas City Chiefs under owner Clark Hunt and GM Scott Pioli.


I think the Bucs could take 10 days to two weeks from now to hire a coach. Why, you ask? Why not?

If you can drag your feet for an extra two weeks to hire Mike Sherman, while allowing other teams to pick up talented assistants you could have hired, YOU DO IT.

Red Sox alive? Making any moves to combat the Yankees’ 13-man starting rotation? Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?

Thank God Peter brought this up, because here I was watching all these great games over the weekend and all I could think was WHY HASN’T BOBBY VALENTINE BANNED CHICKEN FROM THE CLUBHOUSE YET?!

Glad to have helped a few of you discover The Art of Fielding.

Do you people live under fucking trees?

Had four people this past week tell me they’re either reading it or have read it, and all agreed with me: Can’t put it down, and as good as the baseball stuff is, the life stuff is better.

Baseball, fine. Life, BETTER.

I saw a movie! Moneyball, and I liked it a lot.

Good to know, fuckface!

I’d ridiculed the casting of Philip Seymour Hoffman as A’s manager Art Howe, and though he didn’t look much like him other than atop the head, Hoffman had the personality and the dourness of a manager down pat.

Yes, who knew an Oscar winning actor would be able successfully portray another person?

g. Philip Seymour Hoffman: The Meryl Streep of male actors. He can do it all.

He’s the Bogart of male actors!

h. Missed the Golden Globes. What’d I miss?

THE GOLDEN GLOBES. You think you missed them because you did!

So I was in Boston over the weekend, and I walked into one of my three former Starbucks there…

Dunno how you fix this, Seattle. One Starbucks didn’t supply enough liquefied egg yolks for Peter. He needed THREE of those fuckers.

…and the gal behind the counter, who I recognized, pointed to me and said: “Triple grande hazelnut latte.” Wow. Impressive.

AMAZING. FANTASTIC. Who knew a common clerk would be able to recognize a man whom she seen presumably hundreds of times before, a man who also appears on television? SHE MUST BE LIKE THAT RETARDED KID ON KIEFER’S NEW SHOW. Get that girl a position in the Falcons’ front office! I think the karma gods are gonna have a lot of good things in store for you, missy!

So I was in Boston over the weekend, and I went to the House of Blues Friday night to see the Peter Gammons band play Rolling Stones covers.

Worst night out ever.

A good time was had by all — particularly getting reacquainted with Harpoon IPA. The Harpoon line can’t be beat.

And Alex Smith never has to buy one again!

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