Peter King Loves Carrots, Football-Hating Poets

01.23.12 6 years ago 132 Comments

When we last left Busy Beaver Peter Kingdrop, he was fully disclosing that he shared an agent with Jeff Fisher, and that you were more than free to not believe him when he said that Jeff Fisher MAYBE KINDA SORTA picked the Rams more than he rejected the Dolphins. You take that report on faith, America. But if you let it seep into your guts, it will blow you away. I think.

So what about this week? Did Gene Steratore travel a lot? Any more meaty Babb Nuggets to digest? Isn’t it a great sign that the Bucs have extended their coaching search by another eight months? Is Philip Seymour Hoffman still the Meryl Streep of male actors? READ ON. This Fun With Peter King is so valid, it’s SCARY.

I laugh when people call me an idiot for my predictions.

“Ha ha ha! It’s funny because it’s true. Say, did you see that they’re building a Starbucks in war-torn Somalia? Sounds like democracy is just a latte away!”

I shake my head when gambler friends ask me who to pick. Poor saps.

GAMBLER: Who ya got, Peter? My mortgage is riding on this one!

PETER: I like the Giants.

GAMBLER: Oh good! Now I know…


GAMBLER: Well, are you sure?

PETER: I think so.

GAMBLER: Do you think it or do you know it?

PETER: I don’t just think it. I know it. I think.

GAMBLER: (opens carotid artery)

These four players had huge parts in the Patriots and Giants making the Super Bowl for the second time in five seasons:

1. Sterling Moore.

2. Billy Cundiff.

3. Kyle Williams.

4. Jacquian Williams.

Many of you never heard of three of those four before Sunday. Some of you still haven’t.

Some of you still haven’t heard of Kyle Williams. Why? Because you didn’t watch the game last night and because this is a column about COFFEE, and all the ways in which it is brewed and mixed with various Sno Cone flavorings.

Nice crowd the 49ers have on Twitter. One of their “fans” tweeted to Williams (@KyleWilliams_10): “Jim Harbaugh, please give @KyleWilliams_10 the game ball. And make sure it explodes when he gets in his car.”


It’s only sports, people. Only sports.

Which is why the bulk of this column is dedicated to describing the hotel I stayed at last week, instead of actual sports.

How about this incredible Xerox of fate for the Giants.

Perfect metaphor deployment. A thousand poets could spend a thousand years trying to come up with the perfect encapsulation of this Giants run, and they’d never walk out of the room with a nugget as GOLDEN as XEROX OF FATE. It’s a powerful, gleaming expression — one that speaks to the idea of destiny, that we cannot change things no matter how much we try, and that we are sometimes cosigned to do the same things over and over again. It has so many applications:

XEROX OF FATE, DIRECTED BY OREN PELI: What happens when a seemingly normal office copier begins printing out obtuse messages on its own? One D-list actress you’ll never hear from again will find out.

XEROX OF FATE: Steve Serby’s HILARIOUS quick turnaround book about this unlikely Giants season. Subtitle: HOW THE GIANTS STOPPED COUGHLIN UP LOSSES AND BECAME GOTHAM ELI-CONS.

XEROX OF FATE: A hilarious fake supergroup in a Portlandia sketch!

In 2007, the Giants started the playoffs by beating an NFC South team. Then they beat the No. 1 seed on the road.

And then they had to travel to SEATTLE, which we all know is located in Russia, and then they spent six hours waiting on the tarmac for their plane to be de-iced, and then they had to double back on Route 3 because of a DUI blockade! And then they traveled to Texas a day later to pick up Gene Steratore!

There’s something about Manning that’s hard to put a finger on, but also very hard to beat.

OPPPOSING COACH: You want to stop Eli Manning? You have to defend his CHEMISTRY.

For the many of you wanting to crucify (Lee) Evans for the play: I don’t. Should he have lock-gripped the ball to prevent stripping? Yes, of course.

Is Lee Evans to blame for dropping that ball? No. But, to put it another way, he is very much to blame for it.

Miami’s hire of the Green Bay offensive coordinator as head coach Friday probably never would have happened without Matt Birk, Kirk Ferentz, and two Massachusetts establishments of higher education…

Along with this bag of string and a seemingly innocuous account statement from the Best Western hotel. How does it all tie together? TELL YOU IN A FEW PARAGRAPHS, JON!

Sad news, however you fall on the Joe Paterno spectrum, with the news of his death Sunday at 85.

If you revered him, you’re very sad. If you were a reactionary type who thought he abetted child rape and you hate him and you’re not sad at all about his death… you are also very sad.

Mike Tomlin (secondary) and Jim Caldwell (quarterbacks) coached together at Tampa Bay under Tony Dungy in Dungy’s last season with the Bucs, 2001, if you’re looking for a clue on the next offensive coordinator in Pittsburgh.

/hears Ape destroying a perfectly good hat stand

Someone Who Knows told me a major roadblock to Steve Spagnuolo taking the defensive coordinator job in Philadelphia was the presence of very strong personality Jim Washburn on the defensive line.

Again, can’t Someone Who Knows write this thing every week? He at least would have found a better metaphor than XEROX OF FATE.

I like the Dolphins a little better today now that they’re the leaders in the clubhouse for Matt Flynn.

Gotta like the idea that they’ll overpay for the second coming of Scott Mitchell.

Offensive Player of the Week

Baltimore QB Joe Flacco… A great performance by a player under legit fire.

40% legit, you guys.

Owner Woody Johnson, to Jets beat reporters, on many things, including cooking and toxicity:

Oh, of course! Those two subjects go together so naturally! Like kites and fisting!

“Confidence is a very, very important thing in cooking and also in managing quarterbacks. How many starting quarterbacks are pulled?”

Okay, well the Jets are clearly fucked. Who asked him to bring up bold flavors when discussing how awful Nacho is?

I flew from JFK to San Francisco Thursday on a mid-morning Delta flight… When I approached my row, a 35ish man…


…was sitting in the aisle seat with headphones on, reading Harper’s.

This story is a fabrication. No one reads Harper’s. It’s not even a real magazine. They use it as a prop in movies because real magazines would sue for copyright infringement if you showed them.

The other two seats were devoid of people, but not of crap. In the middle seat was a McDonalds bag, crumpled, with an empty drink poking out of the top, with three used red blankets left on the seat. Another blanket with discarded newspapers was on the window seat I was to occupy.

OMG! There’s, like, three ounces of shit in your seat! HOW WILL IT EVER BE MOVED?!

On the floor was a plastic bag with a water bottle, empty, and other garbage, along with another blanket. I surveyed the situation. The guy in the aisle seat took off his headphones and said, “Guess they didn’t clean the plane.”

“Yup,” I said.

Riveting. It’s like Steven fucking Zaillian scripted the dialogue.

“Hey. There’s, like, garbage here.”

“I know.”


He put his headphones back on and read, and I took the two bags of trash, plus the newspapers, into the bathroom and shoved them into the garbage hole. Then I took the blankets and deposited them under a row of seats.

So now we don’t get meals on the 6-hour, 40-minute coast-to-coast trips. We pay for the bags we check, in most instances. And now, evidently, we have to bus the planes ourselves.

Don’t you see I had to walk ten extra feet to dispose of that refuse? WHAT IS HAPPENING TO OUR COUNTRY?!

1. I think this is what I liked about championship weekend:

a. The gigantic cooked carrot at Bob’s Steak and Chop House at Montgomery and California streets in San Francisco.

That is perfect. That is just the most perfect goddamn thing I’ve ever read. Hey guys, those were a couple of close games we saw yesterday. Know what THE FIRST THING I LIKED ABOUT THE WHOLE WEEKEND WAS? A carrot. A fucking carrot. A root vegetable of above average size. Served to me at a restaurant you probably can’t afford, where giant carrots are almost certainly treated as a garnish. ALLOW ME TO START OFF MY THOUGHTS ON THE WEEKEND BY POINTING OUT THE SINGLE MOST INSIGNIFICANT DETAIL I POSSIBLY CAN. Because I love really fucking big carrots. What’s interesting, Doc?

b. Riding three cable cars. Touristy, I know. But really fun.

Holy crap, does this man have to visit every tourist attraction multiple times? Sweetheart, I think if we go to Madame Tussaud’s a third time, we’ll really understand the wax figures more in depth. ONTO THE BOOK DEPOSITORY.

c. Nice coverage at the goal line on Wes Welker, Ray Lewis.

Way to go, BOY.

I love offensive coordinator Greg Roman’s brain.

So soft and mushy. I bet if I stuck my peepee in it, it would feel AMAZING.

He comes up with some weird stuff, confusing stuff…

WEIRD! “Guys, we’re running exclusively out of the weird formation today. NOW GO!”

2. I think this is what I didn’t like about championship weekend:


a. The traffic on US 101 at 4:20 p.m. Friday.

Holy shit, really? Who does this matter to besides you?

In rain varying from steady to a heavy mist, it took me 2 hours and 55 minutes to drive 43 miles from the 49ers headquarters in Santa Clara to my hotel in downtown San Francisco. One crazy, maddening ride.

Indeed. Who knew that there would be traffic in a major metropolitan area during an enormous sporting event? AND DID YOU KNOW THAT HOTELS AROUND CANDLESTICK CHARGED MORE ON SATURDAY NIGHT? I’m really worried about America, people.

I think if I’m a Rams fan, and I’m already skittish and skeptical about my team’s long-term future, and not really thrilled about what I just saw in a 2-14 season, how do you think I’m going to react when I hear the best of the eight games on my home schedule in 2012 — New England and Tom Brady at home, likely the last time in his fabulous career that Brady will ever play in St. Louis — has been shipped to London?

RAMS FAN: When does baseball season start? Also, what happens when you fry a fried pretzel?

Let the record show that if the Rams-Pats game is shipped to Wembley, the only Brady game in the Edward Jones Dome will be the 40-22 New England victory in 2004

NOOOOOOOOOOO! People of Earth, we are missing out on the classic RAMS/PATS rivalry, that dates all the way back to the 2001, when fate xeroxed itself and the Pats won their first Super Bowl! Don’t you see how important it is for EVERY team to play against Tom Brady every year? He’s the whole reason we live and breathe! We need to clone him and send him out to all the far corners of the world, so that every town can lead the league in Bradyness!

… unless Brady becomes the first 43-year-old starting quarterback in the NFL since George Blanda. He’d be 43 the next time New England is slated to play the Rams on the road.

He’ll never play the Rams or Redskins again?! REPUGNANT. Now you’re telling the people of St. Louis that they’ll have to watch Tom Brady play on TV, instead of paying top dollar to watch him in a terrible stadium? THIS IS BULLSHIT. I feel sick about the whole “the NFL schedule is perfectly balanced” business.

I think the best outside-the-box thinking about football this season comes from noted 93-year-old American poet Lawrence Ferlinghetti.


a poem by Larry Ferly

A leaf rustles in the wind
A dog tarries ’round his owner
Is this every day?
The Giants play defense good

“Seriously, they have to do something to change the basic rules of the game,” he (said).

It needs more coupleting.

“I prefer European soccer.”


“It’s much more interesting than American football. It’s like chess when you really pay attention to it. The more you know about it, the more interesting it gets.”

It’s so INTERESTING, and it becomes more INTERESTING the more you are INTERESTED in it. I’m a poet.

“Football is just not that interesting.”

HOLY FUCK. Oh yeah, that’s some real out-of-the-box thinking right there. Hey guys, here are some pretty cool ideas about football from some literary prick who hates football. Most INTERESTING thing I’ve heard in a while!

“Every time they line up, it’s going to either be a run or a pass.”

I know! There are only TWO plays in every NFL playbook!

This is why I don’t like poetry. Every time you read it, it’s gonna be either a WORD or SOME OTHER WORD. Pretty fucking boring, if you ask me. Lawrence Ferlinghetti is a piece of shit.

I think there’s a reason the franchise in this town has been good, and bad, and good again, and it revolves around just that — teaching the quarterback you have.

There’s your PK Butchered Sentence of the Week. That’s what Peter does with language. He butchers it.

Marco Scutaro to the Rockies for Clayton Mortensen, a bottom-of-the-rotation candidate. Stupid, stupid, stupid trade.

Once the Red Sox come into play, Peter actually has opinions.

Did GM Ben Cherington watch the end of the Red Sox season, when Scutaro played hurt and played brilliantly — the best player on the team over the last two weeks (when the team was dying and drinking) other than Jacoby Ellsbury, at a time when too many big-money players stunk up the joint?

If you hate Scutaro, you hate America.

He obviously was undervalued by a team that now seems to value more the guys who drink in the clubhouse in the seventh inning than those scratching and clawing to try to win games.

Garbage in my airplane seat, traffic, bad Red Sox trades… THE WORLD IS FUCKED. I wonder what Lawrence Ferlinghetti would make of all this!

Do not lose your zeal, Shannon Magrane. I’m no American Idol fan, but I did see this the other night, and Magrane is one cool, confident kid — like her dad, former Cardinals pitcher Joe Magrane. Interesting clip.

INTERESTING! Welcome to Interestingwood, Shannon.

f. Check out this piece by CSN’s Matt Maiocco on the kindness of inactive 49er cornerback Shawntae Spencer.

g. Now there’s a guy who’s showing teammates how to pass it on — the right way — the way Bryant Young showed him.

A. And here’s your weekly misuse

a. of bullet points

b. HEY LOOGIT! These add space and make the column seem longer!

Tried a latte at Blue Bottle Coffee in the San Francisco Ferry building Saturday — and it was worth the 15-minute wait in line. I’ve been to two of these individual coffee makers in San Francisco now, and the care really shows in the product.

And barista knew my name! Whoa. Impressive.

This espresso was incredibly smooth, and the barista took 10 to 15 seconds making some sort of tree-like art on the foam.


Didn’t much care about the artwork, but the coffee was great.


Beernerdness: Had a couple of Lagunitas New Dog Town Pale Ales on tap Saturday night. A beautiful caramel-colored ale, easy and delicious to drink, slightly…



BINGO BANGO! If only they made carrot beer.

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