Peter King Has Found The Best Walking Town In America

10.29.12 5 years ago 45 Comments

When last we left weather respecter, Peter King, he was calling RGIII the Bono of the NFL. That’s right, Forget nature, it’s man who is always capable of the worst destruction. PK also assured us that the true determination of a big NFL play is whether the assholes in the NBC viewing room scream like idiots about it. Finally, Peter revealed he still has an AOL e-mail address and that the the front page of a terrible media company is shockingly filled with inanity nuggets.

What about this week? How lucky are San Franciscans to be able to walk in their town? UBER LUCKY? Can you believe that teams that play in London travel more than teams that don’t? YOU CANNOT. So start respecting the weather and READ ON.

“Just landed. Thank you God”

— Tweet from New York Giants defensive end Justin Tuck at 1:13 a.m. today, six minutes after the team charter from Texas just beat Hurricane Sandy up the East Coast.

Whew. Made it just in time to endure a hurricane. Close one.

As I was writing last night, I came across this from veteran meteorologist Stu Ostro of the Weather Channel:


“A meteorologically mind-boggling combination of ingredients is coming together: one of the largest expanses of tropical storm force winds on record with a tropical or subtropical cyclone in the Atlantic or for that matter anywhere else in the world; a track of the center making a sharp left turn in direction of movement toward New Jersey in a way that is unprecedented in the historical database, as it gets blocked from moving out to sea by a pattern that includes an exceptionally strong ridge of high pressure aloft near Greenland; a ‘warm-core’ tropical cyclone embedded within a larger, nor’easter-like circulation; and eventually tropical moisture and arctic air combining to produce heavy snow in interior high elevations. This is an extraordinary situation, and I am not prone to hyperbole.”

That’s nice, because Peter King loves him some loftperbole. “IN THE ALL-TIME ANNALS OF UBER WEIRDNESS, THIS IS AT THE SEMI-TOP!”

Wow. Time to cower in the corner (and I don’t mean Bill).

A hope a strong gust dislodges one of Cowher’s chiclet teeth and it gets embedded in your forehead.

Now I’ll get to football, but respect the weather.

“It’s the cousin of the sun, I think. MAYBE!”

Denver’s got a defense. In the last six quarters (Denver 69, Foes 14), the Broncos look like a match for any team in football.

Provided that team sucks, like San Diego or New Orleans do.

as Peyton told me last week: “The whole goal was try to get better every week, even if only a little bit better every week. And I knew all along the nerve would take a long time, and you couldn’t rush it. It’ll be a tad better in two weeks, then a tad better two weeks after that. On game day, I get a little juice and feel pretty good.”

What’s that? A reference to steroids? Pay that no mind. Aren’t you supposed to be respecting the weather? RESPECT IT, DAMN YOU!

I look at the fact that the Eagles, 3-4, can still save their season, and they go to the team playing the worst defense in NFL history next Monday. The Saints have allowed more yards over the first seven games of an NFL than any team ever has. This is the kind of game made to give a struggling team confidence. And Reid has invested so much time and effort in Vick — who didn’t turn it over once Sunday in the loss to Atlanta — that to yank him now Reid would have to have an inordinate amount of trust in rookie Nick Foles to win big. I think there are too many signs that Vick and McCoy could bust out in New Orleans for Reid to yank Vick now.

So if you’re going to make a change at quarterback, you should wait until after you play one of the shittiest defenses in NFL history so your starter can go out on a high note. Got it. I’m sure to Andy Reid, that reasoning makes tons of sense.

Of all the defenses in football, none plays offense like Chicago’s. The Bears scored their sixth defensive touchdown of the season Sunday. The Bears’ savvy 5-foot-8 corner, Tim Jennings, picked off Cam Newton twice in a 23-22 win, returning one for a touchdown that doomed Carolina. “This is what I always thought Tim would be,” Tony Dungy said Sunday night at the NBC studios. “He’s matured a lot, and he fits perfectly in that defense.”

Oh good, something happened on the football field that Peter can attribute to THE DUNGE’S genius. Otherwise he’d have to quote Dungy’s line about how the hurricane is God’s revenge on New York for all the gays.

Jason Garrett deserves some of the blame for the Dallas defeat.

Are you sure? I mean, is a head coach really even partly responsible for his horribly undisciplined team that has no semblance of clock management? Let’s not jump the gun. Maybe give Garrett a couple more 10-loss seasons before making any declarations of culpability.

“I knew I was going to dive for the pylon,” Ballard said as the Colts waited to take off from Nashville for Indianapolis after the game. “I did it twice in college and didn’t make it. Once, I fumbled through the end zone. The other time, I got stopped at the inch-yard line.” Huh? The inch-yard line?

Fake Peter King befuddlement is even more annoying than real Peter King befuddlement.

“Yeah, just an inch or two away. This time, I know I couldn’t run to the end zone. I was going to have to dive. When I jumped, somebody hit my legs, and I rolled over in air.” Mouton clipped his leg, McCarthy got him by the shoe, and he turned over, like he was taking a nap on his back in air.

Only a me-first gloreeee boy would try to squeeze him a nanosecond-long nap in the middle of a critical touchdown run.

“It’s a special feeling,” Ballard said. “I’m looking forward to watching it. I have a feeling I’ll be able to find it on the internet.”

Not the AOL home page, however. That’s nothing but JUNK! What have we become America, when a service that no one uses anymore descends to such wretchedness!?

In Memory of Marty

Not saying a man whose team was 9-29 in the last 2.5 years doesn’t deserve to have his job jeopardized, even though the timing for firing GM Marty Hurney in Carolina was ridiculous. What good does it do to fire a GM in the middle of a season?

Yes, why bother moving on with your struggling franchise when you can spare your shitty, overpaid GM some minor amount of embarrassment? THAT’S NOT DOING IT THE RIGHT WAY!

Don’t tell me, though, that Hurney left the cupboard bare. His sixth-round pick in 2010, defensive end Greg Hardy, had three sacks of Jay Cutler Sunday. His big 2011 free-agent keeper, Charles Johnson, Hurney’s third-rounder in 2007, had two sacks of Cutler with two forced fumbles. His first-round pick this year, linebacker Luke Kuechly, had another big game Sunday, with 10 tackles.

His top pick in the 2010 draft was Jimmy Clausen, who Peter King at the time hailed as the QB most ready to complain on Twitter about his trip to Supercuts and do nothing else. Quite prescient.

I know the way the business works, and I know Hurney deserves to be under the gun, and I know Cam Newton now is not a sure long-term thing in Carolina

You don’t know that because it’s wrong and you’re wrong and you’re stupid and why am I spending what may be my last few hours on this planet before a hurricane kills me reading this bullshit? AAAARRRRGGGGHHHHH I WASTED MY LIFE!

and Hurney wanted Newton as his franchise quarterback. I’m just saying nothing is ever totally black and white in this game

Like Josh Freeman! He’s both!

and Hurney’s record should include it all: the questionable free agent spending, the unlikely Super Bowl run in 2003, the three playoff berths in 10 seasons, the inability to get Carolina out of a losing funk over the past four seasons.

The time he used Peter King’s dick to make Carolina’s one-inch line at the stadium, a gesture Peter King will treasure always.

Fine Fifteen

1. Houston (6-1). J.J. Watt had neither a sack nor a deflected pass over the weekend. Of course, the Texans didn’t have a game.

All the more time to spend respecting the weather. Did he do that? Don’t tell me he swatted at the wind. THAT’S DISRESPECT!

3. New York Giants (6-2). This is the fourth year of Jerryworld, the Stadium With No Corporate Name In Arlington, vs. the Fourth Quarter Surgeon, Eli Manning.

But you said Eli is an architect? How many fictional jobs of advanced skill does he have? And where can I get inauguration ball tickets for President Elect Eli Manning’s thing in January?

4. Chicago (6-1). Bears 23, Panthers 22 at Soldier Field Sunday. Another margin of one here: Bears six interceptions returned for touchdowns this year, Cam Newton five touchdown passes this year.

Bears defense for Panthers quarterback!

8. Baltimore (5-2). So the Ravens were able to take a collective breath Sunday as Hurricane Sandy roared into the area. Entering the second half of the season, they have to get better play from Joe Flacco or January’s going to be ugly, whether the Ravens make it that far or not.

Wait, the Ravens lost to what you consider the best team in the league and now you’re doubting whether they’ll even make the playoffs? I hate the shit out of Baltimore and even I wouldn’t do that.

10. Pittsburgh (4-3). Well, I was wrong. I thought the Steelers’ season was in the dumper. Wins over two decent teams have the men of steel back in it.

So long as their opponent’s receivers drop a million passes a game, no one can beat them!

13. Seattle (4-4). If I were Seattle GM John Schneider, I’d call Chiefs GM Scott Pioli, and ask if there’s any way he’d dump Dwayne Bowe for a fourth-round pick. And if he would, which I doubt, I’d be a buyer.

If I were John Schneider, I’d ask for a car that runs on me getting blowjobs. Though doubtful that I’d receive it, if offered, I’d take it!

14. Dallas (3-4). Yeah, they turn it over too much. Way too much. Something about the Cowboys, though, makes me think they’re not done. I think they’ll give the Falcons a good game this week.

No, they’re very much done. But PK isn’t entirely wrong about the likelihood of Dallas giving Atlanta a game. That’s a very Cowboys thing to do: have one absurdly good win only to conquer hope for their dipshit fans. Then the Cowboys proceed to derp away the rest of their games.

Quote of the Week I

“I didn’t lose my composure. I just called him a punk, and that’s exactly what he is.”

— Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie, who got an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty for jawing with and head-butting Reggie Bush on the fifth play of the Jets-Dolphins game. There is bad blood between the Jets and Bush, because of a burgeoning feud between Bush and injured Jets corner Darrelle Revis.

God, I wish Cromartie and DeAngelo Hall could be on the same team.

Stat of the Week

You will excuse Rams coach Jeff Fisher if he needs a couple of stiff drinks on the flight from Heathrow Airport outside of London back home to St. Louis today. If he never sees the New England Patriots again, that’ll be just fine with him. The last time he faced New England as coach of Tennessee, the Pats beat the Titans 59-0. On Sunday, the first time he faced New England as coach of the Rams, the Pats beat the Rams 45-7. Numbers you might like — but Fisher won’t — from those eight quarters of football:

Yards allowed: 1,092.
Margin of defeat: 97 points.
Touchdowns passes allowed: 10.
Interceptions: 0

Fistpumps: All of them.

Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me I

“We’ve traveled before,” Bill Belichick, he of the electric quote, said upon arriving in London Friday, playing down the long flight from New England to London.

The Patriots played at Seattle in Week 6. Flight time from Boston to Seattle: 6 hours, 3 minutes.

The Patriots played in London in Week 8. Flight time from Boston to London Heathrow: 6 hours, 25 minutes.

You know what this means: London is England’s Remoteville! I can’t believe they got an Olympics all the way out there!

Factoid of the Week That May Interest Only Me II

The Patriots (6,500) and Rams (7,670) logged more air miles in Week 8 than the Packers will fly all season (5,774).

You mean to tell me that teams that play an international game travel more distance than those that don’t!? WEIRD.

Also, the Packers played a game in Seattle, AMERICA’S DISTANT REMOTEVILLE!

Mr. Starwood Preferred Member Travel Note of the Week

So my brother Ken retired from his job in England in September, and we decided to give him a fun, frequent-flier-aided retirement gift: a trip to see a World Series game. So he came over and, as it turned out, the only game that would work for me was Game 1 in San Francisco, which we didn’t know would be in San Francisco until last Monday night. Thanks to my friend Corey Bowdre with the Red Sox, we were able to buy seats at face value and we set off for California.

I would make a comment about how accepting more gifts from pro sports teams compromises Peter’s journalistic integrity, but Peter actually some of his own money for the seat, which means this doesn’t even crack The EVOSHIELD TOP 100 PETER KING ETHICAL LAPSES.

I spent much of last Tuesday in Atlanta with Tony Gonzalez for some SI reporting, then flew to San Francisco Tuesday evening.

I was deep in coach, in a middle seat. (The only way to fly! A middle seat for five hours and 15 minutes!)

Heavens! How did you live!?

The 50ish woman seated to my left got increasingly frustrated with her iPad, sighing heavily, until finally she said, “Damn daughter!” and took the iPad and hit herself on the scalp with it. I clanked over, wondering if I was to feel the wrath of the iPad-abuser next, and she said, “My daughter must have erased this app I need! I can’t figure the damn thing out!” I told her I was sorry, and asked her what she did for a living.

“I’m in sales,” she said. “On the way to San Francisco for a sales conference.”

“Oh,” I said. “What do you sell?”

“Well, various things,” she said.

Name five things you sell. You can’t.

Well, all right then. We flew the rest of the way in crammed, painful quietude.

I got to visit my daughter while in San Francisco. She works at Twitter

Uh oh.

/has Twitter account erased by Mary Beth King

UPDATE: Oop dee! Turns out it’s another King daughter, Laura, who works for Twitter. Sadly, pk has procreated more than once.

and one of the highlights of the trip (other than the fun of seeing her) was touring the office and getting to eat lunch in the cafeteria. Great benefit of working there: breakfast, lunch and dinner are free, and stupendous.

Great benefit of being the daughter of Peter King: getting a bunch of jobs with NFL teams to pad your resume so you can get a job at Twitter.

(I had the grass-fed beef chili Americano, with heritage beans, and the tomato salad). Beer on tap there. No dessert. Hmmm. I saw no one with a beer at lunch, but I did see lots of different cold teas and flavored waters.

Maybe because not every asshole gets to down a six-pack of Peroni while working, Petey.

The layout of the office is conducive to exchanging ideas, with big tables and employees sitting at their desktops, and a ping pong table in a lounge nearby, with coffee and energy bars and … well, let’s just say it’s not the kind of office I’ve ever worked in before. The thought process at Twitter seems smart: Make it a good place to work, a comfortable place where you enjoy spending hours a day, and you’re probably going to be a productive employee.

The headquarters of a website has quirky bullshit like a ping pong table and an energy bar?! NO WAY! WEIRD.BIZ!

Heck of a good time at the game Wednesday. The day was perfect, sunny and cool, and the crowd giddy from batting practice on. That’s a beautiful stadium, in a great place, with excellent sightlines. Not the easiest thing to do, squeezing in a quick jaunt out west to see the Series in a busy week, and catching a redeye home to get normal work done, but I’m incredibly lucky to be able to do so, and to be able to be with my brother doing it.

“What’s that? YOU can’t get your friend who works for the Red Sox to hook you up with face value World Series tickets and then get to go at the drop of a hat like it’s nothing? Well, you must be like the stupid iPad lady who flies coach LIKE AN IDIOT!”

Tweet of the Week II

“Based on what I’m watching right now, Mississippi State would get killed by an NFL team, because they’re getting killed by an NFL team.”

— @fbgchase, owner Chase Stuart, watching Alabama rout Mississippi State Saturday night.

/braces for inevitable “Alabama could beat the Chiefs” comment from PK within the next few weeks.

Tweet of the Week III

“We are warriors on the field, but are human as well. I pray everyone sends prayers forth for Marcus Lattimore & others that are injured”

— @RGIII, quarterback Robert Griffin III on Saturday, after top NFL prospect Marcus Lattimore, a running back, suffered a severe knee injury in South Carolina’s game.

Tweet of the Week IV


— @GlobeChadFinn, Chad Finn of the Boston Globe, after the Patriots put cornerback Ras-I Dowling on injured-reserve for the second time in his two-year NFL career.

That’s right. Players are human, unless they’re injury-prone players on the Patriots, in which case, THEY-AH NO-ACCOUNT SHIFTLESS DAHHHHKKIEES! FACK YOU, DAAAHHHHKKKIIIEEEE!

Ten Things I Think I Think

1. I think this is what I liked about Week 1:

e. Jonathan Dwyer, the third-year back from Georgia Tech, hurts people when he runs. Even when the Steelers get their backfield totally healthy, Mike Tomlin has to find carries for this guy.

If this means I have to hear announcers like Brian Billick exclaim 15 times a game about how he’s a Jerome Bettis clone, I’d rather stick with Rashard Mendenhall fumbling non-stop.

h. Always impressed with how Ben Roethlisberger moves in the pocket to avoid traffic. How can a man that big be that quick?


2. I think this is what I didn’t like about Week 8:

a. One word for those Steeler uniforms: vomitous.


b. Seriously, NFL: We know why you do these throwback uniforms. (Throwup, in this case.) You want fans to go buy another type of Steelers jersey for the holidays. That’s what this about. And I defy you to find one self-respecting Steeler fan who would be caught dead in those mustard-and-mud striped jobs with the stupid numbers.

Are you fucking kidding me? Steelers fans will buy any stupid bullshit. I bet Pittsburgh Phil owns 10 of them.

/Steelers fan
//buys any stupid bullshit

And the socks. I think Margaret Hamilton wore those in The Wizard of Oz as the Wicked Witch of the West.


c. If I called those jerseys ugly, it’d be a compliment compared to what they really are.


d. Dying to find out how you got James Harrison to put that garish garbage on.

James Harrison took part in a “Call Me Maybe” parody earlier this year. It’s not as hard to get him to do dumb shit as you might think.

i. Interceptions No. 7, 8, 9 and 10 for Tony Romo at Dallas Cowboys Stadium this season.

Wait. You didn’t like those? Everyone loves Romoceptions. What the fuck is wrong with you?

j. The Chiefs. A two-month nightmare continued Sunday, when they spent their seventh straight game without a lead in regulation. I mean, how is it possible to NEVER lead a game?

Because you’re awful?

l. Rex Ryan’s confidence. Gone. Vanquished. Sanchized.


m. Dallas’ home-field disadvantage. The Cowboys are 14-13 in the house that Jerry built. Not dissimilar from their 99-100 regular season record this century.

So they’re a slightly better version of middling at home than they are on the road. That sounds about right. What is your point, exactly?

n. Mark Sanchez. Rex, it’s time.


4. I think Cam Newton did something at the end of the first half in Chicago that really bugged me.

Listened to hippity hop and used a cell phone! Just like a gloreee boy would!

From the Chicago 33, the Panthers called a Hail Mary with three seconds left. Newton threw it way over the end line. Either he wanted someone in the stands to have a souvenir, or he didn’t want to risk another interception on his stat sheet. I’m guessing the latter, and I don’t like it.

He hoped not the former, because PK wasn’t there to steal it from a child.

6. I think it’s literally impossible for a defensive back — like Chicago safety Chris Conte in the third quarter against Carolina — to avoid the kind of personal foul call he got for his hit on a defenseless receiver, Brandon LaFell. If LaFell is diving head-first for the ball and a defender is coming from opposite him to break it up, how possibly is he going to do it without hitting him somewhere around the head or neck? Should the defender simply lay back and wait for the receiver to catch the ball, then try to hit him? As dangerous as that play is, the league is more than tying the defender’s hands behind his back by making it virtually impossible for the defense to play defense on the play.

Holy shit, I agree with Peter King on something. Guess it’s time to die.

/walks outside to greet hurricane with arms outstretched

7. I think I have one question about the Detroit Lions: Who has kidnapped Calvin Johnson, and what have you done with him?

Was it those bastards at Nike who set him on fire in their commercials? Is there nothing you won’t do to sell shoes, sirs?

8. I think we’re about to see the national game with the worst ratings of the year: Kansas City at San Diego, Thursday night.

Well, I’ll watch it. The chance of selling Marmalard explode if he loses to the Chiefs is too much to pass up.

Also, I have to.


9. I think Phil Richards of the Indianapolis Star hit a home run with his piece this week about how Chuck Pagano might be away from the team while undergoing chemotherapy for leukemia, but he’s making his presence emotionally felt every day. Such as the day third-string quarterback Chandler Harnish was cut — and the one who delivered the news, by phone, was the ailing head coach, from his bed. Pagano’s one heck of a man.

He really inspired that guy he just cut from his team!

10. I think these are my non-NFL thoughts of the week.

b. San Francisco: best walking city in America.

You get to trod over so many homeless people! It’s magical.

c. Really happy for Marco Scutaro, who

d. So the Giants beat the Tigers four straight by a total of 10 runs, and the Tigers beat the Yankees four straight by a total of 13 runs. Does that mean the Giants would beat the Yankees four straight by a total of 865 runs?

I don’t know. Stand outside and ask the hurricane.

e. Couldn’t last forever, Ohio Bobcats. Good luck the rest of the way. And congrats, Miami, for bursting our bubble.

Burstiness, your bubble has it.

g. I need to see Argo.

Ar…go kill yourself.

/obvious references

h. Coffeenerdness: My football-season equilibrium was put to the test with Starbucks closing all shops in New York at 4 p.m. Sunday with the subways and trains scheduled to be shut down three hours later.

Oh noes, you had to brew your own coffee. CALL IN THE NATIONAL GUARD!

i. Beernerdness: If you have one baseball wish left (for those of you who like the game), I’d suggest this: Wish for a bleacher seat at AT&T Park in San Francisco, go to the park in time for batting practice, visit the Anchor Brewing stand behind the bleachers in center field, get an Anchor Liberty Ale, and just watch BP, preferably in the sun.

Which you respect.

Now for San Francisco 19, Arizona 13: Bet you didn’t know, or forgot, that John Skelton threw three touchdown passes against the Niners in a 21-19 Arizona upset in Glendale last December. Three’s how many TD throws Matthew Stafford, Ben Roethlisberger and Joe Flacco had against the Niners last year — combined. So I don’t put it past Skelton (6-0 as a starter at home) to give San Francisco a tough game. The one thing that scares me for Arizona: In San Francisco’s last three games against marginal starters — Mark Sanchez, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Russell Wilson — the Niners have allowed nine points. Breakdown of the 31 Jets, Bills and Seahawks offensive possessions:

Touchdowns: 0. Field goals: 3. Missed field goals: 1. Punts: 18. Fumbles: 4. Interceptions: 3. Lost on downs or end of half: 2.

In other words, Skelton has his work cut out for him, as they say.

He’ll have a tough time for someone going through something marginal.

The Adieu Haiku

Hey, Jim Cantore!
Tell ’em from D.C. to Maine:
Respect Sandy’s wrath.

Hurricane Sandy
You have but one assignment:
Destroy the Starbucks

Around The Web