Peter King. What Beernerditry!

12.20.10 7 years ago 74 Comments

When we last left four-way chili bukkake enthusiast Peter King, he was marveling at meat-and-potatoes linemen and dishing up all the tasty nuggets you could possibly want. Big nuggets! Small nuggets! Nuggets with bits of corn inside! We ooh/ahhed all day long!

So what about this week? Did Peter leave half a Zone Bar in Rihanna’s dressing room again? What will be this week’s We’re Really Serious This Time note? Will it be something Peter read in US News? Can can’t Starbucks do something about that loud music? You young punks may like your Paul McCartney, but older gents like Pete demand something a little more easygoing. READ ON.

We yell a lot in the fifth-floor Rockefeller Center viewing room of NBC’s Football Night in America.





Up to nine games in high-def on a big wall, and the 12 to 15 people in the room putting together the Sunday night show get a little excited from time to time.

Or, are you not part of our little viewing party each week? Pity. I suppose that why you’re you and Peter is Peter.

/haughty snicker

Oh, Rodney Harrison yells, often at big hits.

“AIM FOR THE BALLS, BOY! AIM FOR THE FUCKING BALLS! Seriously though, Peter, I’m greatly concerned about head hits now and have completely rethought how I used to play the game. OH FUCK YEAH BREAK THAT ASSHOLE’S NECK! YOU CAN DO IT IF YOU TAKE ENOUGH DONKEY HORMONE!”

Tony Dungy even yells a time or two per Sunday.


I yell more than I ever did in a press box, where yelling is verboten.

Thank God I finally have a place where I’m free to yell out in support of players who answer my texts. Good for you, Matt Ryan! You’re uber-responsive!

“NOOOOO! OhwhatareyouDOINGYOUIDIOT!” That’s when Giants punter Matt Dodge, with 14 seconds left in a 31-31 game, chose to not do what his coach told him and actually punted the ball to the most dangerous punt-return man in football for no apparent reason.

Does anyone think Dodge CHOSE to do this? I’m pretty sure he meant to punt it away from Jackson and completely failed.

So this was the first wee-hours-of-Monday-morning writing session that I had a sore throat.

Because usually, I meet up with Romo at the Best Western on TUESDAY afternoons. After that, my throat is chafed like a popped blister.

let’s see where we are with two weeks left in the regular season. Some weird happenings; it wouldn’t be an NFL season without the weirdness.

Did you know that, of the Eagles 14 games, they’ve won TEN of them? Both even numbers! WEIRDNESS.

Game of this weekend: Giants at Packers. It’s a playoff game before the playoffs, basically.

This is a playoff game, basically. Except that it isn’t a playoff game. There is no best team in football. Except New England.

Someone on the Giant sidelines told me about the coaches’ warning to the special teams and to Dodge: “They were warned. The warnings fell on deaf ears.”

Oh, I see. So it’s totally not Coughlin’s fault at all for what happened out there. That’s 100% on Dodge, even though Coughlin inexplicably kept Dodge around punting for the team despite numerous instances of him fucking up earlier in the year. You were warned that Dodge was fucking terrible, Tom. I guess those warnings fell on deaf ears.

I immediately wondered about Coughlin’s job status if the Giants continue to slide. I think the current ownership and management likes Coughlin a lot, and even if New York doesn’t make the playoffs, I believe Coughlin will stay. But if there’s another debacle on the level of this game in the next two weeks, who knows?

Will Coughlin be fired? I don’t know. Could the Giants go for Bill Cowher? MAYBE. Can frogs grow antennae? POSSIBLY. If spin Sprite very quickly in a centrifuge, can you make limon-flavored cotton candy? TIME WILL TELL.

Tim Tebow knew he’d be a little nervous — well, maybe a lot nervous — Saturday night after going over his playsheet twice with Denver quarterback coach Ben (Brother of Josh) McDaniels. So he took an Ambien. “Slept great,” he said.

Ambien? A DRUG? Tim Tebow is a fucking druggie and has an impure holy vessel! SUPER-LATE-TERM-ABORT HIM!

I watched the Tebow highlights — and a couple of lowlights — in the 39-23 loss against Oakland, and this is what I saw in his performance:

-I saw a young man who does things the RIGHT way

-If I’m Pat Bowlen, I watch Tebow play and then I open up the champagne. I then I put the champagne in my hair because I’m suffering from dimentia

-Look at how much dirt he got on his uni! You can’t tell me he doesn’t care!

No one respects the Hall of Fame voting process more than I do, but something needs to be done about admitting the men who didn’t play.

Because then how will I ever get in?

Ron Wolf’s name wasn’t on the list. That’s ridiculous. He’s one of the best personnel evaluators ever, with the moxie to make some of the biggest decisions in recent NFL history.

I loved his moxie. Loved everything about it. Maximum Moxitude, Ron Wolf. You have it.

7. New York Jets (10-4). Disaster. Disaster. Euphoria.

Joker… JOKER… and Unlikely Pairs!

So, so close.

Great job on the NFL Matchup show Sunday morning, detailing how offensive coordinator Mike Martz is building solid pockets and quick throws for Jay Cutler to prosper in. He’ll have to do that tonight, with wind-chill temps around zero, to beat the Vikes.

Here’s what the Bears have to actually do to beat the Vikings tonight:

1. Attend the game
2. There is no second step required.

14. New York Giants (9-5). Yeah, they’re better than 14th in the NFL.

But really, there IS no 14th best team in the NFL. Think about it.

“Disrespectful is probably not strong enough of a word. Donovan has handled himself with nothing but class, not just in Washington but as an ambassador for the league. To treat him this way … it’s beyond disrespectful.”

Fletcher Smith, the agent for Washington quarterback Donovan McNabb, to Jason Reid of the Washington Post, after McNabb was benched for the remainder of the season by coach Mike Shanahan.

Oh God, shut the fuck up, Fletcher Smith. Your client is an aging, shitty quarterback who got benched a month after he should have been. Stop treating him like some fucking rape victim. I can’t believe they benched such a classy person! Surely, they’d never do that to Tom Wolfe if he were starting!

It’s almost a guilty pleasure watching Vick play because you keep saying, He’ll never last taking this abuse, and in the next breath you say, Run! Run!

That’s exactly what Vick said about Sweet Virginia whenever he put her into the Octagon.

There are those who travel in our business, and then there is Bob Papa.

You talk about a man with ITINERARIES! He can be in up to three cities in one day! Overscheduled workaholic, OR WIZARDICIAN?

g. Marcedes Lewis. What hands!

h. Lance Moore! What feet!

City of Louisville. What horse-consciousness!!!

d. Rex, Rex, Rex.

Rex Ryan? Rex Grossman? Rex Harrison? Complete your quarter-thought, sir.

Imagine you’re Jim Schwartz.

“This goatee itches!”

Austin Collie, concussed again. This is turning into a very sad story.


I think the upshot of Mike Shanahan doing what he’s wanted to do for a couple of weeks now, benching Donovan McNabb, gives Shanahan the chance to see if Rex Grossman can become his Redskins version of what Jake Plummer was in Denver.

/watches Redskin fan stab himself in the eye with a dart

To make this move with three games left showed the depth of Shanahan’s distaste for McNabb’s play, and also shows that Shanahan and GM Bruce Allen are sure to move McNabb in the offseason. Now the question is: What can Washington get for McNabb, or will the Redskins simply have to release him? I’d say his trade value is now perhaps a fourth- or fifth-round conditional pick.

I’d say his trade value is six Skor bars and one of those pens that has four different kinds of ink all in one pen. You just slide down the color you want. Ever have one of those in school? So neat!

The Redskins owe Philadelphia a fourth-round pick to complete the McNabb trade from last April. You can bet Washington will bluster about not taking anything less than that when the market for McNabb opens.

BRUCE ALLEN: We want a second for McNabb, and we won’t take anything less!

RIVAL GM: No problem. We’ll give you two second rounders.


RIVAL GM: And a new dinette set.

BRUCE ALLEN: Excellent!

RIVAL GM: We’ll even throw in the Aspen ski chalet. Oh, and would you like a billion dollars in gold bullion as well?

BRUCE ALLEN: Oh, I see. You’re playing a joke on me! NOW THE REAL HARDBALL BEGINS!

What is it about the human brain that allows you to hear a song for the first time in, oh, 20 years, and after five or six seconds, know every word to the song? Or is it just my brain that does this? Had the car radio on Sirius 60s on 6, and the first few bars of a song I used to love in sixth grade, “Spooky,” comes on.

When it comes to “Spooky”? Yes, it’s just your brain that does that.

Hey Newsweek, whoever did your graphics makeover must have worked in advertising before coming to magazines, because all your stories look like ads. And vice versa.

NEWSWEEK EDITOR: Someone still reads us! Quick, do whatever he says!

/quickly prints out new issue with headline COFFEE: DID JESUS DRINK IT? BY FAREED ZAKARIA

OK, I will admit in the midst of a disinterested season that the Christmas episode of The Office was a keeper, from the snowball fight to Kelly’s office Christmas gift of the Hello Kitty laptop sleeve to Holly’s return.

But no Nard Dog? For shame.

Many of you have asked my opinion, as a Red Sox follower and season-ticket holder, of their Adrian Gonzalez and Carl Crawford moves, supplemented by the bullpen-beefing signings of Bobby Jenks and Dan Wheeler.

Who asked Peter his opinion on this? Show your face. I will hit you in the nuts with a fucking MACE.

I love a beefed bullpen.

It’s easy: Happy for me, sad for baseball.

But really, isn’t “happy for me” the only important thing? I WATCH NFL GAMES IN IMPOSSIBLE LUXURY.

Wish there were a cap in baseball, and wish Pittsburgh and Kansas City had the same chance to win every year in baseball as the Steelers and Chiefs do in football.

Didn’t the Brewers just trade for Depression Guy? WHY ARE WE EVEN DISCUSSING THIS?!!

There’s nothing I love better in my leisure time than a warm day at a ballpark with a weird beer

Mmmmm, it’s 100 degrees and I’ve got a bottle of Brown Skid Lager in my hand. Good day. LOFTY day.

but I don’t know if I’d have that same feeling if I lived in Overland Park, Kan.

Now Wichita? That’s a whole other story.

Congrats to the UConn women’s basketball team, on the occasion of the Huskies’ 88th straight win, tying the UCLA men’s team for the longest winning streak in the history of college basketball.

They didn’t tie the men’s streak. It’s not the same sport. You may as well say they tied a record in fucking windsurfing, because comparing the two is stupid.

Don’t know which streak for sure was tougher to achieve

The men’s. It was the men’s. Trust me.

— my guess is men’s teams two generations ago were more competitive than many of the teams this UConn dynasty has faced — but that’s being picky.

No, that’s being accurate.

It’s a terrific achievement.

If you read Jezebel.

Coffeenerdness: Back to the nine espresso shots between 6:30 a.m. Sunday and 3 a.m. Monday routine. That can’t be good.


Beernerdness: Debuting the new category today, by popular demand.

Peter, tell me more about Carl Crawford and your love of Killian’s Irish Red!

I won’t use it every week, because there will be some weeks when I have either no beer or boring beer and won’t waste your time.

But that’s ALL you do.

This week was a good week for beer variety, because I had the weirdest-named beer of my life (Clown Shoes Brewery Eagle Claw Fish Imperial Amber Ale, from Massachusetts — a little yeasty for me)

Felt a bit like clownilingus.

(Joe Webb) said the best advice he got about tonight was the simplest, from Brett Favre. Just be you. Just play the way you play.

Just go out there and disregard the playcalls and throw picks if you like!

C l u e s o n h o w h e m i g h t d o ? Well, with 10” hands…

You can grab my nuggets anytime.

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