BREAKING: Generals Like To Bone Too, Apparently

11.13.12 3 Comments

We here at UPROXX typically choose to leave the doings of the U.S. military out of normal umbrella of coverage, but the Petraeus sex scandal thing has gone absolutely H.A.M. to the point where it’s the talk of the internet, and there are just too many LOLs to be had from the whole thing to ignore it. The lede of this New York Times piece on the scandal’s latest development — in which another general gets sucked in to the gooey mess — says it all.

Gen. John R. Allen, the top American and NATO commander in Afghanistan, is under investigation for what a senior defense official said early Tuesday was “inappropriate communication” with Jill Kelley, the woman in Tampa, Fla., who was seen as a rival for David H. Petraeus’s attentions by Paula Broadwell, who had an extramarital affair with Mr. Petraeus.


What the lede leaves out is that the “inappropriate communication” General Allen engaged in with this Jill Kelley woman — not to be confused with porn star Jill Kelly — are 20,000 to 30,000 pages of dirty emails. I guess overseeing a war in a foreign country leaves lots of time for sexting! Who knew?!

Also revealed last night: a right-wing FBI agent investigating the Petraeus affair — some think with the intent of trying to damage the president — became so obsessed with this Jill Kelley woman that he sent her shirtless pictures of himself and is at the center of the whole thing. Because of course he is!

Reports the Wall Street Journal:

The FBI agent who started the case was a friend of Jill Kelley, the Tampa woman who received harassing, anonymous emails that led to the probe, according to officials. Ms. Kelley, a volunteer who organizes social events for military personnel in the Tampa area, complained in May about the emails to a friend who is an FBI agent. That agent referred it to a cyber crimes unit, which opened an investigation.

However, supervisors soon became concerned that the initial agent might have grown obsessed with the matter, and prohibited him from any role in the investigation, according to the officials.

One official said the agent in question sent shirtless photos to Ms. Kelley well before the email investigation began, and FBI officials only became aware of them some time later.

Horny generals! Horny biographers! Horny social secretaries! Horny FBI agents! Everyone is fucking everyone! It’s all so confusing! We’re all going to need the most important Thai animation video of our time to help us sort this sticky mess out.

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