Presenting The All-Hype Glory Boy Team

10.11.12 5 years ago 104 Comments

A general manager recently gave a rather astringent – and completely anonymous – assessment of the struggling Detroit Lions to Pro Football Weekly that touched off a bit of a flap. Beyond the expected dogging of the Lions’ one-dimensional passing attack, the GM ripped into what is thought by most to be Detroit’s strength: its defensive front.

They don’t have enough good players, and the players they think are good are not that good,” the GM said. “Suh belongs on the All-Hype team. (DE Cliff) Avril is not that good — put on any game and you can watch him get blocked time and time again. Corey Willliams is solid, but nothing that wows you or makes you wonder how you are going to block him. The other guy (DE Kyle Vanden Bosch) is a try-hard guy getting up in years that does not really threaten you. For as much as people talk about that D-line and all its depth, where are all the players?

This led to Suh questioning the anonymous GM’s manhood for not having the courage to speak on the record. Which is understandable, but doesn’t take away from the fact that Suh is an ALL-HYPE GLOREEEEEE BOY.

Reading through this exchange, we couldn’t help but wonder who is with Suh on the All-Hype Glory Boy team. Since there is no real answer because it’s a fictional thing that a GM made up to insult Suh, we decided to make one.

Before creating the roster, it helps to define who an All-Hype Glory Boy is. Obviously, it is a player whose name you are unable to escape, either because he draws attention to himself or the media cannot help but drone on about him endlessly. While the All-Hype Glory Boy title is generally a pejorative, those included need not actually be bad or disappointing players, though it certainly helps. As does a reputation for selfish, stupid and reckless play. Most of all, it’s a player who the media tries very hard to convince us is amazing that there’s no possible way that player could live up to his billing.

Of course, this exercise is, by nature, a concession to the type of person who enjoys chiding players for not being good, obedient football automatons. We’re not proud of that aspect of it. Like most discussions best suited for sports talk radio, these designations are almost completely subjective bullsh*t. Still, subjective bullsh*t can be fun sometimes, which is why people mindlessly flock to it time and again. Yay, retrograde behavior!

On we go!

QB: Tony Romo
RB: Chris Johnson
WRs: Dez Bryant, Brandon Marshall, DeSean Jackson
TE: Rob Gronkowski

LT: Michael Oher
LG: Richie Incognito
C: Maurkice Pouncey
RG: Chris Snee
RT: Gosder Cherilus

DT: B.J. Raji
DT: Ndamukong Suh
DE: Osi Umenyiora
DE: Mario Williams

LB: Bart Scott
LB: Ray Lewis
LB: Brian Orakpo

CB: Antonio Cromartie
CB: DeAngelo Hall
FS: LaRon Landry
SS: Bernard Pollard

K: Sebastian Janikowski
P: Steve Weatherford
ST: Tim Tebow

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