All 48 pages of dialogue can be found here, but after piecing this together KSK has learned that the entire script for the upcoming “Entourage” movie was hidden within the Richie Incognito-Jonathan Martin text messaging saga. Consider this your **SPOILER ALERT**.
*****
[Interior: Actor Vincent Chase’s Malibu beachfront house. His brother, Johnny Drama, is cooking breakfast, while the rest of the boys sit around the bar discussing the events of last night.]
Drama: You fucking ass… I should be destroying that [redacted] vag
Vince: I’m sorry I have puss swinging from my nuts.
Drama: That [redacted] sister was a major hater
Eric “E” Murphy: Yeah she was
Drama: I thought we were in like flint last night. I told those bitches i didn’t want to go to social b/c I’m hookin up with that chick that works there. I was too drunk to make up lies
Turtle: Haha yeah whatever the brunette was such a buzz kill… The other two were down tho had we got them back to the crib
Vince: She was so salty b/c no one was talking to her. 3rd wheel buzzkill
[Interior: A South Beach hotel room, currently in a state of disarray. The boys are in town as guests of Ari, who’s trying to sign LeBron James as a client, an invitation Vinny plans to parlay into hooking up with coeds. Drama and Turtle are fighting over the remote. Drama wants to watch cartoons. Turtle wants to order a porno.]
E: What time u headed to the tail gate
Vince: Going now
Drama: There is going to be sooo much puss there
Vince: Yeah… The tail gate I’m going to is being thrown by a UM frat
E: U wearing UM gear?
Vince: Lol no
Ari [to Turtle]: FYI. U look like an aids patient with a shaved head
Turtle: Haha fck you bitches love it
Drama: Bitches don’t love aids
Turtle: True but they can’t resist the buzz cut
[Interior: Ari’s office. The boys are waiting while Ari pitches Vince new scripts he’s read. Vince is looking for a wholesome part to boost his image, trying to quell some of that negative PR he received after being spotted on the scene in Miami when Justin Bieber was arrested.]
Turtle: U down for t’s
E: Nah I’m grossed out by prostitutes
Drama: Haha! U cunt
Drama: They’re strippers who go the extra mile
E: That’s an interesting way to put it, but loose vaginas that get pounded by multiple cocks everyday don’t do it for me
Drama: They don’t get pounded all day. How many people do you know willing to drop $700. We’re dumb enough to spend it. Not everybody get the VIP treatment.
Turtle: I can hear the wheels spinning in ur head
E: You might be right
[Gets a call from Sloan]
E: Haha shut up
Drama: It’s good 4 u
E: Nah all I can picture is the std slide show…That shit scarred me
[Exterior: Vinny’s Malibu beach house. It’s mid-day, and the boys lounging around in the sand, shooting bottle rockets at seagulls, and discussing the events of the night before. Drama had gone out to the clubs with Ian Ziering, hoping to land a part in his new post-apocalyptic spring break indie movie he wrote with Matthew Perry.]
Vince: How was bamboo?
Drama: Really fun
Drama: Lots of dudes came through
Turtle: Haha! Lots of dudes? Ur into dudes… I knew it
Drama: Haha that sounded suspect… What I mean is there were a ton of guys from the team there
E: You went to T’s right?
Drama: Yea. It was dead. Hung for a bit and took off
Ari: Was it all black people at bamoboo?
Drama: Yeah… And Chandler lol
Vince: Hahaha! How were the chicks?
Drama: Some really hot ones, but tons of hood rats too
Ari: Barf
[Interior: Vinny’s Malibu beachfront house, several hours later. The boys are looking for Drama, who was supposed to make crab legs for dinner. Upstairs they hear a terrified groan, and realize Drama is still hungover from last night.]
Drama: I’m not gonna make it to dinner… I’m shitting chocolate pudding every 10 min
[Interior: Vinny’s Malibu beachfront house. The boys are running an experiment to see what happens when you microwave silverware. Vince calls on his way to the airport, where he’s heading out to film a cameo in The Town 2: Town Hahdah. He’s on speakerphone. Drama is wearing a flat bill, and a t-shirt with a picture of a flat bill.]
Turtle: Have fun with those scalawags
Drama: Don’t miss ur flight
Vince: Fsho. U left?
[Drama had a date last night, and is supposed to meet up with Kristen Stewart again this evening]
Drama: She was terrible at blow jobs, but I still busted all over her haha
Turtle: Nice!!!
Vince: How much was that room?
[Drama used Vince’s credit card]
Drama: 199
Drama: I got the worst hand job ever! My wein is so chaffed right now
Vince: Hahaha
Turtle [Puts two handfulls of forks into the microwave, sets timer for ten minutes]: I’m a chemical engineer. LOL
E: Lol that was funny
[Interior: Ari’s office. He’s on the phone with Vince, who’s packing for a trip to Vegas with the boys.]
Ari: Yo you flying into Vegas Thursday?
Vince: Yea, 3;30
Ari: Ok cool. I’m getting in Friday, I got a meeting that morning. When you leaving, Monday?
Vince: Friday…. R u fucking serious
[Ari wasn’t invited]
Ari: Yup… Don’t worry I know I still gotta pay for hookers lol
Vince: Don’t forget the cocaine too
Drama [listening in on the other line]: No dude hookers u faggot
Ari: I gotta get at least one for [name redacted]
[We’re assuming E]
Drama: Don’t blame ur gay tendancies on [name redacted]
Ari: I’m gonna get more bitches in 2 nights than all of you combined
Drama: Stop it. By bitches u mean cocks in ur mouth
Ari [to an intern walking into his office]: U fucking mulatto liberal bitch
Drama: I’m going to shit in ur eye
Ari: Goodnight slut
Ari [realizes E is listening too]: Tell ur squirting sister I said hi
E: Ah yes I missed being demeaned by you boys lol… Can’t wait for this weekend
[Interior: A trendy L.A. restaurant. After The Town 2: Town Hahdah bombed at the box office, Vince is meeting with Ari to break the news he’s thinking about shopping for a new agent. Of course, he’s got his boys in tow. Turtle is sporting a new haircut. His bangs are gelled into the shape of a flat bill.]
Vince: Hahaha
Drama: I barely remember anything
Turtle: Did u bang that chick?
Drama: She had work in the morning. I will tho
Ari: Hahahaha Don’t make excuses for not closing
Drama: What’s the name of your Pilates place?
Lloyd: Pro Pilates Ask for Tonka
[Exterior: A seedy warehouse. Sick of the Hollywood limelight, and free of his agent’s shackles, Vince is once again turning to his old friend Billy Walsh, who’s just finished writing a new movie — a love story about an opiate-addicted Occupy Wall Street protester who falls in love with an asexual street performer. He wants Vince for the lead. The boys are reluctant, but go along with it. Drama is bummed because he’s got crabs. Turtle is in business for himself again, and driving the company vehicle — a van with a flat bill on top. They’re waiting outside.]
Billy Walsh: Bro. I was so fucking drunk last night
Billy Walsh: Brought some random chick back to my parents house lol
Vince: Hahahaha That’s awesome
[Interior: A villa in Utah. Vinny’s new movie he did with Billy premiered at Sundance to rave reviews. Several studios are in a bidding war over the rights. The boys are lounging around in the living room, shoveling weed into the fireplace by the handful. Drama covered the chimney with a flatscreen TV. They’re gonna hotbox the shit out of the room. Turtle is still wearing his flat bill footie PJs.]
Drama: You get any puss last night ?
Vince: Nah. I wasn’t up there long. I was talking to this smoking hot chick from [redacted]. Her friends were blockin tho
E: That’s annoying… Were you solo ?
Vince: [redacted] showed up 9doobies deep. I hung with them for a bit then bounced
Drama: Oh aight
E: How was yetty’s?
Vince: Cool, [redacted] came through
Turtle: I ended up making a 3 am ihop run solo haha
Drama: Hahahaha ha U fat fuck
E: Total stoner move
[Interior: Vinny’s Malibu beachfront house. He’s alone, having spent the week by himself in a funk after the studios all passed on Billy’s movie. Apparently the director threatening to napalm the house of any Hollywood suit who fucked with his project will do that. The boys are out of town, trying to sneak into a shoe release party at Carmello Anthony’s house (Turtle is wearing a flat bill ski mask). Having seen Vince earlier that night, Ari is texting to check up on his former client, now unemployed, sad and alone.]
Ari: Where you at?
Vince: At my house.
Vince: Faded…. Where u at
Ari: At off the hookah somehow
Ari: U got hoes there?
Vince: Nope Are a hot dog Came home solo
Vince: Ate
Ari: Fsho
Vince: 44444 Sho
Ari: Where’s those girls go?
Vince: I D K
[8 hours later]
Vince: Damn… What happened last night. Lol We had those blonde girls on the line then???
Ari: Idk man they disappeared
Ari: Did you get their numbers?
Ari: *get her number
Vince: Nope…. They were prolly freaked out by the ghetto ass club we took them too
Ari: Haha Yeah that’s what I was thinking l
Vince: Last thing I remember is buying a hot dog on the street
Ari: I walked to off the hookah by myself for some reason
Vince: Hahahaha That’s a scummy move
[Interior: the Gold’s sprawling L.A. mansion. Ari is reeling that Vince won’t return any more of his calls or texts. And now his wife is hounding him because they’re late for their daughter’s bat mitzvah. Ari just needs a minute to think.]
Mrs. Ari: Where u at??
Ari: Coming Down now. I had to take a shit
Mrs. Ari: Ok
[Interior: Vinny’s Malibu beachfront house. The boys are sprawled out on couches, recovering from another crazy night. Drama and Turtle discussing the girls they met, as Turtle tries to get a pit bull stoned. The dog’s wearing a flat bill. So is Turtle. Suddenly, the phone rings. It’s Ari. He’s sounding pretty rough, and about to make a pitiful, last-ditch effort to get Vince back as a client.]
Ari: R u alive?
Vince: Yes haha
Turtle [to Drama]: Did u smash that chick?
[Drama shrugs]
Turtle [to Drama]: Idk what happened to that chick with the huge tits
Drama [to Turtle]: [redacted] smashed her. I didn’t smash. A little slap and tickle
Ari: What r u doing tonight?
Vince: Wasn’t planning on anything. You still in sobe?
Ari: Yea. Still down here. I want to slay more pussy
Ari: Last night was epic. Crazy we spent 12k
Drama [to Turtle]: Yea. Cameo f’n sucked tho I heard story was bananas!!
Turtle [to Drama]: Damn we shoulda went there
Ari: Cray cray I wanna slay pussssssy
Ari: Bring ur ass down here
Vince: Nah I’m chillin man I’m tired af
Ari: U pusss
Ari: I got those chicks from last night lined up. Lets go eat with them and bang their mouths
Ari: We’re going to be locked away all week. We need to get pusssssss
Vince: Which chicks?
Ari: The chick I hooked up with. Trying to get her to bring a friend. Grab food and drinks. Nothing crazy
Ari: Y or n. setting it up now
Ari: We can always ditch them
Vince: Nah I’m tired bro I’m just gonna kick it
Ari: Ur a puuuusssssssy
Ari: Pussy
Ari: Pussy
Vince: Pussy U are no longer my road dog
[Vince has fired Ari, once and for all.]
[Interior: Vinny’s Malibu beachfront house, several hours later. The boys are in bed. A camera pans across Drama, sleeping to the sounds of a Richard Grieco acting/self-help audiobook. Turtle is in his sneaker shaped bed. His sheets have flat bills on them. Vince is banging a girl on the pool table downstairs. His phone rings. Guess who?]
Ari:
[Exterior: An awards ceremony, two years later. Vince is walking the red carpet. The Oscars. After finally securing a studio willing to take a chance on Billy, the movie became the talk of Hollywood. Vince just took home best actor. The boys are there with him. Drama is arm-in-arm with Lisa Ann. Turtle is solo, but he’s dressed to the nines. His top hat has a flat bill. E is there too, as Vince’s new agent, and things are looking up for the boys. Suddenly, E’s phone buzzes.]
E: What’s up with this?
[Hold’s out phone showing “EXCLUSIVE: IS VINNY CHASE GAY?” tweet from TMZ]
Drama: I got nothing to do with it man I haven’t said anything to anyone
Ryan Seacrest [eavesdropping]: I heard it’s all coming from Ur agent?
[The boys realize Ari is pulling another one of his stunts. A helicopter suddenly drops down out of nowhere. Steven Segal is piloting. Everyone hops in the chopper. This story isn’t over yet.]
[A Jay-Z song plays]
[Fade to black]