The GOP Presidential Field Gets A Sexy New Candidate

09.14.11 6 years ago 90 Comments

Wolf Blitzer: Welcome back to the CNN/Tea Party Republican Party Presidential Debate. I’m your host, Wolf Blitzer, and before we start this evening, I’d like to introduce you to our candidates. First, we have Texas governor Rick Perry.

Perry: Hello. (executes six innocent black prisoners) Glad to be here.

Blitzer: And former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney.

Romney: (says nothing, lest any slip-up causes his fundraising cash to dry up)

Blitzer: And Alan Keyes!

Herman Cain: I’m Herman Cain.

Blitzer: Oh, right. And Minnesota Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann.

Bachmann: Hello! (keeps gun inside her vagina)

Blitzer: And Ron Paul.

Paul: These debates are a waste of money. As is this podium.

Blitzer: And I won’t bother introducing Newt Gingrich because he died five weeks ago. Now, I’d like to start off the debate with a question for Mr. Romney.

Romney: (shakes head vigorously)

Blitzer: You don’t want to talk? Are you sure? We’re on live television.

Romney: (nods vigorously)

Blitzer: Okay. Well then, the first question will be for you, Congressman Paul. You have spoken out many times against any government interference in the health care industry. Recently, a man died of a toothache because he lacked proper medical insurance. If you had a loved one who was sick but couldn’t afford insurance, do you think it’s right for the government to let them potentially die as a result?

(door flies open)

Sex Cannon: Tell you what I’d do. I’d fuck the toothache right out them.

Blitzer: Who are you?

Sex Cannon: Oh, I’m sorry. I forgot that you’re a bearded gash. I should have known better. The Sex Cannon can always throw the ball over the Blitzer. I guess you missed all the action on Sunday, WHEN I SINGLEHANDEDLY RESURRECTED THE DORMANT REDSKINS FRANCHISE WITH MY ENORMOUS ARM AND EVEN ENORMOUSER FUCK WAND. You don’t see Johnny Beck bending the Giants over and plugging them in both holes, now do you?

Bachmann: Excuse me, but who is this REPULSIVE man?

Sex Cannon: Whoa hey, look at you, honey! You are somethin’ to look at. WELL WELL WELL MY MICHELLE. You got those crazy eyes, and crazy eyes mean CRAZY FOR COCK. I bet when you walk in the bedroom, Jesus walks out. How’d you like a hard yard of Rex doing a little Congressional probing?

Bachmann: I’ll have you know I’m happily married.

Sex Cannon: (looks over to her husband) Holy shit, you’re married to THAT guy? AHAHAHAHA. Sweetheart, I hate to tell you this, but that guy’s had more cocks inside him than a Perdue slaughterhouse. DROP THE FAG AND GET WITH THE STAG. You and me, we’d make quite a ticket. Picture it: Me, in the Oval Office, signing the bill that legalizes prostitution and executes anyone who wears a promise ring. And you, under my desk, giving me the oral pleasure I so desperately need to make tough decisions. Your spittle will be the jizzy lube of American progress.

Blitzer: Mr. Grossman, are you saying you’d like to enter this race?

Sex Cannon: Goddamn right I would. I have a platform. And on that platform are strippers and lesbians fisting each other. In one week, I have done more to change Washington than any man in history. I have made this team better. Hungrier. Sexier. FUCKIER. I have brought hope. I have returned the Redskins back to their former glory, and now I will do the same for America.

Blitzer: What do you propose?

Sex Cannon: First off all: NO SALES TAX ON HOOKER PURCHASES. And no sales tax on anything sex-related: sexy toys, sexy movies, sexy lingerie, sexy boats that people take out to sea so they can fuck on the bow. And I’m going to get every American back to work by getting them back to hardcore fucking. All hooking? LEGAL. All gigoloing? LEGAL. All animal crossbreeding? LEGAL AND KINDA KINKY.

Romney: That kind of talk is an affront to our moral values.

Sex Cannon: O RLY? I shoulda known you’d be against it, Mormon Boy. I bet you’re still sad that I beat out your Nightgown Brother for the starting gig. Hey, don’t blame me. It’s not my fault that your boy lacked the ENGORGED ARM needed to save this city.

(fumbles snap)

Blitzer: What about your stand on foreign relations?

Sex Cannon: Oh, I am all for it. British relations. French relations. Vietnamese relations. Russian relations. Ecudorian relations. Smurf relations. This is no isolationist penis, Wolf. You get me on Cock Force One, and I will personally normalize the shit out of relations with every country on this globe. And anyone who doesn’t cooperate will see the full force of our American penile might. YOU ARE EITHER WITH MY PENIS OR YOU ARE AGAINST IT.

Perry: I’m sorry, but this has gone on long enough. This man is NOT a serious candidate.

Sex Cannon: Oh yeah, Hair Guy? Let me tell you something: I have been through the fire. I was throwing deep to Bernard Berrian before you were hanging on your mom’s Christian tit. You want an experienced candidate? You want a man who has seen things? Oh, I have seen things, like the time I saw these twin high school girls take a pole vault pole and jam both ends right up their…

Blitzer: Does anyone here have a rebuttal for Mr. Grossman’s policies?

Paul: I’m okay with the prostitution thing.

Sex Cannon: Finally! Someone sees my way of doing things. And let me tell you about these banks. There aren’t gonna be anymore bank bailouts under Sexident Grossman. I will not bail out any bank. I WILL BAIL OUT VIRGINS. I will send a five-star hooker or gigolo to every last American who needs one. Even kids. THEY INSTILL CONFIDENCE.

Crowd: Booooooo…

Sex Cannon: Oh, so you’d just let a virgin die a virgin?

Crowd: Yes!

Sex Cannon: You people are fucked, and not in a good way.

Bachmann: I think I’d be more comfortable if Mr. Grossman left the dais.

Sex Cannon: Oh, I bet you would. I bet it makes you real uncomfortable right now, standing here before a REAL MAN with a REAL BONER. I get it. You’re not ready for it just yet. That’s okay. Take your time. Go home and stretch that pussy if you need to. I know you got lots of kids and it’s pretty loose down there, but I guess you need more seasoning. Wait, don’t you have a bunch of foster kids? Those kids are good for yard work. We can get them to clean the sheets after I’m through “vetting” you.

Blitzer: You’re gonna have to leave, Mr. Grossman.

Sex Cannon: Don’t be fooled by these fraud candidates! There’s only one choice for you if you love America and you love long, hard, ropey passes that shoot out from me like a two-week jizz buildup! YOU KNOW REX IS THE MAN AMERICA HAS BEEN WAITING FOR. I’ll be naked in the steam room when you’re ready! Show them the logo!

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