The KSK Haterometer: Mel Kiper Jr.

04.21.09 9 years ago 114 Comments

We at KSK pride ourselves on being experts on all things hateful. There isn’t a feeling of anger, malice, or burning ire that we haven’t experienced and then cataloged for future use. It’s our job at this site to keep your hate fresh and nubile. To that end, I’d like to introduce the KSK Haterometer, in which we debate with ourselves who in the world of football is worth our unbridled scorn, and who is not, and let YOU make the final decision as to who is hateworthy. Play along with us now, as we consider the case for and the case against hating this week’s subject: Mel Kiper Jr.

The Case Against Hating Mel Kiper Jr.

I personally enjoy Mel Kiper Jr.’s work. If it were up to me, ESPN’s coverage of the draft would consist of nothing but Mike Tirico as host and Kiper as sole analyst. I don’t need any of the other 37 assholes ESPN has wandering around the set. I don’t need Merril Hoge breaking down tape in a horrible suit and then making some retarded pronouncement. I don’t need Stuart Scott verbally tonguing the assholes of every draftee he comes into contact with. I don’t need a fucking roundtable of current players. I don’t need any of that shit.

Mel Kiper works his entire year for this one day. Let him fucking have it to himself. I don’t think there’s any danger of Mel running out of shit to say. You bring up some third string running back from Carson Newman and Mel can go on and on about him for seventeen minutes. “Jamal Woolsley. Good kid. He’s a banger, Mike. Likes contact. Not afraid of contact. Benched over 400 pounds in Indianapolis. Not a breakaway threat like a Knowshon Moreno. He’s probably gonna start out on special teams. But I think he could be a decent change of pace back for a team that needs shoring up at that position. He could backup A FRANK GORE, or A STEVE SLATON. Still needs to work on catching the ball out of the backfield, though. Also a bad sport when playing Monopoly. You like to see that kinda fire in a kid. But I expect more poise from the young man when he lands on my Pennsylvania Avenue and I CLEAN OUT HIS SHIT.”

Does Mel really know all this shit about every player? Probably not. But he sure sounds like he does, and that’s good enough for me. What I like about Kiper is how much he really, truly cares about the draft. He’s genuinely passionate, and more interested in the draft itself that how he looks while presenting the draft, which I think sets him apart from every other dipshit on the set. He’s firm in his opinions without being insufferable about it. He has a sense of humor about himself, even when some dicksmack is joking about his hair for the 7,000th time (Hey, it looks like a helmet! Mel’s never heard that before!).

I’m all right with Mel Kiper Jr.

The Case For Hating Mel Kiper Jr.

Fuck Mel Kiper Jr. FUCK THAT BALTIMORE ASSHOLE RIGHT IN THE FUCKING EYE. Every year I gotta see that fucking graphic. “Mel’s Best Available”? The fuck do you know, prick? YOU’RE MAKING IT UP AS YOU GO ALONG.

Hey Mel, I got a good prospect for you: my hairy balls slapping you in your big stupid face. Eat shit, cumgargler.

Now it’s your turn. Rate your hate for Mel on a scale of 0 (no hate) to 10 (rape hate). As Leitch might say, do you like the Kiper? Do you not like the Kiper?

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