Say It Ain’t So, Cornholio: Venezuela Is Running Out Of Toilet Paper

05.17.13 10 Comments

Man, Hugo Chavez dies and the whole country goes to sh*t…and there’s not much toilet paper left to clean up the mess.

First milk, butter, coffee and cornmeal ran short. Now Venezuela is running out of the most basic of necessities — toilet paper.

Blaming political opponents for the shortfall, as it does for other shortages, the embattled socialist government says it will import 50 million rolls to boost supplies.

That was little comfort to consumers struggling to find toilet paper on Wednesday.

“This is the last straw,” said Manuel Fagundes, a shopper hunting for tissue in downtown Caracas. “I’m 71 years old and this is the first time I’ve seen this.”

One supermarket visited by The Associated Press in the capital on Wednesday was out of toilet paper. Another had just received a fresh batch, and it quickly filled up with shoppers as the word spread.

“I’ve been looking for it for two weeks,” said Cristina Ramos. “I was told that they had some here and now I’m in line.”

Okay, people of Venezuela, as someone who is notoriously bad about forgetting to get toilet paper at the store when he’s out, allow me to share a few tips with you.

– Paper towels and dinner napkins are your friend. Sure, they can be a little courser than you’re probably used to on your precious bottom, but they get the job done.

– Wet wipes, if you have any laying around, are OUTSTANDING ass-wiping tools. In fact, you should keep some around for extra security at all times anyway, to use to pass over your butthole after you’ve wiped with standard toilet paper.

– If worst comes to worst, just get in the shower after you do your business, spread your butt cheeks and let water run all down there and wash things out. Of course, not having running water may be a problem.

Now I can’t help but imagine the Great Cornholio running all around Venezuela yelling, “I need TP for my bunghole!”

(HT: David Grann. Pic via Shutterstock)

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