Sorry Virginia, Politicians Don’t Want You Getting Your D*ck Sucked Or Vagina Tongue-Tickled

07.22.13 4 years ago 22 Comments

A Republican (but, of course!) gubernatorial candidate and current attorney general from the backwards state of Virginia wants your vote and he knows just how to get it: by making it illegal to do fun stuff with your mouth.

If elected, “Tea Party hero” Ken Cuccinelli has pledged to bring back a revised version of the now-defunct (thank you, Supreme Court) Crimes Against Nature law. The misleading “Anti-Child Predators Law” will prohibit both anal and oral sex between consenting heterosexual and homosexual couples. Why? Because Ken Cuccinelli has obviously never had his knob slobbed before. Ha! If only it were that simple! Actually, the candidate wants to ban mouthy and backdoor sexytime because child predators and eww, homosexuals.

You see, Cuccinelli thinks banning sodomy – anal and oral sex – all together under the “Anti-Child Predators Law” will help keep kids safe because what you do consensually in your bedroom has everything to do with children being kidnapped and raped.

“But wait, isn’t molesting and raping children already illegal?”

Why, yes they are, kind reader!

“So why the need for the Anti-Child Predators law prohibiting consensual sexual activities?”

My only guess is because Virginia wants to one up Florida, its sister-in-idiocy state. And oh yea, Ken Cuccinelli is notoriously anti-gay*.

Cuccinelli has yet to tell anyone how he plans to enforce the unconstitutional law if elected but I’m guessing it would probably involve officers gestapo-ing their way into homes in the middle of the night, hoping to catch citizens in the middle of or post-oral and/or anal coitus. Who knows! But when he does enforce the law, if caught, prepare to be charged with a felony and spend a year in prison, where you’ll probably end up being raped. Oh hey, irony! ‘Sup?

* — $10 says he gets caught being the bottom to another man’s top in the near future.

Photo: Getty

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