Awful Bureaucracy, Extinction Level Events, and Lady Gaga
11.4 The Cooler

Holiday Movie Guide

By 11.04.10

There are tons of movies coming out this holiday.  So, instead of worrying about how to avoid talking to your family at the theater, we’re doing the job for you; weeding out the boring dramas, kid’s movies, lame sequels, and foreign movies that are probably really good but, let’s face it, aren’t going to run in your area in a million years.  So here’s the best of what you can catch.


Starring: Robert Downey Jr. and Zach Galifinakis
Plot: A wacky duo has to cross hundreds of miles of terrain to get to a birth.  Which sounds very ’80s.
Why It Made the List: That cast, plus director Todd Phillips, who directed “The Hangover”.  This promises to be a hoot.

Starring: Will Ferrel
Plot: A supervillain finally beats his nemesis…and discovers that he kind of liked not running a city.
Why It Made the List: The concept alone is great, and it looks like this is a Dreamworks comedy with a script that doesn’t think pop culture references are the highest form of humor.

Starring: Eric Balfour and Donald Faison.
Plot: Aliens decide to stop abducting us one at a time and just start hoovering up everybody they can find.
Why It Made the List: Made for $20 million by Hydraulx, an SFX company, this looks  like a cross between a big-budget Hollywood spectacle, with 800 effects shots, and a low-budget indie, as it was primarily shot in the apartment complex where the director lives.  So either it’ll be surprisingly good or the best SyFy original movie ever made.

Full Title: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 1
Starring: Every British actor that’s remotely recognizable.
Plot: Harry and Hermione discover their sexuality while trapped on a desert island.  It’s a bit of a departure from the books.
Why It Made the List: So we don’t have to hear from Harry Potter fans, and it’d be kind of a glaring omission anyway.  Plus these movies have actually been consistently good.

Starring: Dwayne Johnson
Plot: Dwayne Johnson drives a muscle car and punches people.  Then possibly shoots them.
Why It Made the List: You did read the plot summary?
[NOTE: Apparently, MGM can’t be bothered to have a trailer on YouTube. Have a hilariously bad fan trailer instead.]

Starring: Chris Hemsworth and Jeffrey Dean Morgan
Plot: A ragtag group of teens get slaughtered by highly trained Russian and Chinese troops, who for some reason are invading Colorado.
Why It Made the List: This movie was ridiculous even back in the ’80s, and incredibly, it seems the remake has just copy-pasted the plot, as if the Chinese and Russians want to invade us.  This promises to be the most unintentionally funny movie of the year.

Starring: Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis
Plot: A prima ballerina goes slowly insane under the pressures of starring in “Swan Lake”, while fighting a rival who may not exist.  And who she has “aggressive lesbian sex” with.
Why It Made the List: Come for the aggressive lesbian sex, stay for…OK, the aggressive lesbian sex.  But also to see Darren Aronofsky, a modern film master and really cool dude, at work.

Starring: Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp
Plot: A dude gets hit on by Angelina Jolie.  Needless to say, it’s not because she likes him, so he gets shot at.  A lot.
Why It Made the List: Basically, it’s Johnny Depp being thrown into an action movie,  so it’s going to be funny as hell.  Plus, Angelina Jolie seems to wear less and less each movie she’s in.  This comes off like a cross between a Bond movie and “The Accidental Tourist”, and we can’t wait to see how it pays off.

Starring: Garret Hegelund, Bruce Boxenleiter, and Jeff Bridges
Plot: Flynn’s son decides to follow in dear old Dad’s footsteps, only to discover things have gotten even weirder in the Tronverse
Why It Made the List: If you have to even ask this, go see the original “Tron”.

Starring: Reese Witherspoon, Paul Rudd, Owen Wilson, and Jack Nicholson
Plot: Reese Witherspoon, Paul Rudd, and Owen Wilson in a love triangle.  Jack Nicholson proceeds to show them how it’s done, before being stabbed to death by Witherspoon’s chin.
Why It Made the List: It’s directed by James L. Brooks, comedy god, so it’ll at least be funny.  Besides, there had to be one movie on the list you could take your girlfriend to.

Starring: Matt Damon, Josh Brolin, and Jeff Bridges
Plot: A U.S. Marshal in the old West helps a young girl find her father’s killer.
Why It Made the List: Two words: Coen Brothers.
And that’s it for the fun movies. There should be enough on here to avoid the inevitable awards bait and nauseating children’s films. Otherwise, good luck, godspeed, and remember, there are plenty of places to hide a flask in a winter parka.


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