Every day — at least three times, often four — I emerge from my dark blogging cave to walk up the street to my neighborhood coffee house to indulge in a cup of piping hot caffeinated goodness, some face-to-face interaction with other human beings, and a little fresh air. And each time that I do this I pass a house with a fenced-in yard where a smallish, yappity yellow dog resides — a dog whose sole purpose in life appears to be to harass at me whenever I walk innocently by in pursuit of my caffeine fix. Almost always and without fail, this dog will see me coming from down the block and race to the fence to greet me with growls, barks and menacing displays of sharp teeth. Mind you, I’ve never done anything to antagonize this particular dog, and animals of all stripe typically take well to me. But for whatever reason this dog likes to f*ck with me — and its owner swears that I’m the only person the dog acts in such a way toward.
With that said, a few weeks ago I was making one of my coffee runs when I happened upon the aforementioned dog when it was in the middle of taking a sh*t and suddenly everything changed. Gone was its typical scowl and confident posture, replaced instead by an arched back, squinted eyes, a bowed head, and a general feeling of shame and emasculation. Sensing the opportunity to seize upon something great, I walked over to the sh*tting mongrel, pointed at it and laughed directly into its face. Ever since that day the dynamic of the relationship I have with that dog has changed. I watched it poop and it knows it. I am now in the position of power.
Aside from all that, this incident served as a reminder of how the look of shame on a pooping dog’s face is one of the funniest things there is in life. The expression on every dog’s face when it notices a human watching it take a dump roughly translates to the following: “Oh great — this as$hole’s watching me go number two. Just great. Why do I have to do this outside in pubic while the cat gets to go in a covered box in a corner of the goddamn laundry room?! And oh FABULOUS…here’s comes that cute little Pomeranian from down the street. FML. And now my owner is gonna pick up my hot, wet dooky with his hand wrapped in a plastic shopping bag. Just freakin’ GREAT!” Yes, even the biggest, baddest dog in town is hilariously emasculated by the act of pooping.
So for the past few weeks I’ve been saving photos of dogs pooping I’ve run across (Yes, I often do just randomly stumble across such pics on the internet…it’s a living) into a photo on my desktop to place in a gallery of dogs looking ashamed to be pooping. And since this week is one of the more hellishly slow weeks on the internet, I figured now’s as good a time as any to post them. So consider this my Christmas present to you, dear UPROXX reader. Feel free to thank me in the comments.