It’s been a while since we last checked in on possible white affluence performance artist Gwyneth Paltrow — too long in fact. It’s as if everyone’s favorite insufferable celebrity monster has been laying low preparing to wow us with one giant “WTF?!” so utterly ridiculous that there will be no doubt left in anyone’s mind that she’s either the most brilliant thespian of our time or the most impossibly un-self-aware person to ever walk the planet. Hmmm, I wonder which one it is…
Yes, today brought the launch of “Goop City,” a $3.99 iPhone app in which Gwyneth gives virtual tours of her favorite cities for the 1% — the only people who could possibly afford them. I swear, I am not making this up.
I have always dreamed of finding a city guide that would be just right for me, like a trusted friend whose opinion you knew you could count on. After years of being steered in the wrong direction by bribed concierges, biased opinions and just plain bad suggestions, I decided to create what I had been missing: The goop City Guide! We begin with New York City and you can expect many more over the coming months. This app will be your resource for the tried and tested of the best and coolest of Manhattan (and Brooklyn, and a bit of Queens, the Bronx and New Jersey). After a lot of careful curation and hard work, our first ever app (that will update from time to time with the freshest, most cutting-edge info) is ready for purchase on the App Store!
If that wasn’t enough to strike your fancy, the app includes info on “the most fantastic food cart for a quick snack, the best boutique to find a unique piece for your wardrobe, a beautiful salon where you can get your makeup done, the coolest playground to take your kids to, and the person to call for an at-home blow dry.”
Gwyneth Paltrow on the Eloise Suite at The Plaza: “If the $995 a night price tag is a bit steep, the Eloise store has a dress up section.”
“A bit steep.”
Gwyneth Paltrow on Café Habana: “Very quiet but sometimes very noisy.”
Cafe Habana is ALWAYS noisy.
Gwyneth Paltrow on Bergdorf Goodman: “You won’t find everything but you will find the very best.”
Because why buy a $20 coffee maker when a $700 coffee maker will make the same cup of coffee?
Gwyneth Paltrow on No. 6: “Their vintage selection is key, as, of course, are their famous wooden heeled shoes — a perennial essential.”
Prices at No. 6 usually start at around $495 for a pair of shoes.
Gwyneth Paltrow on Wyeth: “It’s some of the best quality you will find in New York, so be sure to make an appointment. Serious buyers only!”
Wyeth doesn’t even bother to put prices on the stuff featured on their website. It’s THAT expensive.
Gwyneth: “The juices and smoothies (esp. the coconut milk and cacao smoothie) are so delicious that we imbibe them whenever we’re in town.”
Oh for f*ck’s sake who ever uses the word “imbibe” seriously, much less outside of the boozing context?
Gwyneth Paltrow: “St. Marks Bookshop is in NYU territory and so it’s no surprise it stocks a bevvy of scholarly titles in Cultural Theory.”
I’m pretty sure Gwyneth Paltrow has never been to the St. Marks Bookshop.
Gwyn: “Your massage is followed by a plunge into ice-cold water, then scalding hot water, and at the end, your masseuse walks on your back.”
That sounds horrible.
Gwyneth: “You can pretty much find a taxi at any time. All you have to do is walk to the corner and stick your arm out to flag one down.”
Okay, seriously, WHO IS THIS MONSTER?!?!