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‘Can You Draw CatDog Pooping?’: 13 Fascinating Non-Celebrity Reddit AMAs

By / 02.07.12
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For those who don't enjoy wasting the precious time they have before they die on Reddit, "IAMA" and "AMA" stand for "I am a" and "Ask me anything," and they're used when a person will post their profession or what makes them unique, and other users will ask questions concerning their job or rare talent. Have you ever wondered what it's like to be shot? Have you ever wondered what it's like to have sex with your sister? Have you ever wondered what it's like to be Louis C.K.? That's what they're for.

Since more and more casual internet users are learning about Reddit AMAs thanks to the Woody Harrelson AMA train wreck, we thought it might be a good idea to highlight a few that went, well, less train wreck-y than Woody's did.

On the following pages are some of the most interesting (and sic'd) IAMAs and AMAs, excluding any threads hosted by a celebrity (sorry, Cylon #1) and anything too, well, depressing (if you really want to know what it's like to be tortured and raped, you can find it yourself). You can find a full list here, but this should answer all your Medieval Times knight-related questions.

How much of it did you get to keep after taxes?

That was the big kick to the gut. I took the lump sum and after taxes and the lump sum amount I got about 400K. Also, people don't realize that your win counts as income and you are in a much higher bracket so when April rolls around you still owe another 80-100K. That's why you see people go broke within 5 years.

What was the first thing that came to your mind? Also, how old are you? Did you go on a trip?

It felt like I just threw up in my mouth without throwing up. I stopped where I was and kissed the ground. Realizing that I was coming into a large sum of money I took it more as a responsibility then going out and going crazy with the money. Also, I'm 28 and I haven't taken any big trips yet but I did go to Fresno, Ca to visit my in-laws after I won.

If you were to buy out a movie theater for a personal showing, what movie would you choose to play and why?

Tough question. How about a double showing of Ghostbusters then flow right into Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Both originals of course.

(Via)

If you could have anything for dinner right now, what would it be?

I'm not hungry, I just want a gigantic bottle of peche lambic, a xanax and a nap...I won't sleep for days after this...I'm afraid to even pee because my bathroom is right facing the swat guys...I don't know what to make of it but I've thought more now than I have in my entire 23 years of existence and if my mom doesn't have a heart attack from all of this, the first thing I want to do is give her a very big hug and thank her for everything she's done for me.

if I am imagining your situation right, what is the fort you are currently hiding in made out of? pillows? blankets? maybe something more solid like a computer desk or something?

I wish I was in a fort...im on my bed constantly emailing the reporters. I have no sheets because I was in the middle of laundry earlier, and walked out in the hallway to go put sh*t in the dryer when a neighbor told me there was a dead guy on the sidewalk. My ass went back inside, locked all three locks and said fu*k the laundry.

Question: would the shooter be more or less scary if he was wearing a cowboy hat and had a puppy? Also, why didn't you get evacuated?

I wish they'd evacuated me, I don't know why they didn't and I'm sure there'll be time for all that sh*t later...for now I'm trying to stay alive and stay sane...and relatively distracted. The second I stop staring at reddit and responding I think I'll break for sure.

(Via)

It's a metaphor?


So after this is taken care of how will you respond when a women says, "You will never know the pain of child birth."

My doctor said this will likely be just as bad as child birth, and will likely also have the same repercussions(ripping of the anus) This makes me more scared to try to go.

Do you expect, once everything is cleared out, that you will have lost weight as a result of your inability or unwillingness to eat much recently? Do you intend to courtesy flush? Do you have a "green" low flow toilet?

My house is very contemporary, so yes I do have a low flow toilet! That's the least of my worries, if I could get this out of me, I'd go to the bathroom on the kitchen counter. There will be plunging and several courtesy flushes I am sure, hah. I will no doubt be around 10lbs lighter a week following my bm. I've averaged 275 calories for the past 10 days.

(Via)

Did the band make any weird requests before they would agree to play at a venue?

Craziest request , and it's sort of tame really, is one of the band guys liked to have a tray of dirt from the show city so he could rub his shoes in it before going on stage. So every day the wardrobe lady had to go outside and fill up a plastic tray with 'local earth'. Not wild but but a little crazy.

What was it like when James went up in flames from the pyro in Montreal and G&R ran off stage and caused the whole city riot? Did you get to see James' skin bubbling? Get to see any good fights between James and Lars?

That was a horrible time. I was in the office working when the music stopped at a place it shouldn't have. I went to the stage and saw James standing there literally dazed and confused. His arm had flesh blistered and partially hanging from it and his face had burns too. Within a couple of minutes I was in a van with him on the way to hospital so I didn't see the whole G'n'R thing. Although I did go back to the venue later, once James was settled, to meet up with the rest of the band and I saw the results of the riot. A bad night, bad night.

What was the most "Non-Metal" thing that you witnessed?

Whilst backstage at a Kiss concert, after the show myself and a couple of Metallica band guys went into the dressing room to say hello to Kiss guys. There was one of the band members sitting in a robe with huge fluffy bunny slippers on his feet, floppy ears and all. (I don't think they were real bunnies.) That was a fairly non-metal moment.

(Via)

what do you mean by "body removal"?

My company does removal / transfers / shipping. Removal is more for police related deaths includes homicides, suicides, unattended deaths, and suspicious deaths. Transfers are when people have a planned / unplanned death at home or nursing home. Shipping and receiving people at the airport who died while out of country, want to be buried in their country of origin, etc.

Tl;dr: I drive a big black van, wear a black suit, and pick up dead bodies in whatever condition they are in.

Strangest condition/place a body's come to you in/from? And how busy is the average night?

These calls came before I started working here, but they definitely needs mention. There's a pasta factory in the city and one of the workers fell head first into one of the huge grinders. Was found with only his feet sticking up. Another was an a wealthy individual who lived in a 3 story apartment filled with taxidermized large cats (leopard of sorts that was his pet at a time), bears, giant tortoises, etc. He also had a floor dedicated to torture equipment, a large sculpture kind of like Han Solo frozen - only a man with a giant boner. He was found face down in a pile of heroin with a hundred dollar bill.

Most interesting Ive gotten was a suicide in a public park, or the hoarder. Hoarder one was rough. A lot of people die naked, or in their underwear. I learned that pretty quick.

Have you ever found someone in a compromising situation that you couldn't help but laugh at? Like with the porn left on the computers. If you did, is it hard not to laugh or is the job really serious?

Believe me, you have to take this job extremely lightly EXCEPT when you are with families. They entrust you with their loved ones, and you have to treat them as such. That doesn't go to say we dont make a lot of fu*ked up jokes though. Usually the cops will joke around a lot too.

(Via)

How do you know you're not putting the camera on siblings?

we don't. And we don't usually care. Sometimes the most awkward reactions are the best.

What is your most memorable Kiss Cam that you guys encountered?

Either the fat dancing guy or the two college girls that kissed. We used to end every kiss cam with a shot of two players from the opposing team and every once in a while they'd play along and "kiss" for the crowd. That always got a good reaction. We've been banned from doing that anymore.

What's the weirdest thing you've ever put up on the jumbotron?

One time we caught one of the "ice girls" for our hockey team pulling t-shirts out of her top. No kidding. She skated out with two t shirts in her hand, threw them to the crowd, then magically procured two more. We marked it on the replay machine and watched it later and sure enough, she was packing them into her bra.

We've also seen weird marriage proposals. We've seen halftime entertainment go very wrong. We even had a mouse get loose on the ice during a break in a hockey game.

(Via)

How long does it take to trace a location from a call?

BEST QUESTION ON HERE! Okay, so when you call 911 - It's not instant. Sometimes (androids, iphones) it can be near instant - but other times, it takes 2-5 minutes. The first "location" data we get is the cell tower you call from, then any gps coordinates. The cell tower may not even be the nearest available, but it's just the one your 911 call was routed too.

Also, if your phone doesn't have GPS, it can take 30mintues to 24 hours for the phone company to trace it. If you ever call 911, wait for them to say whatever and STATE YOUR LOCATION. That's more important then what is going on. Trust me.

Weirdest Call? Scariest Call?

Some guy thought he broke his GF (like internal bleeding or something)- It was her first time for Sex. Cherry popped...Some guy said he saw our cop car and he didn't see the cop. We couldn't reach him on the radio. It was scary, as the guy kept telling us their was a shooter in the area with an AK47.

What happened to the cop?

He was peeing in the woods.

(Via)

Who's the friendliest pornstar you've worked with?

Ron Jeremy was actually really nice. Especially since he's so big in the industry. Some of the newer people are more snobby or get that "star dive" thing. Milf Hunter was a total coke head. Those types suck to be around.

Do you coordinate the makeup with the fact that it'll be covered in semen?

Yep.

Have you ever been an extra, or anything like that in the videos?

Yes, I have been an extra on a few of Brittaney Starr's films...I usually did behind the scenes, like filming them doing their enemas. Like the film "Limo Bustin Babes" I played the Aunt of a girl that got pulled into a Limo to get fu*ked.

Sickest thing you've seen on set? Or even off set?

In anal scenes they normally don't eat and do an enema. Someone ate...

This is the internet ... details! details!

So basically, she was doing the anal scene, and leaked excrement, and we had to stop all shooting to clean up the mess and such before resuming. It was a horrible day.

(Via)

Do you have any favorite crowd interaction moments that don't involve some moron hopping the barrier?

I got booed all the time, being the bad guy so much, but it was all part of the show. I never actually got mad at anyone unless they were throwing shit into the arena (which happened a lot). If people were booing me, I was doing my job right. The best nights were the nights when everyone in the crowd hated my guts and everyone in the Green section cheered me on. My favorite thing to do was ride along the wall near other sections and wait for someone to boo me really distinctly form the front row. I'd stop my horse dead, turn really slowly and give them the murder-stare. They shrunk away into their seats, everyone else in the crowd laughed and thought it was great, then I'd ride away.

How much action did you get?

Women LOVE horses. I don't know what it is. They see you on a horse, and it doesn't matter what else you have going on. You're in. At the bar upstairs (the KNIGHT CLUB), after the show, it's open season. I MIGHT have banged a princess or two.

What was your favorite weapon that you ever got to use?

My favorite was the big bola. In the new show, only the Green Knight uses it, which is what I did the most, but it's just so terrifying. It's basically a huge ball and chain. The stick is an axe-handle and there are two balls at the end of the chain...That thing was so brutal. You swung it with both hands, and the whole fight was basically you chasing this other guy around the arena beating the shit out of his shield every time he held still. When the bola smashed into the shield, people flipped out. Tons of fun.

(Via)

Did they just let you leave, or did you have to sneak away from it?

I had to sneak out. If you told anyone you were leaving they would throw you out on the street with nothing and not allow you to get your things. Also, I knew my family would try really hard to talk me into staying, and because I love them so much, it would be hard to resist their pleas. So, I packed 4 bags with as many important things/necessities as I could and took everything to work with me that day...

What made you finally get out? Why did it take so long in the first place?

I tried to get out when I was 19 but I was talked in to returning. They use a lot of manipulation techniques, make promises they don't intend to keep. They told us that if we left God was going to kill us. We were raised in fear and completely surrounded with fear constantly. As a result I grew up very fearful of just about everything. We were also taught that the leader was God's anointed and we could never question her or her teachings or we would be killed.

Are the cult leaders harassing or perusing you for leaving? I heard that is the case with some cults. Also, are there things you miss in a cult type living?

I have become Public Enemy #1 at the cult, a place my father used to hold. I'm actually pretty proud of that. The cult leaders hate me and continually malign me to the members there. They are constantly coming up with lies about me and propagating those lies to both acquaintances and members of the cult. I have done my best to address every lie they spread about me in a loving, truthful way, and most times it ends of coming back to bite them. Thus, my infamous reputation at the "church."

(Via)

Whats the longest you have stayed up? what about your mother and father? how did they get caught im guessing they were in the dealing business?

Longest I have stayed up was five days and then I started seeing the shadow people, my dad stayed up for good part of a month I thought he was going to get into a coma. My mom got theft dad got manufacturing and distributing my brother got homicide.

what does a meth lab smell like?

Depends on how you make it, my dad made pill dope or crank. First smell you get is the alchohol solution you use to get the phosphorus out of the match strips. Second smell is the Iodine, third is the lye reaction. Depending on how haggard the Iodine and phosphorus is it smells like a sulfuric match+vomit in your lungs.

do you watch breaking bad?

Please don't bring up that show. My dad had this glorification to what he did through him and would bring up the show all the time. I hate the lifestyle of methamphetamine and it's affects on families to the point that I would kill to stop it. [Edit]: Didn't mean to sound angry but it's never like it it on TV (up-voted for good vibes)

(Via)

Did you guys mess with the kids there? (this is non-sexual, no pedo please)

I used to take handfuls of tokens and throw them on the ground where there were groups of kids. They would wrestle each other for them. I used to tell all the kids that I hid 1000 tickets in the sky tubes. They'd all go there and it would be nice and quiet for 30 minutes. There were no tickets. Stuff like that.

Catch any parents trying to sneak to the bathroom for some adult time?

Yes. We served beer and wine, so drunken parents trying to bone in the bathroom was common. Also, we had a room where we kept the character costumes. People would try to sneak back there and fu*k.

Most inappropriate thing you've seen?

From employees, there used to be sex in the ball pit. Jesus, we were horny teenagers and our store managers were like 21/22 years old. It was a party when the store closed for the night, especially on the weekends. From guests, someone once smeared shit all over the inside of a stall in the women's bathroom. Oh, and someone once accidentally left their kid in a booth. :/

(Via)

Can you draw: Beavis and Butthead as the characters from your favorite Nickelodeon show?

Draw a self portrait of you drawing a self portrait of yourself.

Can you draw Sterling Archer in a shoot out with James Bond (with Sean Connery as the actor), both of which are atop a speeding semi with terrorists in a 70's volkswagon van shooting AK's and RPG's at them?

Can you draw Catdog pooping?

(Via)

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