Weekend Preview: The Super Bowl, Y'all
Loosies: Esperanza Spalding Is Pro-Black, Eric Benet Loves Again & New...

Can’t A Guy Order A Big Black Dildo Online Without Getting All Kinds Of Pervy Junkmail?

By / 02.03.12

A few weeks ago I got to thinking about how I haven’t played a good prank on any of my friends in a long time and decided to make a point to do so more often. I’m not 100% sure what inspired this, but I’m pretty sure my ongoing mission to be more like Clooney had something to do with it.

Anyway, one of my favorite things to do, in regards to pranks, has always been to sneak something into a house/dinner party and place it somewhere it obviously didn’t belong for it to be later found — like putting a framed picture of my ass on a fireplace mantle amongst someone’s family photos (Yes, I actually did this once). I am still 12 years old at heart, apparently.

Unquestionably one of the best pranks I’ve ever pulled was the time years ago I put a big black dildo inside a friend’s utensil drawer in his kitchen during his Super Bowl party, right next to the forks and knives and so forth. Eventually, someone at the party — a particularly dainty and prudish society broad — went over and opened the drawer to retrieve a spoon or something and hilarity ensued.

It was my nostalgia for this moment that got me to thinking recently about obtaining another big black dildo (At least that’s what I’m telling you guys!). I thought about ordering another one (I honestly don’t remember what happened to the other one) online for a while just to have as inventory for when the opportunity arose to plant it somewhere. Then one day I was listening to the Marc Maron podcast that I’m so fond of and Adam & Eve — online purveyors of fine erotic goods — was the sponsor of that day’s show and offered some sort of ridiculous deal at the time: half off any order with free shipping tossed in as I recall. So I took the opportunity to place an order for a big black dildo (Prank comedy note: it’s important that the big dildo be black…a huge dildo of any other color just doesn’t have the same comedic effect).

Lo and behold a few days later a discreet package arrived containing the goods I’d ordered. To my surprise Adam & Eve even tossed in a few free porn DVDs, which remain unopened (who watches porn on DVD anymore?). I put the big, black dildo away in my closet for safe keeping and all was good in the world.

But then in the weeks that followed I began to receive frequent, random, sexually themed junk mail. And then yesterday I received a letter from a “rare and unusual movies” outfit called “The Professionals.” The first page of the literature inside the envelope is pictured above. To put it mildly, “The Professionals” appears to peddle some of the sickest sh*t know to man. Couples doing horses. Women f*cking dogs. Fringe perversion stuff like that. And if that weren’t enough, there was also a flyer peddling penis enlargement pills thrown in the envelope as well.

Now, I consider myself someone who’s open-minded, tolerant and pretty carefree when it comes to what people think about me, but I don’t want to be getting mail with my name on it containing this sort of stuff. Hell, my landlord and I share a mailbox, and the outside of the envelope this came in didn’t go to great lengths to try to disguise what the content was. Instead it plainly says “sexually oriented ad” right on the front of the envelope.

Now, what if I get run over by a bus this weekend and my parents find bestiality porn fliers when they go through my mail (in addition to the giant dildo in my closet) after I’m dead? That might be below average! “JESUS CHRIST OUR SON WAS ONE SICK F*CK!!!”

And no, I didn’t authorize my name and address to be shared on any sort of mailing list — I’ve ordered enough stuff online over the years to be aggressive about not agreeing to such a thing — and I haven’t ordered anything remotely related to sex in years. Put simply, the order I placed with Adam & Eve has to be the reason I’m suddenly getting this crap.

So, looking to remedy this problem, I called Adam & Eve’s customer service line this afternoon and spoke to a nice person named Willie, and while Willie did inform me that he’d make sure Adam & Eve didn’t send any more fliers to me in the mail, he said he could do nothing to stop other companies Adam & Eve may have shared my information with from sending me more sick sh*t in the mail. No, to do that, I’d have to get in touch with the Direct Marketing Association and file some sort of formal request not be sent any more perv mail.

Moral of the story: proceed with caution before you buy a big black dildo on the internet.


TAGSadam & evebig black dildoscautionary talesjunk mailMARC MARONwtf podcastwtf with marc maron

I want more like this!

Follow us on Facebook and get the latest before everyone else.

Join The Discussion


[avatar]

Join the discussion. or Register





Powered by WordPress.com VIP