Tropical Storm Fabio
Got A Problem With James Dolan? Screw With His Band's Wikipedia Page

Man Confesses To Stealing A Safe In 1971 And Possessing A Fake PhD In Amazing Online Obituary

By / 07.18.12

Has writing your own obituary become a thing? I mean, I suppose it should be. Maybe Val Patterson, a Utah man who died recently and penned his own obituary, will make it a thing, because his is amazing.

He starts off simply enough…

I was Born in Salt Lake City, March 27th 1953. I died of Throat Cancer on July 10th 2012. I went to six different grade schools, then to Churchill, Skyline and the U of U. I loved school, Salt Lake City, the mountains, Utah. I was a true Scientist. Electronics, chemistry, physics, auto mechanic, wood worker, artist, inventor, business man, ribald comedian, husband, brother, son, cat lover, cynic. I had a lot of fun. It was an honor for me to be friends with some truly great people. I thank you.

Then he decided to get some remarkable things off his chest…

Now that I have gone to my reward, I have confessions and things I should now say. As it turns out, I AM the guy who stole the safe from the Motor View Drive Inn back in June, 1971. I could have left that unsaid, but I wanted to get it off my chest. Also, I really am NOT a PhD. What happened was that the day I went to pay off my college student loan at the U of U, the girl working there put my receipt into the wrong stack, and two weeks later, a PhD diploma came in the mail. I didn’t even graduate, I only had about 3 years of college credit. In fact, I never did even learn what the letters “PhD” even stood for. For all of the Electronic Engineers I have worked with, I’m sorry, but you have to admit my designs always worked very well, and were well engineered, and I always made you laugh at work.

Finally, STOP SMOKING, PEOPLE…

My regret is that I felt invincible when young and smoked cigarettes when I knew they were bad for me. Now, to make it worse, I have robbed my beloved Mary Jane of a decade or more of the two of us growing old together and laughing at all the thousands of simple things that we have come to enjoy and fill our lives with such happy words and moments. My pain is enormous, but it pales in comparison to watching my wife feel my pain as she lovingly cares for and comforts me. I feel such the “thief” now – for stealing so much from her – there is no pill I can take to erase that pain.

Go read the whole thing. It’s incredible. RIP Val Patterson.


TAGSobituariesval patterson

I want more like this!

Follow us on Facebook and get the latest before everyone else.


Join The Discussion


[avatar]

Join the discussion. or Register





Powered by WordPress.com VIP