I have to hand it to the Reddit community — I didn’t think any thread on that site could fascinate and horrify me more than the thread they did on rape a few days ago. But then I discovered this: “My stepdad often times tells the story of when he was in a courtroom and let out a fart, the almost silent kind, the kind it feels like you just shat a fireball. It cleared the courtroom and the judge called a 5 minute recess. So Reddit what the worst timed/most innapropriate times you have farted?”
The whole thing is wonderful in that “oh I’ve so been there”/”holy crap I’m so glad that didn’t happen to me” way — but this one here made me laugh so hard my body was literally convulsing…
I had to fart once, and I was on an elevator. I did that little ab crunch you do to move it along, and RIGHT before it ripped the doors opened and a half dozen people got on.
At this point, the only thing holding that fart in was force of will and the fact that I have unusually strong buttocks. I had my head tilted back, cords standing out on my neck, tears in my eyes, and I was counting down in my head until we’d hit my floor.
Elevator got stuck. I didn’t know if we’d be stuck five minutes or five hours, but it did NOT matter. I couldn’t hold it another second. We had JUST jerked to a stop, and all the chit chat stopped abruptly as everyone was wondering what was up.
And then, it erupted like a supernova out of my ass. In Sunday School they’d talked about how at the End of Days the angels would blow their trumpets, and God would descend from on high as the sound echoed through the world.
This was louder. By far. Like a shotgun right next to your ear. It actually rocked my body forward as it erupted from me. There was no way to deny it was me as it seemed to actually propel me across the elevator.
Then more silence. Silence, and judgmental stares. I have never felt so hated in all my life. Just utter disgust on every face, contempt for my very existence, it seemed.
Then the elevator started. To this day, I’m fairly sure it was the sheer explosive power of that fart that shot the elevator back into motion.